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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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So Anxious; I Can’tDeal With This Anymore

Since I was raped on February 14th this year  (2016) I have been suffering from major anxiety,  PTSD,  suicidal thoughts and so much more.  About two weeks ago,  I passed my rapist on the street.  I had a panic attack ( which I have never experienced in my life).

Since then,  I have been even more anxious  (which I didn’t even think was possible. …but it is ) and paranoid. I am afraid to leave my house.  I don’t feel safe.  When I leave to go to work,  the whole  (15 minute trip ) is a nightmare!  All my muscles tense up, my heart pounds out of my chest,  my stomach hurts. ..and I want to cry. I work on a locked floor,  so in my office,  I feel safe.  But, I have to run errands daily.  This has proven to be a struggle.  The same feelings that I get on my way to work I feel,  only times three! ! I walk around Boston now with my camera open in fear of seeing him again.

Some day’s I feel like I am going to pass on on the street.

Today,  after work,  I was on my way to counseling.  I stopped at the T to have a clove.  I am an empath. All of the sudden I felt like someone was staring at me so I looked around.  It was this man…

 

You will notice that he is of Indian descent,  like my rapist,  carrying a conspicuous “suitcase “.  I stared at him while he was on the phone. ..and watched him for about 15 minutes.  He was DEFINITELY staring at me. I snapped a few pictures…the one on the phone   (so if I ever end up dead. … fyi).

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I  have learned the hard way to trust my gut. In college,  I was walking home from the T, I got a feeling that someone was following me. But since I lived close to the T, I told myself that I was worrying about nothing.  He actually was following me, stopped me and prevented me from going into the gate of my house.

And that is not the only time I ignored my intuition.

I am in fear of my well being,  my life, and I wish that the fucking sexual assault unit in Boston actually invistigated my rape.

I don’t know what to do.

Coping With Rape; I Just Don’t Understand How I Am Supposed To Do This

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I research the topic of rape every day of the week. I do this because I am looking for many things; answers, help, blog post ideas, etc.

One thing I have been researching a lot lately is how to cope with being raped. I still do not understand how anyone is capable of this (but I know that so many are stronger than me and have been successful at this). It is like I am looking for the secret.

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Every article I read says the same things: Seek counseling, talk about it with trusted family and friends; know that it is not your fault; realize that the perpetrator should be the one who feels guilty not you…..etc…

 

I have been actively doing everything these articles say, reaching out, seeking help, but to no avail. Coping does not seem to be in the cards for me. I wake up every single night sweating from nightmares, except for one…ONE night recently. I have flashbacks, I am scared, jumpy, depressed, emotional. I will be ok one minute and the next minute I feel like I am about to cry and loose it because memories come flooding back at random times. How long does this go on for? I just want my life back! I was so happy, and now I don’t like who I am. I am exhausted, I hardly eat, sleep, I feel like I am barley surviving. And for once, it doesn’t seem to matter how much research I do, I cannot find an answer or solution.

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Question For Survivors Of Rape

How did rape impact your sexual life with your lover if you had one?

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And if you didn’t have one at the time,  how did it impact your love life with your first lover after your rape?

My lover left shortlyafter my rape to volunteer out of the country.  We had a couple of intimate encounters,  but I was still in shock from the rape.  At this point,  I can’t even. …hmmm…”have fun with myself “.

He is coming back this month and I am terrified about what is going to happen regarding. …the bedroom. …


 

 

So Scared

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I know that I cannot control the universe,  but seriously,  I have been dealt such a bad hand.

I’m running out of time and options to find a roommate to fill my apartment,  and my rapist refuses to pay rent even though he is still on the lease.

My rental history is perfect.  While I would love for him to have an eviction on his record,  I cannot afford to have one on mine. This isn’t fair,  it isn’t just!

I have about two weeks to secure a roommate,  or else I am basically homeless!  I have been endlessly searching for a roommate since March 1st, to no avail.  I am so scared,  I am running out of options.  I feel hopeless,  and if I can’t secure one, I am going to end up on the streets.

I not only don’t have the funds to move, but even if I could create them,  finding an apartment with two dog’s is so hard,  and the outlook is not good.

If I don’t find a roommate, I will not be able to go on anymore. ..

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Rape Destroys Lives

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Today,  I spent the majority of the afternoon researching this topic to write a post about how rape destroys the lives of the victim and their families and friends.  Well, I was in for a shock when I saw what that search result yielded! 

That did lead me to a whole other set of research and a different topic of discussion,  but I became so upset,  so sad, angry,  depressed. ..you name it,  I felt it!

At first I was not going to write at all today,  but then I decided to stick with my original idea. . RAPE RUINS LIVES

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As of right now,  yes, my life is in shambles.  This rape has effected every relationship that I have,  it has effected my work,  my sleep,  my eating,  my self worth,  my view of my image,  my sanity.

Every day is a nightmare !  Some day’s might have some small happy moments sprinkled in that last for images (34)a very short time,  but each and every day, whether I am awake or asleep is a nightmare.I’m afraid to sleep because of the nightmares I get, I am afraid to be awake because of the thoughts,  visions,  flashbacks,  jumpiness,  anxiety,  and constantly looking over my shoulder. I am devised that I can’t get justice,  like so many others,  and my rapist walks around free to do the exact same thing to someone else,  living his life like nothing happened.  I  wouldn’t even be surprised if he goes home at night and jerks off to his crime!

When is it going to end? How many more victims do there have to be before things change?  Before society changes? I  ask myself this question many times a day.

How many more?  How many more?  How many more?  How many morimages (33)e?  This plays over and over again in my head on repeat!

I am fighting.  Doing everything I can.  Reaching out to advocates,  lawyer’s,  Senator’s,  but it is an up hill battle.  It’s like there is justice for victims,  and the law and society is so
concerned about protecting rapists!

Of all the people who I told that I was raped,  and they replied to me saying that they had also been raped,  all of their rapists never got to trial or anything!  (Accept one, the verdict is still out on that friend, the evidence is still being collected.  I think about this friend every day and I hope. …I hope so much that their rapist is tried,  convicted,  and put away!)

Victims matter!  We matter way more than the monsters who rape us!

How many more?

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Myths About Being Raped

[This was not written by me, it has been placed for your convenience from:]

http://bluegrassrapecrisis.org/myths-about-sexual-violence/

Myths about sexual violence

We all live in a society where rape is defined and sometimes rationalized according to underlying cultural norms, attitudes, and practices. As a result, when victims are choosing a path to recovery from rape, their fear of a non-supportive response by those around them may be a reality.

When we consider societal views and the common misconceptions surrounding rape, we can better understand the challenges survivors of sexual violence face.

Myth: When someone is raped, they get over it pretty quickly.
Reality: Studies show that recovering from rape can take several years for some. In one study, 26% of survivors had not recovered four to six years after being raped (Koss, 1993).

Myth: There is something wrong with survivors who are still having symptoms and reactions to a rape moths or years later.
Reality: Since so many victims have never discussed the violence with anyone, they frequently continue to have symptoms because they have never had an opportunity to get help. Compounding this, their sense of shame and guilt may increase their symptoms. Sexual violence is profoundly traumatic, and it is completely appropriate for victims’ symptoms and reactions to occur in a dramatic scope parallel to the severity of this trauma. A victim who is experiencing post traumatic symptoms and reactions needs and deserves proper therapeutic intervention.

Myth: Sexual violence survivors usually have immediate medical needs.
Reality: Between half and two-thirds of victims sustain NO physical trauma. Of those who are injured, about half receive formal medical care. Half of all victims who are seen by providers after the rape have some degree of vaginal or perineal trauma. Sexually transmitted diseases occur in approximately 3 to 30% of survivors. Although these medical problems are the immediate results of the violence, many survivors have symptoms and illnesses that affect their lives many years after the violence.

Myth: Most people who are vicitms of sexual violence tell someone about it.
Reality: Studies find that over 90% of women have never told anyone about the sexual assault (Friedman, Samet et al., 1992).

Myth: Many women who “cry rape” are making it up.
Reality: Rigorous research shows that only between two and eight percent of all reported sexual assaults are false reports, which means the overwhelming majority of reports are true (Lonsway, Archambault, & Lisak, 2009).

Myth: A person who is assaulted by someone she/he knows has less to fear than someone raped by a stranger.
Reality: Individuals who are violated by someone they know may have more fears than those who were violated by a stranger. These may focus on concerns about retaliation, betrayal of trust, the perpetrator threatening to harm family members, as well as his having continued access to the victim. Rape by an acquaintance is no less traumatic or real than rape by a stranger.

Myth: Once a rape is over a survivor can again feel safe.
Reality: Most survivors are scarred by the assault. One of the most profound effects of victimization is the loss of safety and autonomy. Following an assault, victims commonly feel vulnerable, betrayed, and insecure about their abilities to be safe from violation again. The rape can effect many parts of life, for instance, the ability to perform at work, the ability to trust others and to form intimate relationships, and the ability to feel a sense of safety.

Myth: Perpetrators need to threaten their victims with a gun or a knife in order for it to really be rape.
Reality: Some rapists use a weapon, but often force is accomplished in other ways. Getting a potential victim drunk or putting drugs in their drink can precede sexual violence. Merely threatening harm is often enough. Even when a weapon was NOT involved, half of all victims state that they feared serious injury or death during the assault (Koss, 1992). By their actions, perpetrators show victims that they have no regard for the victim’s boundaries or body, so it makes sense that victims would fear for their safety and well being in the hands of the perpetrator.

Myth: If someone is drunk and/or uses drugs then they deserve what they get.
Reality: This is actually an old belief that serves to blame the victim rather than understand that a person has been violated. This belief views individuals as either good or bad and excuses the rape. No one wants or deserves to be raped and we should all be safe from violation regardless of our physical or mental condition.

Myth: If someone doesn’t want to be raped, it can’t happen.
Reality: This is based on the idea that we are not supposed to be sexually aggressive so victims “let” themselves get raped as a way of being sexual. People can be forced or coerced into acts they did not consent to, and may be too scared, overwhelmed or confused to fight. They may also assess that fighting off an attacker would increase their danger and decide they are safer to acquiesce.

Myth: People who feel guilty after having sex turn around and say that they were raped.
Reality: Few people (between two and eight percent) falsely cry “rape” (Lonsway, Archambault, & Lisak, 2009). Sometimes we find it hard to believe that a person we admire, socialize with or work with would rape someone. This difficulty often results in blaming the victim or denying that the rape could have happened. The huge pressure victims can feel after telling may make them want to recant the story in order to make all of the problems go away.

Myth: A rapist is a man who cannot control his sexual desires.
Reality: Rape is most often a premeditated crime. It is an act of aggression and sexual violence, not an expression of sexual desire and can be perpetrated by either a man or a woman. The majority of convicted rapists do not rape out of sexual frustration, but for the emotional gratification they received from the act of sexual violence.

Myth: People who blame themselves for the rape happening do so because they did something to provoke the rape.
Reality: One way not to feel like a victim is to feel in control of what happened even if it means blaming yourself. So, after the violence victims often say things such as “I should not have parked there,” or “I should not have gone out with him.” It is a way of believing that if you change certain behaviors you won’t be violated again. This is the same reason many other people blame victims: They want to believe everyone is in total control of their own lives and therefore will not be victimized so long as they make the correct choices.

Myth: There is something very wrong with a woman who would let her husband
rape her.

Reality: This is a variation on the “Why does she stay with him?” question that people ask about a physically battered woman. Relationships are complex, and we now know that when a woman leaves her abuser she is at an increased risk for being hurt by him. Women do not want to be raped, and creating a safe plan for leaving can take time and resources. What she needs is to be asked about the abuse and to be supported and assisted as she works on becoming safer.

Myth: Rape usually involves a black assailant and a white victim.
Reality: Victims and assailants are most frequently of the same race.

Myth: A male cannot be raped.
Reality: The rape of males is believed to be even more underreported than that of females. Males who are raped are typically assaulted by heterosexual men. Male children are more likely to be assaulted by heterosexual men than by women or homosexual men. Very young males are most likely to be assaulted by family members or caretakers. Young teenagers are typically assaulted by authority figures, and young adult males by peers or older adults.

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I came across this article and website because I am having a hard time getting over my rape. It has only been two months, but it feels like an eternity. I am not doing well at all, and I just want to know when it is going to get better, or start to get better…

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I Just Don’t Know What To Do Anymore

 

I am approaching the end of my rope and I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t take it, I can’t cope. I have done everything right, and nothing is working out for me. On top of that, I am seeking help, sharing my story, both here, and with family and friends in person, I am seeking counseling, and nothing is bringing ease to my pain and suffering, I am not feeling any better!

I am admits the pit of deep dark and despair, with no hope or glimmer of light. I have been through a lot of tough times in my life (and no, I am not talking about love struggles, but I do know first hand how terribly awful those are and can be), so I am no stranger to dark times. I have always remained positive and came out ok…this time, I am getting worried, I have never in my life felt such despair, such anguish, such….just at a loss of words (which for me is not at all typical!).

I don’t know how much longer I can continue like this. I keep looking at my two little dog’s, the only reason why I have not relinquished hope and given up right now, but it is getting harder and harder to function, live, breathe…..I just don’t know what to do.

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I Want To Take A Moment To Thank. …

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Anyone and EVERYONE who follows my blog,  comments and or likes my posts!

I don’t even think you fathom how mudownloadch that it means to me, and how much I appreciate you.Even if my blog is something that you have not been through,  I am trying to not only raise awareness,  but heal. So many of you have amazing comments,  insight,  and blogs!  I LOVE IT!

 

All of you maimageske me so happy.And I don’t think that each and EVERY one of you realize how much you have truly helped me,  and continue to help me.I  only hope that I am doing the same for others out there ♡♡♡

 

 

So THANK YOU.  Thank you so very much!  💖😊

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Trying To Find The Will To Stay Strong

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I have had a very hard week. My grandpa died, the funeral was Monday  (actually,  what we had, you can’t call a funeral,  but that is not relevant to this blog ), the family is in crisis because of awful things going on,  and I still can’t cope with my rape.  I am a mess right now,  just a mess. I still can’t find a roommate,  and I am concerned about work because I have missed so much of it. I am a wreck.  The past few days,  I just want to give up completely!

Sitting on my bed a few minutes ago,  I was thinking about all the people who care about me. Who really care about me and that felt good for two seconds  (I will take it!). I have always been the person who can put myself together and focus on the positive no matter what,  but this has not been and continues to not be the case since February and I find it extremely frustrating.

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Then I looked at my two dog’s.  They were both staring up at me with their big almond shaped eyes. They know that I have not been well,  as I can tell by the beyond extra love they have been giving me.  I  love dog’s ( especially mine) because they are so intuitive.  And all they want is love,  and to make you happy.  They have been a big help for me.

My oldest,  has previously been banned from sleeping in the bed for almost a year because he kept peeing in it (he is old ) and he was given chances,  but I couldn’t take it anymore.  A few days ago I was so sad, I decided to let him sleep in the bed. (He loves to put his forehead on my forehead,  especially when I am feeling down ). So far,  no accidentes thankfully.  In fact,  I woke up the other night.  I  sleep in a queen bed.  My old boy is 10lbs,  the baby is 6lbs.  I woke up,  the older one was pushed up as close as possible on my back,  the baby, nestled on my back side in my neck…and I  was on the edge of the bed…..lol…literally.

If I can’t be strong for myself,  I have to be strong for these two. Their undying love and loyalty,  and literally always here for me the way that isn’t possible for any human to be. I’m not saying that to take away from everyone who loves, supports,  and is there for me, it’s just dog’s do this on a completely different level that humans can, and vice versa. I am glad that I have bothgoing for me.

 

I Am Losing It

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I am losing it. I just can’t take it anymore.  I can’t handle it; the sleep deprivation,  flashbacks,  jumpiness, depression,  being fearful every day that I am going to see him. It takes such a toll on me.  I’m literally exhausted!

I’m obsessed.  Obsessed with trying to find a way to bring him to justice.  It has completely consumed me.

I am becoming more jumpy each day. I can’t even count how many times someone came up to me at work today and I jumped clean into the air. It’s embarrassing, frustrating and fills me with anxiety.  And when they ask why, I just in an awkward way tell them that there is a reason,  and thankfully that ends the conversation.

I can’t live like this.  I don’t feel strong, or like a survivor,  or like myself.

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