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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

Month

June 2016

Adrienne Truscott; Her Comedy Act Jokes About Rape – But Not In The Way You Might Think

A must see

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So Anxious; I Can’tDeal With This Anymore

Since I was raped on February 14th this year  (2016) I have been suffering from major anxiety,  PTSD,  suicidal thoughts and so much more.  About two weeks ago,  I passed my rapist on the street.  I had a panic attack ( which I have never experienced in my life).

Since then,  I have been even more anxious  (which I didn’t even think was possible. …but it is ) and paranoid. I am afraid to leave my house.  I don’t feel safe.  When I leave to go to work,  the whole  (15 minute trip ) is a nightmare!  All my muscles tense up, my heart pounds out of my chest,  my stomach hurts. ..and I want to cry. I work on a locked floor,  so in my office,  I feel safe.  But, I have to run errands daily.  This has proven to be a struggle.  The same feelings that I get on my way to work I feel,  only times three! ! I walk around Boston now with my camera open in fear of seeing him again.

Some day’s I feel like I am going to pass on on the street.

Today,  after work,  I was on my way to counseling.  I stopped at the T to have a clove.  I am an empath. All of the sudden I felt like someone was staring at me so I looked around.  It was this man…

 

You will notice that he is of Indian descent,  like my rapist,  carrying a conspicuous “suitcase “.  I stared at him while he was on the phone. ..and watched him for about 15 minutes.  He was DEFINITELY staring at me. I snapped a few pictures…the one on the phone   (so if I ever end up dead. … fyi).

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I  have learned the hard way to trust my gut. In college,  I was walking home from the T, I got a feeling that someone was following me. But since I lived close to the T, I told myself that I was worrying about nothing.  He actually was following me, stopped me and prevented me from going into the gate of my house.

And that is not the only time I ignored my intuition.

I am in fear of my well being,  my life, and I wish that the fucking sexual assault unit in Boston actually invistigated my rape.

I don’t know what to do.

Jamin C. Wight – Convicted Pedophile

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Jamin C. Wight

Latah County, Idaho

Age at time of incident – 21

Sentence – 4-6 months

Owen Labrie – Convicted Statutory Rapist

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Owen Labrie

Age at time – 19

Tunbridge, Vermont

Sentence – 1 year prison

Gerald Nuckolls – Guilty of Sexual Battery & Indecent Exposure.

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Gerald Nuckolls

Age at time of incident: 27

Occupation at time of incident: Deputy of Tulsa County

From: TULSA, Okla.

Sentenced to: 8 years prison

Story #3 ~ Harley

#3 Harley   💖

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This fall will be four years since it happened. I met this guy in one of my classes, and we had been dating a little. He seemed like a nice guy, and I thought I really liked him. He went downtown to the bar one night, and I went with some friends and met him there. He was ready to leave and pretty drunk. I had not drank any so I was fine. He asked if I wanted to go to his place to watch movie.

We got to his apartment, and he asked if I wanted a drink. I told him no, and he threw a glass at the wall and screamed. He kept drinking, but I would not have anything. I told him I thought it would be best if I called a taxi to leave and we could talk the next day. He got very angry and slapped me and pushed me onto the couch. I kicked him and screamed, but nothing helped. He started taking my clothes off, and I couldn’t do anything. It was like I was in another world. I couldn’t scream anymore or couldn’t make myself move. I felt so weak and helpless. He slapped me a couple times while hurting me. After what seemed like a lifetime he got up and slapped me again and laughed at me calling me names. I would have rather been dead than be in that situation. I couldn’t move or do anything. I sat on the floor the rest of the night.

He got up the next morning and grabbed me and said he was taking me home. I cried the whole ride which seemed like hours while he was laughing and calling me names. I got home and showered and decided I wasn’t telling anyone. I was so ashamed and so embarrassed and weak feeling I never wanted anyone to know. It’s been almost four years, and I just told three people in the last few months. I hope one day to be completely passed it, but at the moment I am not and still have nightmares and think about it daily.

Rape; A Father Not Caring

I have to admit that I have to find this halarious,  because if I don’t,  there is no way that I can cope.

My father and I have not had the best relationship in my life life.  The past few years it has been better.  He was struggling with family issues and taking care of my grandpa while he was sick  until he passed away earlier this year. Through that struggle,  I was there for him. I would usually call him a few times a week to check in to see how he was doing because I knew he was under a lot of stress.

Then I was raped.  My grandpa died shortly thereafter,  and I have not heard from my father since. There has been a lot of drama in the family surrounding my grandpa,  but all of that has nothing to do with my situation. On my birthday,  which was recently,  my father sent me a  Facebook message saying happy birthday,  he did even call me. My mom and brothers did. Then he had the audacity to get all upset when I only sent him a Facebook  message  saying  happy Father’s day.  Since I have told him that I was raped,  he has not once ask me how I am doing.  I even confided something to him that I never once told anyone,  and he accused me of being crazy like my my brothers ex girlfriend  (which I am not,  and I told him this after I was raped ).

So, to all of you who do not have support from your loved ones,  if they are not supporting you, they don’t really love you.  My mom, brother’s,  and friends (and actually acquaintances  ) have supported me more than my father.  Just like me,  you deserve more in your life than people like that.

Cat Reacts To Horror Movie. ..I can’t stop laughing!

This is halarious

I’m Never Going To Be Ok…Can’t Believe This Happened Today

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Today started off wonderful.  It is sunny and warm.  I was actually happy this morning  (which is very very rare these days ). Around 11:30 I left the office to run to the grocery store to grab something for lunch, and a coupleof other things.

I was almost at the store when walking down the street,  in my direction, was my rapist.  He was with a friend.  The rapist was wearing a light blue polo shirt and sunglasses  (or it was his transition lenses) They were walking, talking, and he was smiling.  I was completely horrified and caught off guard.  Yes, we both work in Boston,  but he doesn’t exactly work near me. I  rushed into the store, then paused to make sure that they were not coming in.

They didn’t. At that point I began to shake, my eyes filled with tears.  I  couldn’t even remember what I was there for. I quickly walked around the store,  grabbed a few things and cautiously and anxiously walked back to the office. I  went to the bathroom and started to cry, and then I began violently shaking. I tried to pull myself together enough to get out of the bathroom before someone walked in.  When I was out of the bathroom, I walked be a coworker  and she asked me if I was ok. I just nodded and kept walking.

One coworker and one boss know what happened to me,  so I grabbed my coworker and told her,  I could hardly get the words out. She took me into a conference room and I just broke down. It was awful.  We talked and she asked me if I wanted her to get my boss,  so I said yes. When my boss came in I was crying and shaking.  We talked,  she also suggested that I call the hotline  (BARCC rape crisis) so I did. I ended up having to leave the office.  I was too scared to take the T, so I called an uber.

I’m so … I don’t even have the words to describe it.  I don’t feel safe,  I’m scared,  a nervous wreck,  and I see his face every day with flashbacks, and most nights in my nightmares. To see him today,  in person,  going about his happy unaffected life….is just a feeling that I can’t even put into words.

How I Feel After Being Raped; The ABC’s

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Awful

Broken

Choked 

Damaged

Emotional 

Fearful 

Guilty 

Hurt

Insignificant 

Jittery 

Kaput

Lost

Mutilated 

Nervous 

Overwhelmed 

Paralyzed 

Queasy

Restless 

Suicidal

Tired 

Undefinable

Violated 

Weak

X – is his name ie THE RAPIST 

Yucky

Zero

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It’s No Surprise That Rape Laws Are In The State They Are In When Law Makers & Police Think Like These Idiots!

Full Article

https://mic.com/articles/138587/full-frontal-with-samantha-bee-tackles-untested-rape-kits-and-local-politics?utm_source=policymicTBLR&utm_medium=main&utm_campaign=social#.yt6iJ891n

I almost did not watch this video because anytime I read or watch something from a feminist point of view, there is a chance that it is from the “radical feminists” and in my opinion, they do more harm than good. To me a true feminist is not at “man hater” and looks out for “equality of all people as a whole”; I consider myself this type if feminist.

This was a shocking video (she even pokes fun of radical feminists)

I highly suggest watching the appalling issues that are being brought up to the public’s attention regarding rape, lawmakers and police.

 

At one point in the video, Idaho Sheriff Craig Rowland says that they find out that most cases are just 17yr old girls who get scared and that the police should be able to pick the rape cases that they investigate.

My favorite (one of the few, but this is my #1 of the video) is that Bee says,”

“Listen, you giant pink hamster-fetus of a man … you can believe women are lying whores all you want off the clock, but when you’re the sheriff, you have to listen to rape victims,” she said. “Otherwise, when the women in your county rise up and strangle you with your own stupid monogrammed shirt, it’s going to be assisted suicide, because you’re definitely asking for it.”

Because it it true, rape is serious, most rapists are not high school boys, and his prior comment (Rowland) he states, ” after interviewing alleged rape victims, police often find it wasn’t actually rape — rather, “things went too far, and someone got scared“”….as Bee said….“Things went too far, and someone got scared? That’s what rape is!”

Today Is My Birthday…But It Doesn’t Even Matter

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Today is my 33rd birthday…but it doesn’t even matter…I am not even celebrating. I have no plans, I made no plans. I am broken beyond belief because of what he has done to me. No justice, no responsibility, free to do it again to some other woman. I still can’t sleep, can’t eat, I am anxious all the time, jumpy….what is the point on celebrating this year when I am completely destroyed as a human. I don’t even want to be living most day’s. It is not fair and there is nothing that I can do about it. I am so depressed, exhausted, tired of the nightmares, flashbacks and…just living….there is nothing to celebrate!

 

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Domestic Violence Starts At An Early Age

Full Article

https://m.mic.com/articles/145828/one-australian-ad-nails-when-domestic-abuse-starts-and-it-s-way-earlier-than-you-d-think?utm_source=policymicFB&utm_medium=main&utm_campaign=social#.HUOaGdzjc

This is a great follow up to my recent post “Accidentally Teaching Our Children About Rape Culture “

It is an Australian advertisement about domestic violence against women,  but I think that it can be applied to domestic violence for all types of relationships.

 

Brock Turner The Rapist Will Only Serve Three Months In Jail

Full Article:

http://time.com/4363538/brock-turner-stanford-sexual-assault-swimmer/

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This is a freaking outrage!!! As if the slimy judge who already let this rapist off with a slap on the wrist with 6 months jail time…It has not been confirmed that Brock Turner the Rapist is due to be released from jail on September 2nd….yes, that is three months from the day he was sent there!!!!

When I first read this I could not even believe it! This whole entire situation is just disgusting!  And now it has got even worse!! What in the hell kind of society do we live it?!

Not to mention…talk about white privilege….So, if you are a white male with money you can pretty much get out of anything! This world just get’s sicker and sicker every day!

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If you are not familiar, his accuser recanted her claims, after Banks had already served 5 years in prison….I can only imaging how hard this case would have been to prove, especially compered to Brock Turner the Rapist’s case which was open and shit with witness and their involvement.

I hate the people who falsely accuse others of rape, because it is so hard for rape victims to get justice (look at the Brock Turner Rapist case, open and shut and still no justice). But the fact of the matter is that false reports of rape equal the exact same (percentage wise) as all other crime false reporting (murder, larson, robbery…). It really sucks when an innocent person accused of Rape goes to jail, because so many actual rapist don’t even make it to court, let alone are they convicted.

But in the case of Brock Turner the Rapist, I would be anything that if wasn’t white…he would have been put away for a long time.

Accidentally Teaching Our Children About Rape Culture

Full Article

http://www.babble.com/parenting/ways-we-accidentally-teach-our-kids-rape-culture/

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I came across this great article today by way of Facebook called  “6 WAYS WE (ACCIDENTALLY) TEACH OUR KIDS RAPE CULTURE” [full article link is at the top of this post). It talks about six ways parents unknowingly and unintentionally teach about and validate Rape Culture. The article defines the six ways, and offers suggestions on what a parent can do/say differently to not teach their children Rape Culture.

This is a great article, and it makes a lot of sense. It shows that we are forming the minds of children to accept rape culture, victim blaming, being afraid to say no, and slut shaming. Children are like sponges, and they are very smart. What the underlying meanings of what they are taught build the core of their own belief systems, way of thinking and actions that they take as they grow into teenagers and adults.

Number one is:

“Telling our kids that- “boys will be boys.””

Now, just like it is stated in the article,  when most people say “boys will
be boys” they do not mean any harm by it.

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“But every time they hear us excuse their

bad behavior as part of boy life,they learn

that they are not only above the rules, but

also that boys cannot control their impulses.”

 

If boys are constantly being told this from such a young age, how can anyone realistically expect that it will not have an effect on them as they grow into teens, young adults and full grown men?

“As parents, we cannot be shocked that boys feel entitled to sexually harass others (whether it’s standard rape, like in Steubenville, or as part of the all-too-common tradition of sexual “hazing”) when we’ve been telling them their whole lives that they are above the rules, by virtue of being boys.”

I grew upimages (10) with two younger brothers, do you know how many times I heard both of my parents say those
exact same words? Now my brothers do not contribute to rape culture (or at least I have never observed them doing so). Also as a child, a lot of my friends had brothers too. I heard their parents say the exact same thing…same goes for aunts and uncles. This message needs to stop being taught to boys and girls. Boys and men are perfectly capable of controlling their impulses. It is a parents job to teach children of both genders impulse control, gender has nothing to do with it, being a child is when you learn impulse control. This whole “boys will be boys” sounds very innocent, but not only does it do what has already been explained, it also creates the common “excuse” that rapists use…”It’s not my fault”

Number two is:

“Forcing kids to hug and kiss others.”

This on is so very dangerous on so many levels. It teaches children that it is ok to have their boundaries violated. That if they say no, it is ok for someone to force them to do it anyway – thus the word “No” is not meaning or taken as a “No”. That it is ok for someone to force someone else to do something that they do not want to do. It teaches that they are not in charge of their body, and what they say about their body does not go. Also, it forces them into doing something that they do not want to do and that their family is ok with it.images

“Lots  of well-meaning, loving parents tell their kids to give a friend or relative a hug without considering whether their kid really wants to. This sends the dangerous message that consent can be over-ridden, or doesn’t matter at all.”

 

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Take my  nephew for example. He is a sweet affectionate 5yr old. He loves to give Auntie (me) hugs. B
ut sometimes when I see him, I open my arms wide to receive a hug, and he shakes his head no. What do I do? Nothing. Some day’s I don’t feel like giving a person that I know a hug, I am just not feeling it. What makes it any different when a child says no to a hug from a family member? Children are living breathing humans with feelings. Sometimes…they just are not in the modownload (5)od, end of story. There is nothing wrong with that.So when a child does not want to give auntie hug, or grandma a kiss….so what. Children need to learn that it is ok to say no, that no actually means no, and that no one can just go forcing themselves to give them an unwanted hug or kiss. And people wonder why we live in a society filled with rape culture. When I say this, I am not by any means blaming parents for doing this. [I myself have been wondering how we as a society have gotten here, and after reading this article it really makes more sense to me] By making children do things like hug or kiss a relative, when they get older they may not see an issue with the following things such as:

  • Accepting that no means no
  • That it is ok to force people to do things they do not want to
  • That boundaries are overrated
  • That consent does not matter
  • That there is nothing wrong with any or all of the above

Number three is:

“Asking, “What did you do to make him hit you?””

This one, right here teaches everyone the concept of victim blaming. I don’t think that I have never heard a parent not say this to a child, especially one who has multiple children. Teachers….teachers also say this one a lot! Let’s say that the kids are at recess. Let’s say that Bobby punches Ricky in the face and gives him a black eye. Ricky runs up to the teacher and say’s “Bobby hit me”. (Now I actually remember hearing this on the playground as a child) Teachers first words, “Well Ricky, what did you do to make Bobby hit you?” BAM right there, victim blaming 101 with elementary school children. Of course if you have siblings, it can start much much younger than that.

“Asking, “What did you do to make him hit you?” teaches both the victim and the aggressor that a person can force someone else to make a bad choice. This message is all too common in our“What were you wearing the night you were raped?” society.”

On top of what the articles says, the teacher student scenario that I described (and just asking the question what did you do…”teaches bully and victim that victims are questioned, felt to be made that they are not believed, upon accusation made to have substantial proof (other than the black eye of course), and the bully is not recognized as the issue right now, it is the victim with the black eye who is “telling on the bully” Oh, that is another good point…usually children on the playground do not like tattle tales, no matter what the reason, thus translating into “keep your mouth shut” Teachers (understandably and parents too) get frustrated with children constantimages (14)ly coming up to them saying that (he did this, she did that, and they did this…) so often times teachers and parents will say no one likes a tattle tale. This of course is more geared to the every day minor things children do to each other that they all find dramatic. However, instilling that message in their head, I believe, plays part of the role in the silence of victims.

Number four:

“Teaching kids that boys hit girls because they like them.”

“It doesn’t matter whether your child is a girl or a boy, it’s important they learn early on that hitting or hurting someone to get their attention is never okay. And it is absolutely not a way to show somebody that you like them.”

This entire statement and concept reinforces domestic violence. Ir is never…EVER ok to do this to someone.

Number five is:

“Slut-shaming any girl or woman in front of kids.”

Children are like images (13)little sponges, and they see and hear everything! They listen when you are having an “adult conversation” with someone else, even when you think that they are not. And since they do not know what is going on, they make their own assumptions. Since authority figures to them are the ones who are in charge, they take what they hear as truth, whether or not what was said is indeed true or not.

“If our kids hear us excusing rape or sexual assault in any way, they will internalize that message. They will also hear you degrading women for their sexuality or clothing, and they will remember that.

They may start to believe that there are circumstances in which they deserve to be raped or assaulted, or believe that they are entitled to commit (or even just excuse) rape or sexual assault if the victim seemed to “deserve it.” Whether that’s because a woman made a “slutty” choice or because a male victim “seemed gay,” it is wrong. Every time.”

Number six is:

Reinforcing the idea that girls should be “pure.”

This one is equally damaging for both genders.

“A lot of girls today are taught that their value lies in their “purity” (meaning virginity or modesty) in a time when that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Girls are expected to remain virgins until marriage, despite the fact that 95 percent of Americans have sex before marriage. Even evangelical Christians have premarital sex at a rate of 80 percent, despite all the propaganda insisting women remain “pure” for marriage.”

Seriously, first of all, look at the day in age we live in…this is just not realistic. Meanwhimages (29)ile, boys/men are looked at as “experienced” when they have sex before marriage, and are seen by there peers as “the man” when the have sex in high school college. Talk about a double standard?! Not to mention, we are all humans, we all have desires. This whole “no sex before marriage thing started when people were marring at the age on 16 or younger….that is not how it works today!

There are other issues with this too;

“For other kids, teaching that sex is only okay in marriage, or even only when you’re in love, can cause them to make less-than-healthy choices. Marnie Goldenberg, a health consultant and sexual health educator, says that for teens, trying to connect sex with love can actually become a trap. Girls are taught that being in love will always keep you sexually safe, which simply isn’t always true.”

This right here in my opinion makes people “lie” about being “in love” just to get some “action” and it does not matter what the gender is, it works both ways.

“The idea that marriage, or even being in love, are prerequisites for ethical sex also casts girls who aren’t “pure” as not as deserving of society’s protec
tion against abuse and rape.”

This is images (28)a powerful statement that I think is true. We see every day women and men “slut shaming” women because they have sexual desires even though they are not in love. This
can lead to certain men not valuing a woman who has made the choice to have sex because she want’s to, thus feeling entitled to “do what he want’s to her”. I think in a way that it leads to victim blaming as well. One could gather that if the female was “pure” then she would never have brought something like this upon herself.

While researching rape, I see “slut shaming” all over the place. And it isn’t even just women who decide to have sex with a partner of their choosing, is has to do with what she is wearing, how she is acting, and if she is drinking. How this relates is that “A pure woman would not do that”. Being a “pure woman” has to do with your soul, not if you decide to have sex with someone before marriage.

The fact of the matter is, that what we teach our children when they are young, whether we mean to or not, has a huge impact on their morals, judgment, self awareness, and their view of others as they develop into adults. To be honest, after reading this article, I would be so afraid to be a parent, as I already unsure that I want kids. It is such a huge responsibility, and I think that sometimes we forget how big it really is, and how everything we say and do has a major impact in shaping the people they become.

 

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Let’s talkk about consent……

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People are taught that consent is a “yes”. But clearly there is a lot of confusion about this topic.  I was initially going to make this more of a facetious post geared towards the individuals who disregard boundaries ,  but number one, that is not who my audience is, and number two,  the intent of my blog is to be helpful. ..so I ditched that part of my idea.

Still, people act as if consent is grey when it is really black and white.  I  will use me for an example.  I  know that I didn’t give consent.  I verbally told him no and that it was never going to happen.  He raped me when I was passed out and I woke up to it. However,  that day and the next,  being raped really messes with your mind and makes you question everything.  Not only did I not want to believe that I was raped,  I never thought that it would happen to me. Knowing that I didn’t give consent wasn’t enough,  it was like I need proof of some sort for my mind.

So I came up with an idea to post what consent is not. So if sex occurs from any of the below,  there is no need to doubt or second guess, it is rape.

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