How…..How Am I Supposed To Recover?

I just..I am at a loss. Every day…every single day of the week I research about ways to cope with and recover from being raped. I am seeking counseling, I am fighting, I am sharing my story, I am doing everything possible! Nothing, and I mean nothing is helping! I keep searching, reading, looking for something that will help me get back to myself. Looking for some magical piece of advice that will work, to stop it all! Stop the fear, the anxiety, the restless nights, the loss of appetite, the flashbacks, the worry, the jumpiness, the everything that has been making me not myself since he raped me. But there is noting out there. I feel like I am never going to be able to get past this. I am in terror – fear and shame every day! I am at my wits end! I don’t understand how people move on from this and lead normal lives? What is their secret? I just want my life back. I was so happy, my life was not perfect, but I worked so hard to be happy, and I was in such a good place, happy and satisfied with myself as an individual.

He took that away! He didn’t just rape my physical body…he raped my soul as well. My entire being is just, devastated, angry, a mess, and depressed. I have been through some pretty heavy stuff in my life, including being molested by a relative when I was in 8th grade, but this…being raped; this is by far the worst thing that I have ever..ever been through in my life! EVER! I wish I did something more. I wish that I could have foreseen it! I wish that I could have stopped him!  I wish I wasn’t scared to go to the ER after it happened! I wish that I could get hi m put away for this before he does it to anyone else! I wish I could just forget! I wish that it never ever happened! I feel like my whole life, my whole being is ruined and I can’t do anything about it.