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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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Road to Recovery…When Does It End?

It has been exactly 8 months since I was raped (actually 8 months yesterday because it is after midnight). I am  not doing much better at all, I am still having awful nightmares; the went a way for a couple of weeks, but not for long, migraines are in full swing (this one is 7 days long!) and I miss so much work because of them. I had stopped blogging because all I think about is rape, and I thought that taking a break might help – but it hasn’t.

I don’t want to live in this world anymore

What have any of you survivors who read my blog do/have done that help’s? I don’t know what to do. I need to change my life around, I miss being happy and full of joy, and I want it back. He took so much from me!

I came across this great read: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/life-after-rape-5-keys-to-growth-and-healing-for-women-0217155

I immediately started crying because of this (in particular the bold)

I rarely meet a woman who has experienced rape and is comfortable using that word. In fact, in my experience most try to avoid it and instead use language such as “I had an incident,” “You could say that he touched me,” or “I had sex with him but didn’t really want to.”

That almost  what I said to my boyfriend via text the day I was raped, and because of that, the police did not take me seriously. I was in shock and horror and…who want’t to say or write that out loud to anyone, let alone themselves or a boyfriend! I said, “We had sex but I didn’t want to”. Not only that but I also described that I woke up and he was on top  of me inside me. But police and DA’s in this country take the word over a Rapist every time.

I have been searching for ways to overcome this, and I see the same things….forgive yourself, blame the rapist, talk to family and friends, exercise, volunteer, therapy….I am having a very hard time finding something that helps. At first, about a month after, I forced myself to go out and do things – be social. Now I don’t want to talk to anyone, I am starting to feel weird around my boyfriend, and  just really wish I could find some answers.I miss…..me….

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Rape, Boston Massachusetts, & A DCF Employee

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I was raped in February by my former roommate.  He started a new job at the Department of Children and Families two days after he raped me.  So yes…he clearly passed the background check.

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My restraining order has recently been extended for two years  (the judge hardly batted an eye while granting it) and amended the order to keep the rapist away from my place of employment.

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I told the detective that the rapist worked for DCF. Additionally,  I recently had a  meeting with the DA’s office.  I  spoke with an ADA about a lot of things.  About how my rapist was never questioned or asked to give a statement when I filed a police report.  I also told the ADA thatthe rapist works for DCF. The ADA did not appear concerned at all. This is appalling and frightening to me. This rapist, this dispicable excuse for a person works for an agency who deals with a vulnerable population.  He either has direct access to the vulnerable population,  or access to their personal information.  They are NOT SAFE with him being an emphasis of DCF. Apparently,  the Suffolk County Justice System doesn’t seem to care.

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I Came Forward, I Want To Press Charges & The DA Won’t Do Anything

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I was raped by my former roommate on February 14th 2016. I filed a police report.  Within less than 48 hours I was told that the DA would not be moving forward with the case.

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In fact,  I met with the DA this past Tuesday,  and it was confirmed that there was not even an attempt made to get a statement from my rapist.

 

Two weeks ago,  a judge granted a two year restraining order extention against my rapist because  (judges words) “My story was credible”. In fact,  on record and under oath,  the story of my rapist changed”.

I am just outraged.  I have no doubt in my mind that this dirt bag will do this again to someone.  And…..and, he works for the Department of children and families in Massachusetts!  His first day was 2 day’s after he raped me,  so he passed the background check.  When I told this to the DA, he was not concerned.

I refuse to give up, because I KNOW that this rapist knew EXACTLY what he was doing,  and I have  NO doubt in my mind that he will do it again. IF I had even the slightest bit of doubt,  even just a hair…I would drop it. But I don’t.

He didn’t accept no for an answer,  so why should I.  I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that he can’t do this to anyone else EVER AGAIN!

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I’m (We Are ALL) Living In Rape Culture; This Conversation Actually Happened Last Night

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Last night I was talking with a “friend” who I had previously confided about being raped. We were talking because I was upset, I am having such a hard time moving on. My life is a mess, I am not myself, and I feel ruined.

As we were talking she said, “How do you even know for sure that you were raped? How do you know that is the whole story? What he did was wrong, but how do you know for sure that it was rape? You said yourself that you were so drunk, and you woke up to him on top of you and in you. How do you know that you were’t black out? I don’t think if a person is drunk that it really can be rape”

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Are you FUCKING ME?!?!?! I told her that regardless, even though I completely disagree with her, I told him no that night, that “I was never going to sleep with him” What he did WAS rape. I did not give consent, in fact I already told him no earlier, and I was not in a position to give consent. She said that I was drunk, and that I should have never gotten in the bed with him in the fist place….I was completely shocked to be hearing  this…from her. He was in my bed, in my room. I didn’t know why, I as shitfaced, tired, and figured that since I knew I made it clear that I would never have sex, that I had nothing to worry about. I was wearing clothes…it isn’t like I went to bed naked!! I had no idea that he would do that to me. And I couldn’t believe what she was saying. We argued about this for an hour, and it just made me sick. She really thinks that if a person is drunk, they cannot be raped. 

I have been a mess all day. I already feel like shit, and cannot cope with what happened, then I hear this from a supposed “friend” who was “trying to help”. What she is doing is victim blaming, making excuses for rapists, and saying that it is ok to rape drunk people.

I was raped, I have not doubt about it. There is no other explanation, no excuse. It doesn’t matter if I was drunk, he raped me, period, end of story. If this is what a “friend” thinks of certain types of rape situations, then what does the majority of society think. This is a prime example of rape culture….and it needs to end!

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Being Raped Has Ruined My Life – I Live In A Constant State Of FEAR

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Being raped is on of the worst experiences that a person can live through.  The aftermath of rape is equally as terrible. As if being raped isn’t bad enough,  the trauma from that event, the memories,  the scars….they last forever.

It is bad enough that I am TERRIFIED to leave my house,  or work once I arrive there safely.  This is my everyday reality.images (2)

My roommate left a few days ago,  and he won’t be back till next week.  I am petrified.  To the point where I sleep with a kitchen knife under my pillow.

It is completely unfair. My rapist lives his live unaccountable for his actions, untouched, unharmed, hell, I would not even be surprised if he jerks off to that morning and what he did to me. And I, am cursed to continue to live with flashbacks, nightmares, fear, visions, the inability to concentrate, sleep and eat.

I live every day of my life in fear, to the point where on most day’s, at least once, I become so overwhelmed with fear that I start to shake uncontrollably, and most day’s this happens more than once.

Rape has ruined my life…

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So Anxious; I Can’tDeal With This Anymore

Since I was raped on February 14th this year  (2016) I have been suffering from major anxiety,  PTSD,  suicidal thoughts and so much more.  About two weeks ago,  I passed my rapist on the street.  I had a panic attack ( which I have never experienced in my life).

Since then,  I have been even more anxious  (which I didn’t even think was possible. …but it is ) and paranoid. I am afraid to leave my house.  I don’t feel safe.  When I leave to go to work,  the whole  (15 minute trip ) is a nightmare!  All my muscles tense up, my heart pounds out of my chest,  my stomach hurts. ..and I want to cry. I work on a locked floor,  so in my office,  I feel safe.  But, I have to run errands daily.  This has proven to be a struggle.  The same feelings that I get on my way to work I feel,  only times three! ! I walk around Boston now with my camera open in fear of seeing him again.

Some day’s I feel like I am going to pass on on the street.

Today,  after work,  I was on my way to counseling.  I stopped at the T to have a clove.  I am an empath. All of the sudden I felt like someone was staring at me so I looked around.  It was this man…

 

You will notice that he is of Indian descent,  like my rapist,  carrying a conspicuous “suitcase “.  I stared at him while he was on the phone. ..and watched him for about 15 minutes.  He was DEFINITELY staring at me. I snapped a few pictures…the one on the phone   (so if I ever end up dead. … fyi).

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I  have learned the hard way to trust my gut. In college,  I was walking home from the T, I got a feeling that someone was following me. But since I lived close to the T, I told myself that I was worrying about nothing.  He actually was following me, stopped me and prevented me from going into the gate of my house.

And that is not the only time I ignored my intuition.

I am in fear of my well being,  my life, and I wish that the fucking sexual assault unit in Boston actually invistigated my rape.

I don’t know what to do.

Rape; A Father Not Caring

I have to admit that I have to find this halarious,  because if I don’t,  there is no way that I can cope.

My father and I have not had the best relationship in my life life.  The past few years it has been better.  He was struggling with family issues and taking care of my grandpa while he was sick  until he passed away earlier this year. Through that struggle,  I was there for him. I would usually call him a few times a week to check in to see how he was doing because I knew he was under a lot of stress.

Then I was raped.  My grandpa died shortly thereafter,  and I have not heard from my father since. There has been a lot of drama in the family surrounding my grandpa,  but all of that has nothing to do with my situation. On my birthday,  which was recently,  my father sent me a  Facebook message saying happy birthday,  he did even call me. My mom and brothers did. Then he had the audacity to get all upset when I only sent him a Facebook  message  saying  happy Father’s day.  Since I have told him that I was raped,  he has not once ask me how I am doing.  I even confided something to him that I never once told anyone,  and he accused me of being crazy like my my brothers ex girlfriend  (which I am not,  and I told him this after I was raped ).

So, to all of you who do not have support from your loved ones,  if they are not supporting you, they don’t really love you.  My mom, brother’s,  and friends (and actually acquaintances  ) have supported me more than my father.  Just like me,  you deserve more in your life than people like that.

I’m Never Going To Be Ok…Can’t Believe This Happened Today

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Today started off wonderful.  It is sunny and warm.  I was actually happy this morning  (which is very very rare these days ). Around 11:30 I left the office to run to the grocery store to grab something for lunch, and a coupleof other things.

I was almost at the store when walking down the street,  in my direction, was my rapist.  He was with a friend.  The rapist was wearing a light blue polo shirt and sunglasses  (or it was his transition lenses) They were walking, talking, and he was smiling.  I was completely horrified and caught off guard.  Yes, we both work in Boston,  but he doesn’t exactly work near me. I  rushed into the store, then paused to make sure that they were not coming in.

They didn’t. At that point I began to shake, my eyes filled with tears.  I  couldn’t even remember what I was there for. I quickly walked around the store,  grabbed a few things and cautiously and anxiously walked back to the office. I  went to the bathroom and started to cry, and then I began violently shaking. I tried to pull myself together enough to get out of the bathroom before someone walked in.  When I was out of the bathroom, I walked be a coworker  and she asked me if I was ok. I just nodded and kept walking.

One coworker and one boss know what happened to me,  so I grabbed my coworker and told her,  I could hardly get the words out. She took me into a conference room and I just broke down. It was awful.  We talked and she asked me if I wanted her to get my boss,  so I said yes. When my boss came in I was crying and shaking.  We talked,  she also suggested that I call the hotline  (BARCC rape crisis) so I did. I ended up having to leave the office.  I was too scared to take the T, so I called an uber.

I’m so … I don’t even have the words to describe it.  I don’t feel safe,  I’m scared,  a nervous wreck,  and I see his face every day with flashbacks, and most nights in my nightmares. To see him today,  in person,  going about his happy unaffected life….is just a feeling that I can’t even put into words.

How I Feel After Being Raped; The ABC’s

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Awful

Broken

Choked 

Damaged

Emotional 

Fearful 

Guilty 

Hurt

Insignificant 

Jittery 

Kaput

Lost

Mutilated 

Nervous 

Overwhelmed 

Paralyzed 

Queasy

Restless 

Suicidal

Tired 

Undefinable

Violated 

Weak

X – is his name ie THE RAPIST 

Yucky

Zero

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Today Is My Birthday…But It Doesn’t Even Matter

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Today is my 33rd birthday…but it doesn’t even matter…I am not even celebrating. I have no plans, I made no plans. I am broken beyond belief because of what he has done to me. No justice, no responsibility, free to do it again to some other woman. I still can’t sleep, can’t eat, I am anxious all the time, jumpy….what is the point on celebrating this year when I am completely destroyed as a human. I don’t even want to be living most day’s. It is not fair and there is nothing that I can do about it. I am so depressed, exhausted, tired of the nightmares, flashbacks and…just living….there is nothing to celebrate!

 

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What Just Happened?!?!??

 

Alright,  so I have these neighbors who live behind me. An Italian couple in their 40’s with three children,  two of which who live at home

I am friends with the wife. She is a very nice, strong-willed  loud Italian woman.

I  do hear this couple fight. ..all the time.  Sometimes it sounds like bloody murder in their house,  and their windows are not even open

Tonight I was outside,  and per not out of the ordinary,  I heard them fighting inside.  This time was definitely louder than usual,  but it really is not any of my business.  Suddenly,  the wife flings open the back door to the porch and SCREAM’S “HELP…HELP!!!!” Then slams the door closed.

Now, I have lived here for over a year, I have never…EVER…seen or heard anything like this come from them…EVER…. Even the tone of her voice. I was immediately concerned, despite the fact that I know that they argue all the time. This sounded and felt different.I was so worried because I was afraid that if I called the police, that she would be mad at me, yet at the same time, I was truly afraid for her, the sound of her screams. So I ran inside and explained everything to my roommate. He said that I should call the police…I was really just looking for reassurance to do so, because deep down I really felt afraid for her and I really wanted to.

I called the local PD, and they transferred me to 911. I don’t even know the name of her street because she lives behind me, but I explained where her house was located.

When the officers showed up (one unit, two officers) they called me to make sure that they were at the correct house. This family does not have a doorbell. So I shimages (2)owed them and went back to my apartment, and gave them my address. Eventually one of the officers came around back (the back of my apartment, and the back of her house face each other). He asked me to confirm which house was hers, and then asked me what her name was. Meanwhile, the backdoor to her house opened, and the other officer that I saw, and a different one was in the house. Then I saw her…she was holding her key’s, she confirmed her name and said that her and her husband just got home and she didn’t know what was going on. When the officer’s told her, she said something along the lines of “I don’t know….stupid nosy neighbors”.

Shortly thereafter,  the initial responding officers rang my doorbell and told me what I had already heard. There were practically tears rolling down my eyes. He said ” I don’t know what to tell you, you can file a report against the husband, but she says that they were not even home”. I told him “No”. I said that if she is going to lie about what happened, then I don’t even what to be involved. I told him that as a victim of abuse myself, I called because I was afraid from her because she was calling for help, if that is her story, then it is what it is, and I am sorry for bringing you down here, I was just trying to do the right thing.Then he asked for my name for the report, and I told him that I did not want to give it to him because h
er nephew works for the police force. I told him that I was afraid that she would be mad at me.

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Right now I just feel so stupid!! Was she really in trouble? Or was she just being dramatic? My gut tells me this was different and there was something not right going down in that house, but she lied, and I get why why people lie about these things. But now I wonder, did I make things worse for her? If I ever screamed out
the window or door for help, I sure as shit would hope that someone would call the police.

I am also afraid that now she is going to know that it is me, and that she is going to hate me for it. I wasn’t calling the police because they were loud, I was calling the police because she was screaming for help.

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Can’t Even Describe How I Am Feeling

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I know that it has been a long time since I have posted, and that I have not been posting daily as per usual.

I have been in such a dark dark place. It has been just about 4 months since heimages (1) raped me. My dreams, flashbacks, sleeping issues, concentration, eating issues, etc. are really not improving much at all. I am beyond exhausted, physically, mentally and spiritually.  Feeling like this is new to me (I am not speaking to feeling like being raped…or I suppose maybe in a way I am). By nature I am a happy positive person. In my life, I have dealt with many downs, some very dark and very bad (like everyone). That being said, I have always had the ability to bounce back quickly, see the positive, and not live in despair. I am(or should I say WAS)  like that annoying stereotypical happy person that pessimists and people who are in a bad or fair mood detest…lol.

I don’t know how to deal with all that I am feeling, and in certain cases, what I am not feelintumblr_myw1514Y3s1t5u7l9o1_500g. I don’t know how to focus like this, I don’t know how to stop the nightmares, the flashbacks, the looking over my shoulder, the always being jumpy. I am sinking deeper and deeper into sadness, despair, confusion, and un-expressible emotions. I have never in my life ever been like this and it scares me. If there is one thing I know, it is self expression and communication. This is uncharted territory.

 

I have not been able to take pleasure in things that I like since February, and now, I can’t even bring myself to blog. Blogging has been my outlet. I am very concerned about what is happening with me. I am, have been and am continuing to seek help, but nothing seems to be improving. I am anxious about what the upcoming months are going to bring.note_to_myself_i_miss_you_by_velvetlusia

I just really feel that I am broken and damaged beyond repair right now.

After Being Raped; I Don’t Think I Will Ever Heal

Trigger warning : graphic images

I chose to make this a visual post.  I have no problem expressing myself with words,  but sometimes,  visual depictions do what word’s cannot.

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Finally Got The Courage To Get A Copy Of My Police Report

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Since the DA will not prosecute my RAPIST, I have been forced to seek other means of justice. I have been working withe the victim law advocates, and they are trying to find me an attorney who might take my case to civil court. So far I have had no success.

Last night I was doing research for my blog, and I came across a site, and a lawyer who looked liked they might be able to help (maybe). I looked up this lawyer and emailed them. I received a response. This lawyer requested all restraining order documents and police reports.I sent all the restraining order documents, but I still never picked up the police report, I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.

Today I went to pick it up so I can send it to the lawyer tomorrow.

I was furious!! With what I saw in the report….or rather what I did not see!!

#1 – The section with the information about the rapist. I am fairly certain that I told the detectives that he is not a citizen of this country. Even if I am wrong, they know that is information relevant to the report, and they never asked me (but I am fairly certain that I told him…it should be in there!!!!!!!)

#2 – The description of what happened, it was very short, fine, a summary, but no where does it say that I told this asshole that I wold never have sex with him . I explicitly said that to him that night! I told the detectives that more than once! Why in the hell wasn’t it in the report?!?! Especially because the DA decided in the leingtt of less than 48 hours that they were not going to press charges, and the detectives never even questioned the rapist!!!

I feel like these detectives didn’t give a care in the world, and only did this paperwork because they “had to”. Oh, a girl was drinking and she “got raped”.

It is like they didn’t believe me.

What, I can’t drink in my own home and go to sleep in my own bed without being raped?

I am so outraged!

I want so bad to name my rapist!! He needs to be brought to justice!

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Coping With Rape; I Just Don’t Understand How I Am Supposed To Do This

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I research the topic of rape every day of the week. I do this because I am looking for many things; answers, help, blog post ideas, etc.

One thing I have been researching a lot lately is how to cope with being raped. I still do not understand how anyone is capable of this (but I know that so many are stronger than me and have been successful at this). It is like I am looking for the secret.

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Every article I read says the same things: Seek counseling, talk about it with trusted family and friends; know that it is not your fault; realize that the perpetrator should be the one who feels guilty not you…..etc…

 

I have been actively doing everything these articles say, reaching out, seeking help, but to no avail. Coping does not seem to be in the cards for me. I wake up every single night sweating from nightmares, except for one…ONE night recently. I have flashbacks, I am scared, jumpy, depressed, emotional. I will be ok one minute and the next minute I feel like I am about to cry and loose it because memories come flooding back at random times. How long does this go on for? I just want my life back! I was so happy, and now I don’t like who I am. I am exhausted, I hardly eat, sleep, I feel like I am barley surviving. And for once, it doesn’t seem to matter how much research I do, I cannot find an answer or solution.

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Feel Like I’m Starting To Loose The Will To Live

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I  feel so defeated, so anxious,  stressed,  fearful and…I don’t even know.  I  also feel like my job of four years is in jeopardy.

I’ve always been a smart and successful person who never gives up! This is not me now. I don’t know who this is,  and I fear that I will never know that women again.

I  can feel it, deep down,  despite my family and friends who love me. Despite my dog’s who love and need me, I  feel that I am slipping away.  I’m afraid that my strength is running out. I  don’t want to leave my loved ones behind,  but the truth draws closer,  a person can only take so much,  and I am barely hanging on by a  single thread.

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