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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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March 2016

Who Am I

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Who am I?  For this I don’t know anymore.

But I am a woman who refuses to remain silent,  that’s for sure.

I was never one to back down in defeate

But the extent of your all encompassing deceit….

I am powerless to educe justice for the crime that occurred.

And how could I,  when it is word against word.

You had me in your sights all night from the start.

You groomed me all evening,  being sneaky and impart.

What kind of justice system do we have

What type of world do we live in

Where the guilty are immediately viewed uncensurable

And the victim’s indictable

I loose countless hours every day and night over these notions

This is not me, how I am, or how my brain typically functions.

Who am I

Who am I  becoming

Right now I am dark, decaying , drained and drowning

I hope I will evolve to someone more triumphing

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I Am Losing It

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I am losing it. I just can’t take it anymore.  I can’t handle it; the sleep deprivation,  flashbacks,  jumpiness, depression,  being fearful every day that I am going to see him. It takes such a toll on me.  I’m literally exhausted!

I’m obsessed.  Obsessed with trying to find a way to bring him to justice.  It has completely consumed me.

I am becoming more jumpy each day. I can’t even count how many times someone came up to me at work today and I jumped clean into the air. It’s embarrassing, frustrating and fills me with anxiety.  And when they ask why, I just in an awkward way tell them that there is a reason,  and thankfully that ends the conversation.

I can’t live like this.  I don’t feel strong, or like a survivor,  or like myself.

Wish I Could Just Erase The Horrible Memories

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I’m so exhausted.  Physically, emotionally,  and spirituality.  I use to be so full of life.

I was that women,  where no matter where I go, people tend to  flock to me. Maybe it’s because I always gave off such positive energy,  or that I was always smiling,  maybe I had a light inside me.

I don’t want this disgusting excuse for a human being to be the reason why my light goes out. But it’s just so incredibly challenging to cope.

For example,  today,  one of my favorite clients came in for a meeting.  He came in with two other gentleman.  I was how I would normally be  (they are clients,  and I am trying to be like “normal”anyway at work,  but it is hard.  Especially on 4 or less hours of sleep a night for over a month now). I  smiled,  I  small talked, etc. When they were leaving,  one of the men said, ” Now I know why ******** likes coming here so much ” . That made me feel happy,  and he said it right in front of one of the owners of the company I work for.

But later in the day it made me feel sad. Sad because of all the energy it took for me to have those small, short interactions,  when normally that is just how I am.

I just want to erase my brain from what happened on February 14th.

Watch Why This Man Thinks Rape is Halarious (I was in tears )

I know that my blog talks mostly about women being raped.  I don’t do it on purpose.  I am a woman,  who was raped,  and I talk alot about my experience and feelings.

There are far too many men that get raped,  and I think realistically,  the percentage is much higher than the current estimate.

Please take a look at this video,  it is heart breaking,  it’s a man who was raped.

RAPE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT NEED TO END!

http://9gag.com/tv/p/a5bYDw/why-rape-is-sincerely-hilarious

 

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I Wish I Could Do More About This!

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If you follow my blog,  you know that the DA is not pressing charges against my rapist.  This is not fair, and it happens to far too many people!  I am so angry that I struggle every day just to function,  while he gets to live his life.

I wish that there was something I could do. A way to convince the DA that this happened,  and a way to help them prove the case.  He RAPED ME and he should be held responsible!  I know that this wouldn’t change anything that happened,  but I am so sick of rapists getting away scott free! I read about it literally every single day in my research.  It is sickening.

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How are we supposed to start to end rape,  when rapists are continuously not being prosecuted,  or are being aquitted. Why are they always assumed innocent,  and the victim is assumed guilty?  It is an atrocity! Things will never change until we start holding these monsters accountable for their actions.

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First Paint Night

I have been trying to force myself to do things, even though I would just rather stay at home in bed all the time when I am not working.

One thing that I had been waiting to do since December is a paint night.  So I looked up the schedule for Boston,  found a painting that I liked and decided to go.  I asked one of my brothers fiancés if she wanted to go with me, because she has done them before.  They had to meet a photographer for the wedding that day and couldn’t change the time.  So I decided to go anyway,  and the two of us will do another one together.

So I get there today,  and walk in. A group of girls in front of me ask where the paint night ( it was afternoon,  but it’s still called paint night ) is, and are told down stairs.  So they go, I  go, and a woman by herself goes behind me.  Since I was always a happy and social person  (before the incident ) I decided to make an effort.  I  turned around and asked the woman if she was here with friends.  She said she was with her boyfriend and asked what about me. I told her that I was alone and why. She said that I  should sit with them. I asked her if she was sure, and she said absolutely!

I had so much fun. She was so nice, so was her boyfriend.  We talked,  laughed,  shared stories.  It was a blast!

When I initially signed up I was super excited. But when it came time to go today,  I didn’t want to.  But I paid for it, so I went.  I am so glad that I did. That was the most fun that I have had in over a month!

And for a few short hours,  I was actually happy! No flashbacks,  no worries,  no anxiety, no thoughts of that morning.

This afternoon was a good afternoon!

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The Good, Bad, & Ugly of Trying to Get Supporters for A Walk For A Change

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If you follow my blog, you know that I was raped by my roommate,  this year, 2016 on (the early morning of) February 14th.

Trying to cope with this has been and continues to be a major struggle for me.  When I am better,  I fully intend to be an advocate.  And I’m not just talking about helping other rape victims,  I am also talking about changing laws!

But for now,  I can barely function on a daily basis.  When I saw that BARCC (Boston Area Rape Crisis Center,  they have been and are continuing to help me) was having a walk on April 10th to raise money,  I immediately wanted to be apart of it.  That was /is something that I CAN do right now to help others.  So I will be walking with one of my dog’s on April 10th.

Now,  before I say anything,  I want to say that I currently have a lot of people who are supporting me (not for the walk,  I mean in general ) . And for that I am greafull and feel extremely fortunate.

Now,  I am not big on social media.  I have never done anything to raise money before  (except when I was a little girl selling girl scout cookies ). This cause means so much to me.  I am extremely passionate about it.  On Facebook,  there are only 1-3 people that I don’t personally know.  Everyone else is from high school,  college, previous jobs, family,  or friends.

I  thought that since. ..well,  no one supports rape,  that I would be able to get some sponsors.  Well, I only got a few (and I  am  eternally grateful for them!!!) Additionally,  for my first and second post,  I received very. ..very few likes. Now, I know this might sound so high schoolish, but I  normally would never take something like that personally.  First,  let me say, that I am also eternally grateful for! I know that some people cannot give money,  but just liking the cause ment so much to me, and made me so happy.

But of all my friends and family (not direct family,  they are ALL already supportive and have made that known) that support was few and far between.  And I am not just talking about the sponsoring me for the walk.

Last week,  my brother’s fiancé suggested that I say that BARCC directly helps me with my rape. Initially I didn’t want to.  But the 10th of April is coming up and I really want to reach my goal.  So I did.

The result,  no likes, no response,  no supporters  (and of course,  anyone who previously did any of those,  in person,  online,  or supported my walk, this does not apply to ). The thing that upsets me the most  is that it was one thing before I disclosed that I was raped and that BARCC was helping me.  Now that I have and nothing. …this makes me think that these people don’t care about rape.  And if people who personally know me (family and friends ) don’t care, then how in the hell are we supposed to get society to care enough to change the laws and make the consequences of rape more strict, and make it easier to convict rapists.  Look at the statistics,  a very small percentage of rapists go to trial,  and even less are convinced.

And all those who are worried about false accusations and non rapists going to jail. …that is 2% which is the exact same for ALL other crimes, so why can’t we change the laws on rape?

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I am sad and disheartened.  But at the same time grateful for the family and friends who are supporting me through this awful time.  I’m normally not very good at keeping in touch with people.  I have health problems.  I am sick a lot and when I make plans,  I have to cancel a lot. I  have  lost close friends over this.  Going through what I am going through now,  I am never EVER going to forget who is here for me, and I am always going to make an effort to stay in touch.  I  feel very special.

As for the rest,  especially my “family ” (again,  I am NOT talking about my immediate family ) just because we share the same blood. ..doesn’t mean s*#@! If I ever saw a post like I posted from a family member,  I would send them a message.  And of course,  I am talking about active FB people.

 

https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/FundraisingPage.aspx?langPref=en-CA&RegistrationID=3259670#.VvCJwlZ8Lsc.mailto

I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW

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I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW! I JUST WANT TO SHUT MY BRAIN OFF!!!

I hate what you did to me. I  hate how I feel.  I hate how I can’t sleep.  I hate how I can’t eat.  I hate that I get flashbacks.  And images of your disgusting face in my mind.  I  hate who I have become,  someone I don’t know,  or like, or can even define.

I  was once so viscous, full of life,  complete, and content.  You took that away in a moments notice with no warning or accord.

I can’t concentrate,  I have nightmares,  I am jumpy and on edge.  I’m constantly looking over my shoulder,  I am scared and tormented.

I wish I could just sleep.  Sleep until these feelings go away,  but even sleep is not peaceful,  for forever in my mind you stay.

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Flashbacks…A Good Thing? ??

This article is from http://www.recoveryourlife.com/plugins/p2075_news/printarticle.php?p2075_articleid=1

While some of the information is helpful,  I couldn’t help but become furious when they say that flashbacks are a good sign.  Seriously?  I am a smart, well educated woman, and I highly doubt that the author of this article was ever raped.  If she or he was, …. the English language is comprised of so many words,  they could have chosen more appropriate language that would have conveyed the same message.

Initially I was going to post the entire article,  but I am clearly partial now. I just think that it had so much great and helpful information,  and was ruined by saying flashbacks are good.

Even if they are,  personally, I don’t want to re-live my rape every single day at random times! I don’t find that helpful at all.

Maybe I am being too harsh,  I did post the link because there is some great information there.

And, not all people are the same.  I am sure that there are thousands of survivors that actually need to hear those words.

It is a great article despite my personal one (small ) issue with it.

I would actually love to hear feedback, positive or negative on the article and/or my post.  All comments are welcome and appreciated.

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Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

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I’m not scared of wolves

It’s the wolves in sheep’s clothing I fear

Feigned, conniving and deceitful is the true essence they hide

But with wolves you see their true nature,  no shame, no apologies,  no lies

You are a wolf in sheep’s clothing

The lowest of the low

What you deserve  something,  so awful,  more damaging than anyone could undergo

How could you do this to me? Are you that twisted?

Because I said I would never sleep with you,   my boundaries you omitted?

You are worthless,  insignificant,  more grotesque than scum on the bottom of the filthiest shoe.

And don’t you worry,  because one day Karma WILL COME FOR YOU

I will take care, and run with the wolves

They are safer to be around,  you know what to expect from them

Take care my rapist,  for one day,  Karma will bring your perfect world to a shattering end

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Rebuilding Your Life After Rape

I found this great article

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Becoming Whole Again: Rediscovering Life After Rape

Published Apr 9, 2014

Rape is one of the worst violations a person can suffer, and the scars can be everlasting — but you can reclaim your life.

More than 17 million women and 2.78 million men in the United States have been victims of rape, according to the National Institute of Justice and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The pain and trauma of rape are indescribable because rape robs you of your sense of safety, your sense of being in control, and your authority over your own body. Coming back from this place of deep hurt and rage will be very difficult. It is possible to heal after rape and to survive sexual assault with your heart and spirit intact, but the journey of healing will take time, strength, and determination.

Many people compare rape to a sort of death. Your whole life becomes split in two: Life before rape and life after rape. The person you were before the rape might feel distant, unreal, and unreachable. A new person has emerged and may not be someone you even recognize because this new individual is anxious, mistrusting, angry, lost, and in constant pain.

Millions of rape survivors must work through similar distress. A survivor has to sort out her identity and make sense of the trauma. Reaching a place of strength and hope after rape will take time and effort. The healing won’t happen overnight. There are certain feelings that many rape survivors share: You will likely feel shut off from much of your past life.

You might lose interest in things you once enjoyed, and you might discover that you have a whole new set of goals and priorities. You might reevaluate your friendships or relationships with people around you, and you might even decide that you want to move or make another life change. All of these are normal, healthy measures of healing, but it’s important to make sure that you don’t make decisions in haste. It is also crucial to surround yourself with a strong support system and healing activities.

  • Friends and family can help you stay connected to your true self and keep you from losing sight of the person you used to be, and therapy can help you work through your new fears and anxieties as you rebuild your life.
  • Volunteering can also be a wonderful way for you to rediscover a sense of purpose and control. By doing good in the world around you, you can help to combat those feelings of sadness and loss. You might volunteer at a local crisis center or a women’s shelter, or you might volunteer in a field unrelated to your attack, such as an animal shelter or a soup kitchen. By bringing joy and hope to other people, you can help to bring joy and hope back to yourself, and these feel-good emotions will keep depression and anxiety at bay.
  • Exercise is another crucial part of the healing process. Even if you aren’t one for sweating it out at the gym, there is no denying the power of exercise. It is healing to the mind, body, and spirit, and it can help you reconnect with your body and your inner strength in a way that is physical and real to the touch. By pushing your body and finding willpower and strength you didn’t even know you had, you can start to reconstruct your identity and regain control over your destiny. But you don’t have to run on the treadmill or do a boring workout video. Instead, find an exercise that you enjoy on a physical and emotional level, whether that is swimming, softball, dancing, walking, etc. Don’t focus on weight loss; instead, put your focus on strength and personal growth. With each mile you run or each pound you lift, remember that you are in control. And that can feel amazing and empowering.
  • Lastly, make sure to give voice to your personal story. Don’t hide your rape or force down your emotions. Every step you take on your healing journey is an important one and that includes crying. Talking about your rape will help you work through these emotions and give meaning to your story. It is also an opportunity to help others who are suffering through similar circumstances.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/dr-laura-berman-on-love-and-sex/becoming-whole-again-rediscovering-life-after-rape/

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Silver Linings

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While I am not feeling particularly positive or hopeful today,  I  really wanted to write a post that is less dark.  This blog is dedicated to the gruesome facts, feelings, and results of rape and sexual assault,  but that doesn’t mean everything has to be so gloomy. (This post is dedicated to all silver linings,  not just from rape and sexual assault )

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I have sat and pondered for a good portion of the day about silver linings to  being raped to little avail. Then since I am an avid researcher, I researched the topic.  The result. … even less examples than what I could come up with on my own. But I am damn stubborn,  so I wasn’t going to let me stop that from making this post.  Although there are not many examples,  I hope that this will help someone,  anyone,  if it helps just one person,  I will be satisfied.

 

#1. REALIZING THAT YOU DO HAVE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU

Now, for me, I actually knew this already,  but so many don’t.  Whether they suffer from depression to begin with,  or something else,  if you are suicidal,  you feel like you are alone.  I have been suicidal  (not from the rape. ..ok, maybe yes , but there was a  time that I literally planned out how I would kill myself,  researched it to make sure that it would not be a failed attempt ). I didn’t go through with it because of my dog’s,  but I never told anyone then how I was feeling.  I  didn’t think that they wouldimages (9) understand,  I was afraid of their reactions.So, I know that every person is not going to necessarily be supportive,  and to be honest,  some people don’t know what to say,  and need their own time to process what you told them.  But that doesn’t mean they don’t support you.  The more I tell people  (and it’s not easy,  I have had to do it very slowly ), the larger my support system grows. And that doesn’t even mean you “have” to talk to them about whatever happened to you after the first talk you have with them. For me, I still haven’t yet because it is too hard.  But knowing that they are there,  that they are really actually there and care just means so much to me.

 

#2 YOU WILL BE STRONGER FROM THIS EXPEimages (5)RIENCE

Now, personally,  I don’t feel this way currently,  but I have hope that someday it will be true. What I went through, what you went through,  what someone else went through,  every situation is different.  This even goes for all situations , not just rape and sexual assault.  Eventually we will be stronger,  wiser and more capable handling anything life throws at us. If we can get through this,  we CAN get through anything.

 

#3 HELPING OTHERS

I have always considered myself to be a caring and helpful person.  For me personally,  this ordeal has invoked something more in me. The aftermath of such a horrific ordeal has caused me to want to be an advocate.  This is what I intend to do when I am physically and mentally capable.I know bad thidownloadngs happen, or people get into extremely dark places. People either deal with it and recover or don’t recover.  People don’t deal with it and don’t recover or do recover.  Becoming an advocate was never something that I thought I would ever do, but when a person goes through something, something that brings a passion that they have never felt,  I urge you to listen to it.  Just one person really can make all the different to someone going through what you went/are going through.

 

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Thank Goodness!

So, since I didn’t get a rape kit,  I was told to wait about a month to get STD testing done. I  did.

I have been so incredibly worried.  It was bad enough that I was raped,  and I am fairly certain that he didn’t use a condom.  But he also isn’t even from this country,  and he was in his home country this summer,  and I know that he frequents escorts.  So I have be a wreck!

I got my results today and thankfully everything is negative!  I am so happy about the good news 😊

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DARK AND WITHERING

The joy in my life has ceced

A veil of tenebrosity ensues

What has my life disparaged to

How can one man  incite so much anguish

For a person should not have the kind of power over you

Yet, when a person  defiles you, that assertion does not hold true.

To have your boundaries disregarded is unexplainable to convey

I force a smile for all the world too see

But on the inside I’m withering, and as dark as can be.

 


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Image borrowed by;

http://www.deviantart.com/tag/wither

The Individuals Who Keep Me Going

I am lucky that I actually do have a support system,  even when I feel like I don’t.  It’s my own personal demons in dealing with this horrible situation that make me feel that way.

The truth is, this isn’t easy to talk about with loved ones and with people who care about me. And if the situation were reversed,  I don’t know what I would do except tell the person that I care about them, and that I am and will be there for them in anyway they need me.

Rape doesn’t just affect the victim,  it affects their loved ones and everyone who cares about them. It is just a hard situation all around.

So while I have been slowly telling people close to me one by one,  because it is just too overwhelming to do it all at once, immediately,  it still isn’t easy,  and I still don’t like to talk about it

Everyone so far has been amazing,  and I don’t at all want to take away from that with what I am about to say next.

So while it is important to have a support system,  relying on other people 27/7 is simply unrealistic. It’s just a fact of life.  I know that people might not be available at 3 in the morning when I am having a breakdown,  or a another time on any given day because everyone has things going on in their lives.  This doesn’t mean that they are not there for me, they are,  and I know that they will continue to be.  I  do have realistic expectations.  Additionally,  sometimes I am having a breakdown,  and I don’t want to reach out to anyone because I don’t even know how to express what is going on in my mind.

This all being said,  there are two special lil ones in my life that are, have been,  and will always be there for me 24 hours a day,  7 day’s a week.  My adorable,  sweet,  trouble making chihuahuas.  They know that I am not well.  They have been so sensitive to my needs.  If I didn’t have them, I don’t know where I would be right now.  I am so thankful every day for these two amazing dog’s ( even when they drive me nuts)

They are so full of love and affection.  They really mean everything to me. It’s them combined with the support of family and friends that I will hopefully,  one day, find a sense of normalcy and peace again.

DEFEATED

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Exhaustion, depression, anxiety,  tribulation, indignation and preoccupation is my current state

For I cower at the thought that I don’t know  how much more my soul can take

Strong, resilient, vivacious I was

Now  transformed into a defeated faux pas

How long will this semblance persist

Every breath I take makes me not want to exist

My body is distressed, it’s toilsome to move

My mind  is wearisome and incompetent, not seeming to improve.

I’m so tired  from insufficient sleep, that if I can’t attain proper slumber,  I fear what will ensue

When will this cease,  when will I ameliorate, when will I no longer be a woman that I hate

 

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