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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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Poems

Almost Gone

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Smile so bright and eyes so blue
On the outside she looks happy but no one knew

Inside she was numb and subdue
Defeated the encompassing afflictions that ail her Beyond her control
Blackness and decay she feels in the depths of he soul

But no one will know
She hides behind her lively smile
And big doe eyes
No one understands that she is projecting lies
Strength and aspiration dissolved
Transposed to decay, desolation, and despair

She doesn’t crave death
For she perished long ago.

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Tortured Mind

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This tortured mind of mine won’t rest

Anxiety, depression, thoughts of terror possessed

Repulsive memories flash through my mind

In bits and pieces discombobulated and intertwined.

Day’s are dark,  and night grow blacker with each sleep,  leaving me breathless, restless, petrified and fatigued.

With each passing night the nightmares take fight

And every passing day,  the flashbacks come out to play

There is no end in sight to this tournaments ignite

Each breath that I take, and blink that I make I wish for abrogation!

Alas, forlorn my hopes and efforts

As tortured mind, a tortured being, a toured soul, attains no rest

 

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The Fucking By My Rapist Continues

andrea-cooper-quote-ninety-percent-of-the-time-rape-is-done-by

You violated my body,  deep down to the depths of my soul.

You didn’t care that I said I would never sleep with you,  how long were you planning this? I don’t know?

You’re mad because the court removed you from the apartment,  and with good reason they had

But guess what buddy,  you are still on the lease,  you are responsible for payment , that is legal, so too bad.

Until I find a roommate,  that responsibility is yours

Whether you find it fair or not , ignored will be your deplores.

And should things go awry, and the landlord decides to vacate

Don’t for a second think that it is only my rental record that is subject to taint

We are both on the lease, so outcome effects us both

Only I get the the shit end of the stick, because of what you did to me, and what I continue to undergo

My life is torn apart, I am broken, tarnished, and on the decline

While you carry on, probably even reminiscing about that morning, jerking off to it, and living the life divine

 

Who Am I

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Who am I?  For this I don’t know anymore.

But I am a woman who refuses to remain silent,  that’s for sure.

I was never one to back down in defeate

But the extent of your all encompassing deceit….

I am powerless to educe justice for the crime that occurred.

And how could I,  when it is word against word.

You had me in your sights all night from the start.

You groomed me all evening,  being sneaky and impart.

What kind of justice system do we have

What type of world do we live in

Where the guilty are immediately viewed uncensurable

And the victim’s indictable

I loose countless hours every day and night over these notions

This is not me, how I am, or how my brain typically functions.

Who am I

Who am I  becoming

Right now I am dark, decaying , drained and drowning

I hope I will evolve to someone more triumphing

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I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW

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I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW! I JUST WANT TO SHUT MY BRAIN OFF!!!

I hate what you did to me. I  hate how I feel.  I hate how I can’t sleep.  I hate how I can’t eat.  I hate that I get flashbacks.  And images of your disgusting face in my mind.  I  hate who I have become,  someone I don’t know,  or like, or can even define.

I  was once so viscous, full of life,  complete, and content.  You took that away in a moments notice with no warning or accord.

I can’t concentrate,  I have nightmares,  I am jumpy and on edge.  I’m constantly looking over my shoulder,  I am scared and tormented.

I wish I could just sleep.  Sleep until these feelings go away,  but even sleep is not peaceful,  for forever in my mind you stay.

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Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

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I’m not scared of wolves

It’s the wolves in sheep’s clothing I fear

Feigned, conniving and deceitful is the true essence they hide

But with wolves you see their true nature,  no shame, no apologies,  no lies

You are a wolf in sheep’s clothing

The lowest of the low

What you deserve  something,  so awful,  more damaging than anyone could undergo

How could you do this to me? Are you that twisted?

Because I said I would never sleep with you,   my boundaries you omitted?

You are worthless,  insignificant,  more grotesque than scum on the bottom of the filthiest shoe.

And don’t you worry,  because one day Karma WILL COME FOR YOU

I will take care, and run with the wolves

They are safer to be around,  you know what to expect from them

Take care my rapist,  for one day,  Karma will bring your perfect world to a shattering end

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DARK AND WITHERING

The joy in my life has ceced

A veil of tenebrosity ensues

What has my life disparaged to

How can one man  incite so much anguish

For a person should not have the kind of power over you

Yet, when a person  defiles you, that assertion does not hold true.

To have your boundaries disregarded is unexplainable to convey

I force a smile for all the world too see

But on the inside I’m withering, and as dark as can be.

 


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Image borrowed by;

http://www.deviantart.com/tag/wither

DEFEATED

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Exhaustion, depression, anxiety,  tribulation, indignation and preoccupation is my current state

For I cower at the thought that I don’t know  how much more my soul can take

Strong, resilient, vivacious I was

Now  transformed into a defeated faux pas

How long will this semblance persist

Every breath I take makes me not want to exist

My body is distressed, it’s toilsome to move

My mind  is wearisome and incompetent, not seeming to improve.

I’m so tired  from insufficient sleep, that if I can’t attain proper slumber,  I fear what will ensue

When will this cease,  when will I ameliorate, when will I no longer be a woman that I hate

 

Sleep Won’t Come

It’s nearly midnight and I should be sleeping

But thoughts of anxiety and anguish penetrate my mind, they are creeping.

As the ebon circles under my eyes grow darker

My cognizance distorts to a despondent state of preoccupancy

Resulting in kaput days that feel long

And  shuddersome causing me to waken in hostility.

As each day my face  grows more pale

My circles more prominent

But sleep won’t come

As I drift off, I’m suddenly roused with sweat and nightmares

My soul feels hopeless

As night turns into day

Now it’s too late

And off to work  I go in my wretched state

Everlasting Day

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My nights are long and disconsolate
And the day’s are dark and melancholy
As day fades into night
And night dissolves into day
It’s like an eternal affliction
Everlasting every day

My eyes grow heavy
My body feeble
My mind disintegrated
My soul obliterated

I seek piece of mind
Freedom of what I’ve been cursed
Instead I remain captive
Imprisoned by the terror
Of what he did
Trapped in this vicious circle
With no day’s end

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