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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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Not fair

I Came Forward, I Want To Press Charges & The DA Won’t Do Anything

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I was raped by my former roommate on February 14th 2016. I filed a police report.  Within less than 48 hours I was told that the DA would not be moving forward with the case.

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In fact,  I met with the DA this past Tuesday,  and it was confirmed that there was not even an attempt made to get a statement from my rapist.

 

Two weeks ago,  a judge granted a two year restraining order extention against my rapist because  (judges words) “My story was credible”. In fact,  on record and under oath,  the story of my rapist changed”.

I am just outraged.  I have no doubt in my mind that this dirt bag will do this again to someone.  And…..and, he works for the Department of children and families in Massachusetts!  His first day was 2 day’s after he raped me,  so he passed the background check.  When I told this to the DA, he was not concerned.

I refuse to give up, because I KNOW that this rapist knew EXACTLY what he was doing,  and I have  NO doubt in my mind that he will do it again. IF I had even the slightest bit of doubt,  even just a hair…I would drop it. But I don’t.

He didn’t accept no for an answer,  so why should I.  I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that he can’t do this to anyone else EVER AGAIN!

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Being Raped Has Ruined My Life – I Live In A Constant State Of FEAR

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Being raped is on of the worst experiences that a person can live through.  The aftermath of rape is equally as terrible. As if being raped isn’t bad enough,  the trauma from that event, the memories,  the scars….they last forever.

It is bad enough that I am TERRIFIED to leave my house,  or work once I arrive there safely.  This is my everyday reality.images (2)

My roommate left a few days ago,  and he won’t be back till next week.  I am petrified.  To the point where I sleep with a kitchen knife under my pillow.

It is completely unfair. My rapist lives his live unaccountable for his actions, untouched, unharmed, hell, I would not even be surprised if he jerks off to that morning and what he did to me. And I, am cursed to continue to live with flashbacks, nightmares, fear, visions, the inability to concentrate, sleep and eat.

I live every day of my life in fear, to the point where on most day’s, at least once, I become so overwhelmed with fear that I start to shake uncontrollably, and most day’s this happens more than once.

Rape has ruined my life…

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I’m Never Going To Be Ok…Can’t Believe This Happened Today

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Today started off wonderful.  It is sunny and warm.  I was actually happy this morning  (which is very very rare these days ). Around 11:30 I left the office to run to the grocery store to grab something for lunch, and a coupleof other things.

I was almost at the store when walking down the street,  in my direction, was my rapist.  He was with a friend.  The rapist was wearing a light blue polo shirt and sunglasses  (or it was his transition lenses) They were walking, talking, and he was smiling.  I was completely horrified and caught off guard.  Yes, we both work in Boston,  but he doesn’t exactly work near me. I  rushed into the store, then paused to make sure that they were not coming in.

They didn’t. At that point I began to shake, my eyes filled with tears.  I  couldn’t even remember what I was there for. I quickly walked around the store,  grabbed a few things and cautiously and anxiously walked back to the office. I  went to the bathroom and started to cry, and then I began violently shaking. I tried to pull myself together enough to get out of the bathroom before someone walked in.  When I was out of the bathroom, I walked be a coworker  and she asked me if I was ok. I just nodded and kept walking.

One coworker and one boss know what happened to me,  so I grabbed my coworker and told her,  I could hardly get the words out. She took me into a conference room and I just broke down. It was awful.  We talked and she asked me if I wanted her to get my boss,  so I said yes. When my boss came in I was crying and shaking.  We talked,  she also suggested that I call the hotline  (BARCC rape crisis) so I did. I ended up having to leave the office.  I was too scared to take the T, so I called an uber.

I’m so … I don’t even have the words to describe it.  I don’t feel safe,  I’m scared,  a nervous wreck,  and I see his face every day with flashbacks, and most nights in my nightmares. To see him today,  in person,  going about his happy unaffected life….is just a feeling that I can’t even put into words.

Brock Turner The Rapist Will Only Serve Three Months In Jail

Full Article:

http://time.com/4363538/brock-turner-stanford-sexual-assault-swimmer/

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This is a freaking outrage!!! As if the slimy judge who already let this rapist off with a slap on the wrist with 6 months jail time…It has not been confirmed that Brock Turner the Rapist is due to be released from jail on September 2nd….yes, that is three months from the day he was sent there!!!!

When I first read this I could not even believe it! This whole entire situation is just disgusting!  And now it has got even worse!! What in the hell kind of society do we live it?!

Not to mention…talk about white privilege….So, if you are a white male with money you can pretty much get out of anything! This world just get’s sicker and sicker every day!

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If you are not familiar, his accuser recanted her claims, after Banks had already served 5 years in prison….I can only imaging how hard this case would have been to prove, especially compered to Brock Turner the Rapist’s case which was open and shit with witness and their involvement.

I hate the people who falsely accuse others of rape, because it is so hard for rape victims to get justice (look at the Brock Turner Rapist case, open and shut and still no justice). But the fact of the matter is that false reports of rape equal the exact same (percentage wise) as all other crime false reporting (murder, larson, robbery…). It really sucks when an innocent person accused of Rape goes to jail, because so many actual rapist don’t even make it to court, let alone are they convicted.

But in the case of Brock Turner the Rapist, I would be anything that if wasn’t white…he would have been put away for a long time.

Finally Got The Courage To Get A Copy Of My Police Report

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Since the DA will not prosecute my RAPIST, I have been forced to seek other means of justice. I have been working withe the victim law advocates, and they are trying to find me an attorney who might take my case to civil court. So far I have had no success.

Last night I was doing research for my blog, and I came across a site, and a lawyer who looked liked they might be able to help (maybe). I looked up this lawyer and emailed them. I received a response. This lawyer requested all restraining order documents and police reports.I sent all the restraining order documents, but I still never picked up the police report, I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.

Today I went to pick it up so I can send it to the lawyer tomorrow.

I was furious!! With what I saw in the report….or rather what I did not see!!

#1 – The section with the information about the rapist. I am fairly certain that I told the detectives that he is not a citizen of this country. Even if I am wrong, they know that is information relevant to the report, and they never asked me (but I am fairly certain that I told him…it should be in there!!!!!!!)

#2 – The description of what happened, it was very short, fine, a summary, but no where does it say that I told this asshole that I wold never have sex with him . I explicitly said that to him that night! I told the detectives that more than once! Why in the hell wasn’t it in the report?!?! Especially because the DA decided in the leingtt of less than 48 hours that they were not going to press charges, and the detectives never even questioned the rapist!!!

I feel like these detectives didn’t give a care in the world, and only did this paperwork because they “had to”. Oh, a girl was drinking and she “got raped”.

It is like they didn’t believe me.

What, I can’t drink in my own home and go to sleep in my own bed without being raped?

I am so outraged!

I want so bad to name my rapist!! He needs to be brought to justice!

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So Scared

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I know that I cannot control the universe,  but seriously,  I have been dealt such a bad hand.

I’m running out of time and options to find a roommate to fill my apartment,  and my rapist refuses to pay rent even though he is still on the lease.

My rental history is perfect.  While I would love for him to have an eviction on his record,  I cannot afford to have one on mine. This isn’t fair,  it isn’t just!

I have about two weeks to secure a roommate,  or else I am basically homeless!  I have been endlessly searching for a roommate since March 1st, to no avail.  I am so scared,  I am running out of options.  I feel hopeless,  and if I can’t secure one, I am going to end up on the streets.

I not only don’t have the funds to move, but even if I could create them,  finding an apartment with two dog’s is so hard,  and the outlook is not good.

If I don’t find a roommate, I will not be able to go on anymore. ..

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Stigma Hurts

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I have never felt rape stigma so bad as I do now, trying to find a new roommate! I have been looking for a roommate since March 1st. It has not been an easy task. With the people that have ended up coming to see my apartment, and the people that I do like and could see myself living with, I keep running into the same issue for the most part. Not all cases, but 99% of them. They meet me, they like me, they like the place, the price, location, etc. Then they ask why the previous roommate left….What the hell am I supposed to say?!?!?!?! I am the honest type, I am not going to lie or deceive anyone no matter what the cost. images (6)

This is how it goes; Prospective – “Why did your roommate leave?” Me-  “He was removed by the court” Prospective – “Why? What did he do??” Me- Umm…. He raped me” Prospective – “crickets” — no they say, “I am so sorry, that is terrible…blah blah balhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!” Then I never hear from them again! Female, Male, Gay, Straight, Bi…it is all the same. What is this?!?! I don’t get it? Am I supposed to lie? I don’t think so! Are they passing judgement on me? Were they just playing me all along and pretending that they loved the place and wanted to fill out an application….wasting my time and theirs??? I am sensing a pattern, and I have learned the hard way to trust my gut, and my gut says that is directly has to do with telling these people that I was raped by my former roommate. Now what the hell am I supposed to do to overcome this? Not only do I need a new roommate asap….It has to be the right roommate for me, I am not letting anyone just move on up in here. images (4) I just feel so defeated, and I don’t  know. I have never been raped before…let alone by a roommate! I don’t know how to handle this, I don’t know how to proceed! I don’t know what or when to tell people, so I only tell when asked. So why are people so ridiculous when they find out that I have been raped? I have had roommates for years, many many years, and have never ever had a hard time finding replacements or new roommates. What gives? It’s like The havoc that this rapist has reaped on my life is endless and continues to grow every single day! When is it going to end! I mean sure, most things happen for a reason, so clearly none of these prospective people are for me in regards to roommates, but I am reaching the the end here. Rapist who is still on the lease will not pay, I am running out of time and resources to get someone in here. I am just at such a loss!

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The Frustration Continues

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The rapist that I formally lived with is still on my lease. I have had no luck so far in finding a new roommate (it must just be the time of year, as I have never had such a hard time before). I (we, but I got his too) have been served a 10 day notice to quit for the unpaid rent of the rapist for the month of April. March was taken care of by his last month’s rent that he gave upfront. He has stated to my landlord that “Since he is not living at the residence, he do not feel that he need’s to pay).

Well, that is not the way the law works! He is still responsible for rent, and so am I. Unfortunately, if the amount is not paid, the eviction process will start, and if evicted, that will effect us both. I want to stay here, so I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t. I have a flawless rental record that I do not want destroyed because of him, but I dimages (2)o not have the money to pay the entire rent. I plan on taking him to court to get all the money, this month and any other months that there might be with no one living here, but that is going to take time. I don’t know what I am going to do?! I also plan to take him to civil court for the rape. He should be held accountable for his actions, and I feel like I am never going to be able to move on until that happens, even if it isn’t criminal, at least it is something and I am not just sitting here letting him get away with rape. His actions are repulsive! Now I am under additional stress financially because of him. He says that this is not “fair” about having to pay rent. Well, it isn’t fair that he raped me. He signed the lease, he is on it until he is removed. Again, this is him avoiding responsibility for his actions. This is what all rapists do! It needs to stop! How know’s how many other women he has done this to, and if he isn’t stopped or deterred in some manner, who knows how many will be next?

I am so depressed, frustrated, and some days I feel like giving up. But then I remind myself that I can’t. I can’t for me, I can’t for his most likely past victims, and I really can’t for his potential future victims. I don’t believe that people who rape only do it once. Sure, maybe it has happened in a very few cases, but in general, these disgusting individuals are repeat offenders. And they are going to do it again. I mean, this disgusting excuse for a human groomed me all night! This was surely not his first offence.

I really hope things start to turn around soon. It is like he keeps coming out on top and I keep coming out on the bottom. Why does the rapist always seem to win?

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Too Much Focus On “But Are They A Rapist?” And Not Enough On The Victim

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I cannot comprehend the society that we live in! Rape is the only crime where IF……and I mean IF….the victim comes forward and reports it, they are treated like a criminal. They are not taken seriously, and the main focus is “Oh, but were you really raped? What were you wearing, were you drinking, doing drugs, flirting, did you date, did you say no, if you said no, did you fight back, could you have fought back harder, why were you alone at night, why did you get in the car, why were you in that situation to begin with, did you get a rape kit – no – WHY…???…etc.

There is such a heavy focus on protecting rapists and their “character” that police, DA’s friends, family don’t want to get involved .

And people wonder why such a small percentage of rapes are actually reported!

I reported my rape, I worked with detectives, and in less than 24 hours, the detective called me and said that the DA was not going to move forward with my case? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!?!? They didn’t even question my rapist!! I was outraged, I had a breakdown on the phone.

Unless things change, Rapists are going to continue to rape at the already alarming rate that they do. Why – because they know that the chances of getting caught, or in trouble are slim to none! This IS RAPE CULTURE.

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I am so fed up with reading about how rape culture does not exist. Look at the facts, look at the statistics. As long as the chances of serious consequences are extremely low, it enforces that society does not take rape seriously. People turn a blind eye and until that changes, society is reinforcing that rape is acceptable.

Hardly any rape victims who come forward and seek justice actually get it, me included. Times that by how many rapists there are out there. Now come on, do you seriously think that one person rapes another person just once and never again?!? I am sure that it is happened, but realistically, I don’t believe that is the case with 99.9% of people who have committed the heinous crime of rape.

I don’t want to be apart of a world that reinforces rape, protects rapists, and condemns victims, what kind of world do you want to live in?

And I know that my pictures with the statistics are US statistics, but the reality that rape culture and the reinforcement of it is displayed all over the WORLD!

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The Fucking By My Rapist Continues

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You violated my body,  deep down to the depths of my soul.

You didn’t care that I said I would never sleep with you,  how long were you planning this? I don’t know?

You’re mad because the court removed you from the apartment,  and with good reason they had

But guess what buddy,  you are still on the lease,  you are responsible for payment , that is legal, so too bad.

Until I find a roommate,  that responsibility is yours

Whether you find it fair or not , ignored will be your deplores.

And should things go awry, and the landlord decides to vacate

Don’t for a second think that it is only my rental record that is subject to taint

We are both on the lease, so outcome effects us both

Only I get the the shit end of the stick, because of what you did to me, and what I continue to undergo

My life is torn apart, I am broken, tarnished, and on the decline

While you carry on, probably even reminiscing about that morning, jerking off to it, and living the life divine

 

Getting The Short End Of The Stick Continues!!!!!!!!!

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This sucks!!!! Everything sucks, and the hit’s just keep on coming! I have been looking for a roommate for a month now to no avail. Today I received a text from my landlord saying that he has only received half of the rent for this month, and to please let him know by the end of the day when he can expect the rest.

Now, my landlord has been understanding, he knows the situation, and I know regardless, he needs to get paid, so that is not where this is going. The ASSHOLE who raped me is still on the lease, therefor, he is still legally responsible for rent until he is no longer on the lease. I had a conversation with my landlord, we both do not want to get the courts involved, but have decided that if that is necessary, then we will.

I then have been in touch with BARCC today, and will be early next week. So far, it is looking like my options are very limited, a no options are looking to solve the immediate problem at hand .ie: getting my landlord his money asap. Even if I take this scumbag to small claims court, that will take forever to “potentially” get money, and that is only if they decide that I am owed it.

I am so FUCKING ANGRY!!! THIS ASSHOLE HAS MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL, AND THE SHIT LIST CONTINUES TO PILE UP!!! IT ISN’T FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!

You know something,  is it fair that he is legally responsible for rent while he isn’t living here…wahhhh, cry me a river!  Is it fair that he stuck his dick inside a passed out person who already told him that she would never sleep with him?

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My Biggest Regret

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I am really struggling with recovering from the rape that happened to me.  I  hate how I feel,  I  hate who I am right now.

The facts: 1. I was drunk,  but that doesn’t mean anything.  2. I told this creep earlier before I was too drunk that I would never sleep with him. 3. I woke up and he was on to and inside me.

My biggest regret,  I should have immediately went to the hospital,  period.  I was too scared.  But had I went to the hospital,  evidence could have been collected. My BAC level would have been checked  (I was still drunk at noon the nextday ), and there would have been a higher chance at having the DA actually decided to prosecute my rapist.

Instead,  I am stuck feeling broken,  and having no way to get justice.  This just adds to my terrible feelings,  and inability to function on a  daily basis.

 

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