A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape



Coping Is Important For Healing

Finding a way to cope with your assault is very important. This gives you an outlet to channel all your thoughts, feelings and emotions through. There are many healthy ways in which a person can cope, and unfortunately there are many self destructive ways in which a person can cope. This post is going to focus on the positive ways because when you are already in such a negative state, it is hard to think of positive ways to cope. I have been there, I have been through the negative coping mechanisms and they just make a person spiral down deeper and deeper into the darkness. So I am going to talk about what other people do that helps them to cope, and I am going to talk about what I do to cope. Please comment below if you do something that is not listed because I know that others would love to know! There is no “manual” on how to recover from rape, sexual assault, domestic violence, molestation, incest, or sexual abuse; so this is my way of trying to aid in the recovery of others.

artArt is one way people cope. Art comes in many forms from painting, drawing, writing, poetry, making collages, photography, performance art (if you play or want to learn to play a musical instrument), ceramic/pottery and making sculptures. Now, you don’t have to be an artist. You only have to enjoy what you are doing. I always wanted to paint, but I never knew how. I can draw, but I didn’t find it an effective coping mechanism for me (but hey, at least I tried it right?). I tried a “Paint Nite” you go to the website, pick a painting that you like, and the location, then they teach you how to paint it. It was really fun, and the painting actually comes out like the one they show you! I have done several of these.

Reading is another coping mechanism. It allows you to escape for a time into a place of your own choosing. Whatever genera of material you like, pick up some great books and get lost in them. At least for a moment, you will be able to focus your thoughts somewhere else.

gardeningGardening. This allows you to use your creativity, and foster new life and new beginnings. If you like gardening but live in the city and don’t have an area where you can garden, there are many community gardens all around. If this is something that appeals to you, search for community gardens in your city. You also don’t even need to garden outside, get creative with indoor plants and design an indoor garden in any room!

Volunteering. Some people find it therapeutic to volunteer. Maybe you love animals and would like to volunteer at an animal shelter. Maybe helping the homeless is more your style so going and volunteering at a soup kitchen or a local shelter is something that would be a fit for you. Perhaps you prefer to donate blood and help with the efforts that go along with that, so an organization like the Red Cross or local blood drives would be something that you can focus a bit of your energy on. Or maybe you might enjoy visiting the elderly in nursing homes. There are so many elderly folks who never ever receive any visitors. One thing that I haven’t done yet, but I will be doing is getting a bunch of flowers, writing a bunch of handwritten cards/notes, and I will be taking them to a local nursing home where I will pass out a flower and a card/note to people who don’t get any visitors. I will sit and visit with them.

boxingExercising. This one is my coping mechanism. Exercising is a great way to cope with sexual assault and many other challenges that life gives you. Types of exercise include: walking, jogging, running, yoga, palates, cross-fit, dancing, boxing, kickboxing, weights, zumba, aerobics, bike riding, spin class, martial arts, swimming, rowing, horse back riding, or playing a sport you like. I box. I box because it allows me to channel my anger and frustrations out on the bag. It is also a great and tough workout! I also do yoga because I find meditation very helpful. I struggle with keeping a clear and present mind, and yoga helps me with that.

Hopefully this information with be helpful to you, if not now (which is completely understandable) then at some point in the future when you are ready.


Male Sexual Assault Victims Need Just As Much Advocacy As Females

Sexual assault has no limit when it comes to age, race, gender, gender identity, class, education, geographical location, religion, profession, or political views. All victims are created equal in the eyes of sexual assault. That being said, one group of victims whose voices go unheard far too often are male sexual assault victims. Rape and sexual assault happen to men too. Even if statistically it happens a little bit less to men than women, does that really matter? No, it doesn’t. Each and every sexual assault victim has been grossly violated, and suffers through an excruciating emotional trauma.


The views that the majority of society have with regards to the male sexual assault victim are tragic and flawed. Men are raped and sexually assaulted by men and women. If a man dares to come forward with the information that he has been sexually assaulted, the stigma attached to that is reprehensible and truly portrays victim blaming and shaming to an extreme level. Common views that are associated with this are “Real men don’t get raped” “You are a man, it is impossible for you to get raped”, “Oh please, you know that you like the attention, s/he was so hot” etc. The idea that a man is capable of being sexually assaulted is an idea that the social constructs of society dismisses; and that is simply false. Because of this, so many men live in silence with the agony of their assault, never being able to heal. For some who do come forward, they don’t receive the support they need from family and friends, as they are harshly judged and in turn are stigmatized. For others, they are fortunate to have wonderful family and friends who know that all sexual assault victims are the same, and gender has no bearing.

The message needs to change. Awareness needs to happen. The warped social construct and views surrounding sexual assault victims, especially male victims, needs to be abolished.


Accidentally Teaching Our Children About Rape Culture

Full Article

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I came across this great article today by way of Facebook called  “6 WAYS WE (ACCIDENTALLY) TEACH OUR KIDS RAPE CULTURE” [full article link is at the top of this post). It talks about six ways parents unknowingly and unintentionally teach about and validate Rape Culture. The article defines the six ways, and offers suggestions on what a parent can do/say differently to not teach their children Rape Culture.

This is a great article, and it makes a lot of sense. It shows that we are forming the minds of children to accept rape culture, victim blaming, being afraid to say no, and slut shaming. Children are like sponges, and they are very smart. What the underlying meanings of what they are taught build the core of their own belief systems, way of thinking and actions that they take as they grow into teenagers and adults.

Number one is:

“Telling our kids that- “boys will be boys.””

Now, just like it is stated in the article,  when most people say “boys will
be boys” they do not mean any harm by it.

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“But every time they hear us excuse their

bad behavior as part of boy life,they learn

that they are not only above the rules, but

also that boys cannot control their impulses.”


If boys are constantly being told this from such a young age, how can anyone realistically expect that it will not have an effect on them as they grow into teens, young adults and full grown men?

“As parents, we cannot be shocked that boys feel entitled to sexually harass others (whether it’s standard rape, like in Steubenville, or as part of the all-too-common tradition of sexual “hazing”) when we’ve been telling them their whole lives that they are above the rules, by virtue of being boys.”

I grew upimages (10) with two younger brothers, do you know how many times I heard both of my parents say those
exact same words? Now my brothers do not contribute to rape culture (or at least I have never observed them doing so). Also as a child, a lot of my friends had brothers too. I heard their parents say the exact same thing…same goes for aunts and uncles. This message needs to stop being taught to boys and girls. Boys and men are perfectly capable of controlling their impulses. It is a parents job to teach children of both genders impulse control, gender has nothing to do with it, being a child is when you learn impulse control. This whole “boys will be boys” sounds very innocent, but not only does it do what has already been explained, it also creates the common “excuse” that rapists use…”It’s not my fault”

Number two is:

“Forcing kids to hug and kiss others.”

This on is so very dangerous on so many levels. It teaches children that it is ok to have their boundaries violated. That if they say no, it is ok for someone to force them to do it anyway – thus the word “No” is not meaning or taken as a “No”. That it is ok for someone to force someone else to do something that they do not want to do. It teaches that they are not in charge of their body, and what they say about their body does not go. Also, it forces them into doing something that they do not want to do and that their family is ok with it.images

“Lots  of well-meaning, loving parents tell their kids to give a friend or relative a hug without considering whether their kid really wants to. This sends the dangerous message that consent can be over-ridden, or doesn’t matter at all.”


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Take my  nephew for example. He is a sweet affectionate 5yr old. He loves to give Auntie (me) hugs. B
ut sometimes when I see him, I open my arms wide to receive a hug, and he shakes his head no. What do I do? Nothing. Some day’s I don’t feel like giving a person that I know a hug, I am just not feeling it. What makes it any different when a child says no to a hug from a family member? Children are living breathing humans with feelings. Sometimes…they just are not in the modownload (5)od, end of story. There is nothing wrong with that.So when a child does not want to give auntie hug, or grandma a kiss….so what. Children need to learn that it is ok to say no, that no actually means no, and that no one can just go forcing themselves to give them an unwanted hug or kiss. And people wonder why we live in a society filled with rape culture. When I say this, I am not by any means blaming parents for doing this. [I myself have been wondering how we as a society have gotten here, and after reading this article it really makes more sense to me] By making children do things like hug or kiss a relative, when they get older they may not see an issue with the following things such as:

  • Accepting that no means no
  • That it is ok to force people to do things they do not want to
  • That boundaries are overrated
  • That consent does not matter
  • That there is nothing wrong with any or all of the above

Number three is:

“Asking, “What did you do to make him hit you?””

This one, right here teaches everyone the concept of victim blaming. I don’t think that I have never heard a parent not say this to a child, especially one who has multiple children. Teachers….teachers also say this one a lot! Let’s say that the kids are at recess. Let’s say that Bobby punches Ricky in the face and gives him a black eye. Ricky runs up to the teacher and say’s “Bobby hit me”. (Now I actually remember hearing this on the playground as a child) Teachers first words, “Well Ricky, what did you do to make Bobby hit you?” BAM right there, victim blaming 101 with elementary school children. Of course if you have siblings, it can start much much younger than that.

“Asking, “What did you do to make him hit you?” teaches both the victim and the aggressor that a person can force someone else to make a bad choice. This message is all too common in our“What were you wearing the night you were raped?” society.”

On top of what the articles says, the teacher student scenario that I described (and just asking the question what did you do…”teaches bully and victim that victims are questioned, felt to be made that they are not believed, upon accusation made to have substantial proof (other than the black eye of course), and the bully is not recognized as the issue right now, it is the victim with the black eye who is “telling on the bully” Oh, that is another good point…usually children on the playground do not like tattle tales, no matter what the reason, thus translating into “keep your mouth shut” Teachers (understandably and parents too) get frustrated with children constantimages (14)ly coming up to them saying that (he did this, she did that, and they did this…) so often times teachers and parents will say no one likes a tattle tale. This of course is more geared to the every day minor things children do to each other that they all find dramatic. However, instilling that message in their head, I believe, plays part of the role in the silence of victims.

Number four:

“Teaching kids that boys hit girls because they like them.”

“It doesn’t matter whether your child is a girl or a boy, it’s important they learn early on that hitting or hurting someone to get their attention is never okay. And it is absolutely not a way to show somebody that you like them.”

This entire statement and concept reinforces domestic violence. Ir is never…EVER ok to do this to someone.

Number five is:

“Slut-shaming any girl or woman in front of kids.”

Children are like images (13)little sponges, and they see and hear everything! They listen when you are having an “adult conversation” with someone else, even when you think that they are not. And since they do not know what is going on, they make their own assumptions. Since authority figures to them are the ones who are in charge, they take what they hear as truth, whether or not what was said is indeed true or not.

“If our kids hear us excusing rape or sexual assault in any way, they will internalize that message. They will also hear you degrading women for their sexuality or clothing, and they will remember that.

They may start to believe that there are circumstances in which they deserve to be raped or assaulted, or believe that they are entitled to commit (or even just excuse) rape or sexual assault if the victim seemed to “deserve it.” Whether that’s because a woman made a “slutty” choice or because a male victim “seemed gay,” it is wrong. Every time.”

Number six is:

Reinforcing the idea that girls should be “pure.”

This one is equally damaging for both genders.

“A lot of girls today are taught that their value lies in their “purity” (meaning virginity or modesty) in a time when that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Girls are expected to remain virgins until marriage, despite the fact that 95 percent of Americans have sex before marriage. Even evangelical Christians have premarital sex at a rate of 80 percent, despite all the propaganda insisting women remain “pure” for marriage.”

Seriously, first of all, look at the day in age we live in…this is just not realistic. Meanwhimages (29)ile, boys/men are looked at as “experienced” when they have sex before marriage, and are seen by there peers as “the man” when the have sex in high school college. Talk about a double standard?! Not to mention, we are all humans, we all have desires. This whole “no sex before marriage thing started when people were marring at the age on 16 or younger….that is not how it works today!

There are other issues with this too;

“For other kids, teaching that sex is only okay in marriage, or even only when you’re in love, can cause them to make less-than-healthy choices. Marnie Goldenberg, a health consultant and sexual health educator, says that for teens, trying to connect sex with love can actually become a trap. Girls are taught that being in love will always keep you sexually safe, which simply isn’t always true.”

This right here in my opinion makes people “lie” about being “in love” just to get some “action” and it does not matter what the gender is, it works both ways.

“The idea that marriage, or even being in love, are prerequisites for ethical sex also casts girls who aren’t “pure” as not as deserving of society’s protec
tion against abuse and rape.”

This is images (28)a powerful statement that I think is true. We see every day women and men “slut shaming” women because they have sexual desires even though they are not in love. This
can lead to certain men not valuing a woman who has made the choice to have sex because she want’s to, thus feeling entitled to “do what he want’s to her”. I think in a way that it leads to victim blaming as well. One could gather that if the female was “pure” then she would never have brought something like this upon herself.

While researching rape, I see “slut shaming” all over the place. And it isn’t even just women who decide to have sex with a partner of their choosing, is has to do with what she is wearing, how she is acting, and if she is drinking. How this relates is that “A pure woman would not do that”. Being a “pure woman” has to do with your soul, not if you decide to have sex with someone before marriage.

The fact of the matter is, that what we teach our children when they are young, whether we mean to or not, has a huge impact on their morals, judgment, self awareness, and their view of others as they develop into adults. To be honest, after reading this article, I would be so afraid to be a parent, as I already unsure that I want kids. It is such a huge responsibility, and I think that sometimes we forget how big it really is, and how everything we say and do has a major impact in shaping the people they become.


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Let’s talkk about consent……

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People are taught that consent is a “yes”. But clearly there is a lot of confusion about this topic.  I was initially going to make this more of a facetious post geared towards the individuals who disregard boundaries ,  but number one, that is not who my audience is, and number two,  the intent of my blog is to be helpful. I ditched that part of my idea.

Still, people act as if consent is grey when it is really black and white.  I  will use me for an example.  I  know that I didn’t give consent.  I verbally told him no and that it was never going to happen.  He raped me when I was passed out and I woke up to it. However,  that day and the next,  being raped really messes with your mind and makes you question everything.  Not only did I not want to believe that I was raped,  I never thought that it would happen to me. Knowing that I didn’t give consent wasn’t enough,  it was like I need proof of some sort for my mind.

So I came up with an idea to post what consent is not. So if sex occurs from any of the below,  there is no need to doubt or second guess, it is rape.

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Brock Turner; Convicted Rapist…Don’t EVER Forget It

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Brock Turner has been convicted of raping an unconscious female behind a dumpster at a frat party. Two fellow male students caught him in the act, chased him down, and held him until police officers arrived on the scene.

Even though Brock Turner was found guilty, he was sentenced to only 6 MONTHS of jail time because it was in the opinion of the judge that, ““A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him. I think he will not be a danger to others.”

Brock Turner’s father want’s people to stop talking about his son being a rapist. He made the statement [in a letter where he was making the argument that his son should receive probation], “His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life”.

Dan Turner (father of Brock Turner) went on to say, “He will never be his happy go lucky self with that easy going personality and welcoming smile”.

Seriously?!?! HIS life will never be the one he dreamed of? HE will never be HIS happy go lucky self? CRY ME A RIVER! He brutally raped a woman, and now just like almost all rapists, he is getting a slap on the wrist with only 6 months of jail time.

The poor victim. At the sentencing, the young woman asked the judge if she could address her attacker, Brock Turner, directly, and read a letter that she wrote. It is heart wrenching. Some things she said were,

 “The next thing I remember I was in a gurney in a hallway. I had dried blood and bandages on the backs of my hands and elbow. I thought maybe I had fallen and was in an admin office on campus. I was very calm and wondering where my sister was. A deputy explained I had been assaulted. I still remained calm, assured he was speaking to the wrong person. I knew no one at this party. When I was finally allowed to use the restroom, I pulled down the hospital pants they had given me, went to pull down my underwear, and felt nothing. I still remember the feeling of my hands touching my skin and grabbing nothing. I looked down and there was nothing. The thin piece of fabric, the only thing between my vagina and anything else, was missing and everything inside me was silenced. I still don’t have words for that feeling. In order to keep breathing, I thought maybe the policemen used scissors to cut them off for evidence.”

On that morning, all that I was told was that I had been found behind a dumpster, potentially penetrated by a stranger, and that I should get retested for HIV because results don’t always show up immediately.

So one year later, as predicted, a new dialogue emerged. Brock had a strange new story, almost sounded like a poorly written young adult novel with kissing and dancing and hand holding and lovingly tumbling onto the ground, and most importantly in this new story, there was suddenly consent. One year after the incident, he remembered, oh yeah, by the way she actually said yes, to everything, so.

Full letter here:

During an n interview with The Washington Post on 6/6/16 Santa Clara District Attorney Jeff Rosen stated that, “To this day, the defendant denies what he did, Turner “preyed upon” his victim and displayed violence”.

I hope no one ever….ever forgets the name Brock Turner, and the fact that he is a brutal rapist who got off easy. I hope everyone who reads this shares it with someone, or everyone they know so that it will cycle and cycle throughout the media outlets for years to come. So that in the future when others are looking up information, the name “Brock Turner; Rapist” will always and forever be connected as one, identifying him as a rapist for life, because that is what he is, a filthy, disrespectful, depraved, deceitful, and remorseless RAPIST!



What Just Happened?!?!??


Alright,  so I have these neighbors who live behind me. An Italian couple in their 40’s with three children,  two of which who live at home

I am friends with the wife. She is a very nice, strong-willed  loud Italian woman.

I  do hear this couple fight. ..all the time.  Sometimes it sounds like bloody murder in their house,  and their windows are not even open

Tonight I was outside,  and per not out of the ordinary,  I heard them fighting inside.  This time was definitely louder than usual,  but it really is not any of my business.  Suddenly,  the wife flings open the back door to the porch and SCREAM’S “HELP…HELP!!!!” Then slams the door closed.

Now, I have lived here for over a year, I have never…EVER…seen or heard anything like this come from them…EVER…. Even the tone of her voice. I was immediately concerned, despite the fact that I know that they argue all the time. This sounded and felt different.I was so worried because I was afraid that if I called the police, that she would be mad at me, yet at the same time, I was truly afraid for her, the sound of her screams. So I ran inside and explained everything to my roommate. He said that I should call the police…I was really just looking for reassurance to do so, because deep down I really felt afraid for her and I really wanted to.

I called the local PD, and they transferred me to 911. I don’t even know the name of her street because she lives behind me, but I explained where her house was located.

When the officers showed up (one unit, two officers) they called me to make sure that they were at the correct house. This family does not have a doorbell. So I shimages (2)owed them and went back to my apartment, and gave them my address. Eventually one of the officers came around back (the back of my apartment, and the back of her house face each other). He asked me to confirm which house was hers, and then asked me what her name was. Meanwhile, the backdoor to her house opened, and the other officer that I saw, and a different one was in the house. Then I saw her…she was holding her key’s, she confirmed her name and said that her and her husband just got home and she didn’t know what was going on. When the officer’s told her, she said something along the lines of “I don’t know….stupid nosy neighbors”.

Shortly thereafter,  the initial responding officers rang my doorbell and told me what I had already heard. There were practically tears rolling down my eyes. He said ” I don’t know what to tell you, you can file a report against the husband, but she says that they were not even home”. I told him “No”. I said that if she is going to lie about what happened, then I don’t even what to be involved. I told him that as a victim of abuse myself, I called because I was afraid from her because she was calling for help, if that is her story, then it is what it is, and I am sorry for bringing you down here, I was just trying to do the right thing.Then he asked for my name for the report, and I told him that I did not want to give it to him because h
er nephew works for the police force. I told him that I was afraid that she would be mad at me.

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Right now I just feel so stupid!! Was she really in trouble? Or was she just being dramatic? My gut tells me this was different and there was something not right going down in that house, but she lied, and I get why why people lie about these things. But now I wonder, did I make things worse for her? If I ever screamed out
the window or door for help, I sure as shit would hope that someone would call the police.

I am also afraid that now she is going to know that it is me, and that she is going to hate me for it. I wasn’t calling the police because they were loud, I was calling the police because she was screaming for help.

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Question For Survivors Of Rape

How did rape impact your sexual life with your lover if you had one?


And if you didn’t have one at the time,  how did it impact your love life with your first lover after your rape?

My lover left shortlyafter my rape to volunteer out of the country.  We had a couple of intimate encounters,  but I was still in shock from the rape.  At this point,  I can’t even. …hmmm…”have fun with myself “.

He is coming back this month and I am terrified about what is going to happen regarding. …the bedroom. …



How…..How Am I Supposed To Recover?

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I just..I am at a loss. Every day…every single day of the week I research about ways to cope with and recover from being raped. I am seeking counseling, I am fighting, I am shimages (2)aring my story, I am doing everything possible! Nothing, and I mean nothing is helping! I keep searching, reading, looking for something that will help me get back to myself. Looking for some magical piece of advice that will work, to stop it all! Stop the fear, the anxiety, the restless nights, the loss of appetite, the flashbacks, the worry, the jumpiness, the everything that has been making me not myself since he raped me. But there is noting out there. I feel like I am never going to be able to get past this. I am in terror – fear and shame every day! I am at my wits end! I don’t understand how people move on from this and lead normal lives? What is their secret? I just want my life back. I was so happy, my life was not perfect, but I worked so hard to be happy, and I was in such a good place, happy and satisfied with myself as an download (2)individual.

He took that away! He didn’t just rape my physical body…he raped my soul as well. My entire being is just, devastated, angry, a mess, and depressed. I have been through some pretty heavy stuff in my life, including being molested by a relative when I was in 8th grade, but this…being raped; this is by far the worst thing that I have ever..ever been through in my life! EVER! I wish I did something more. I wish that I could have foreseen it! I wish that I could have stopped him!  I wish I wasn’t scared to go to the ER after it happened! I wish that I could get hi m put away for this before he does it to anyone else! I wish I could just forget! I wish that it never ever happened! I feel like my whole life, my whole being is ruined and I can’t do anything about it.

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