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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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Being Raped Has Ruined My Life – I Live In A Constant State Of FEAR

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Being raped is on of the worst experiences that a person can live through.  The aftermath of rape is equally as terrible. As if being raped isn’t bad enough,  the trauma from that event, the memories,  the scars….they last forever.

It is bad enough that I am TERRIFIED to leave my house,  or work once I arrive there safely.  This is my everyday reality.images (2)

My roommate left a few days ago,  and he won’t be back till next week.  I am petrified.  To the point where I sleep with a kitchen knife under my pillow.

It is completely unfair. My rapist lives his live unaccountable for his actions, untouched, unharmed, hell, I would not even be surprised if he jerks off to that morning and what he did to me. And I, am cursed to continue to live with flashbacks, nightmares, fear, visions, the inability to concentrate, sleep and eat.

I live every day of my life in fear, to the point where on most day’s, at least once, I become so overwhelmed with fear that I start to shake uncontrollably, and most day’s this happens more than once.

Rape has ruined my life…

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How I Feel After Being Raped; The ABC’s

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Awful

Broken

Choked 

Damaged

Emotional 

Fearful 

Guilty 

Hurt

Insignificant 

Jittery 

Kaput

Lost

Mutilated 

Nervous 

Overwhelmed 

Paralyzed 

Queasy

Restless 

Suicidal

Tired 

Undefinable

Violated 

Weak

X – is his name ie THE RAPIST 

Yucky

Zero

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Today Is My Birthday…But It Doesn’t Even Matter

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Today is my 33rd birthday…but it doesn’t even matter…I am not even celebrating. I have no plans, I made no plans. I am broken beyond belief because of what he has done to me. No justice, no responsibility, free to do it again to some other woman. I still can’t sleep, can’t eat, I am anxious all the time, jumpy….what is the point on celebrating this year when I am completely destroyed as a human. I don’t even want to be living most day’s. It is not fair and there is nothing that I can do about it. I am so depressed, exhausted, tired of the nightmares, flashbacks and…just living….there is nothing to celebrate!

 

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Brock Turner Rapist. .. Blaming College “Party Culture”

Full article

http://abcnews.go.com/US/stanford-student-brock-turner-blames-party-culture-sexual/story?id=39702144

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Brock Turner,  typical rapist as displayed in this article.  He blames peer pressure to drink and party culture for making a “bad decision “.

Brock Turner  the rapist – “My poor decision-making and excessive drinking hurt someone that night, and I wish I could just take it all back”

Rapists never admit blame, it is always something or someone else.

It makes me laugh but also furious how he says that he made a “bad decision ” due to drinking.  No…no,no,no!!!! A bad decision would be drinking too much and puking all over your friends apartment,  or getting into a ridiculous argument with a good friend where you said some awful things that you didn’t mean, or  partying so hard that you miss a midterm /final. Those are bad decisions.  Raping an unconscious person behind a dumpster  (mind you,  there were two actual physical eyewitnesses who caught this creep in the act) does not qualify as a “bad decision “.

Here is where we see Brock Turner the rapist trying to plea with anyone who will listen that he is the victim here. That is the bottom line.

Brock Turner the rapist – “I want to take what I can from who I was before this situation happened and use it to the best of my abilities moving forward. I know I can show people who were like me the dangers of assuming what college life can be like without thinking about the consequences one would potentially have to make if one were to make the same decisions that I made”

Oh, and check out this gem that I found posted by Brock the rapist himself….

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I encourage you to read the full article,  it is just. …I don’t even have words!

Brock Turner the rapist – “There isn’t a second that has gone by where I haven’t regretted the course of events I took on January 17th/18th. My shell and core of who I am as a person is forever broken from this. I am a changed person. At this point in my life, I never want to have a drop of alcohol again. I never want to attend a social gathering that involves alcohol or any situation where people make decisions based on the substances they have consumed. I never want to experience being in a position where it will have a negative impact on my life or someone else’s ever again”

And the young woman addressed this in her letter to him;

Victim – “If you are hoping that one of my organs will implode from anger and I will die, I’m almost there. You are very close,” her letter reads in part. “This is not a story of another drunk college hook-up with poor decision-making. Assault is not an accident. Somehow, you still don’t get it. Somehow, you still sound confused”

Changes need to be made, Brock Turner is not a “nice guy” he is a rapist…period, the reinforcement of rape culture needs to end!

10waysnottorape

Can’t Even Describe How I Am Feeling

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I know that it has been a long time since I have posted, and that I have not been posting daily as per usual.

I have been in such a dark dark place. It has been just about 4 months since heimages (1) raped me. My dreams, flashbacks, sleeping issues, concentration, eating issues, etc. are really not improving much at all. I am beyond exhausted, physically, mentally and spiritually.  Feeling like this is new to me (I am not speaking to feeling like being raped…or I suppose maybe in a way I am). By nature I am a happy positive person. In my life, I have dealt with many downs, some very dark and very bad (like everyone). That being said, I have always had the ability to bounce back quickly, see the positive, and not live in despair. I am(or should I say WAS)  like that annoying stereotypical happy person that pessimists and people who are in a bad or fair mood detest…lol.

I don’t know how to deal with all that I am feeling, and in certain cases, what I am not feelintumblr_myw1514Y3s1t5u7l9o1_500g. I don’t know how to focus like this, I don’t know how to stop the nightmares, the flashbacks, the looking over my shoulder, the always being jumpy. I am sinking deeper and deeper into sadness, despair, confusion, and un-expressible emotions. I have never in my life ever been like this and it scares me. If there is one thing I know, it is self expression and communication. This is uncharted territory.

 

I have not been able to take pleasure in things that I like since February, and now, I can’t even bring myself to blog. Blogging has been my outlet. I am very concerned about what is happening with me. I am, have been and am continuing to seek help, but nothing seems to be improving. I am anxious about what the upcoming months are going to bring.note_to_myself_i_miss_you_by_velvetlusia

I just really feel that I am broken and damaged beyond repair right now.

After Being Raped; I Don’t Think I Will Ever Heal

Trigger warning : graphic images

I chose to make this a visual post.  I have no problem expressing myself with words,  but sometimes,  visual depictions do what word’s cannot.

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Coping With Rape; I Just Don’t Understand How I Am Supposed To Do This

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I research the topic of rape every day of the week. I do this because I am looking for many things; answers, help, blog post ideas, etc.

One thing I have been researching a lot lately is how to cope with being raped. I still do not understand how anyone is capable of this (but I know that so many are stronger than me and have been successful at this). It is like I am looking for the secret.

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Every article I read says the same things: Seek counseling, talk about it with trusted family and friends; know that it is not your fault; realize that the perpetrator should be the one who feels guilty not you…..etc…

 

I have been actively doing everything these articles say, reaching out, seeking help, but to no avail. Coping does not seem to be in the cards for me. I wake up every single night sweating from nightmares, except for one…ONE night recently. I have flashbacks, I am scared, jumpy, depressed, emotional. I will be ok one minute and the next minute I feel like I am about to cry and loose it because memories come flooding back at random times. How long does this go on for? I just want my life back! I was so happy, and now I don’t like who I am. I am exhausted, I hardly eat, sleep, I feel like I am barley surviving. And for once, it doesn’t seem to matter how much research I do, I cannot find an answer or solution.

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Almost Gone

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Smile so bright and eyes so blue
On the outside she looks happy but no one knew

Inside she was numb and subdue
Defeated the encompassing afflictions that ail her Beyond her control
Blackness and decay she feels in the depths of he soul

But no one will know
She hides behind her lively smile
And big doe eyes
No one understands that she is projecting lies
Strength and aspiration dissolved
Transposed to decay, desolation, and despair

She doesn’t crave death
For she perished long ago.

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Feel Like I’m Starting To Loose The Will To Live

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I  feel so defeated, so anxious,  stressed,  fearful and…I don’t even know.  I  also feel like my job of four years is in jeopardy.

I’ve always been a smart and successful person who never gives up! This is not me now. I don’t know who this is,  and I fear that I will never know that women again.

I  can feel it, deep down,  despite my family and friends who love me. Despite my dog’s who love and need me, I  feel that I am slipping away.  I’m afraid that my strength is running out. I  don’t want to leave my loved ones behind,  but the truth draws closer,  a person can only take so much,  and I am barely hanging on by a  single thread.

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Full Of Regret, Guilt and Shame; Can’t Move On

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I am having such a hard time functioning as a human being right now! I am so full of regret and guilt! I wish that I did something to stop him from raping me, anything! At the very least, I wish that I was not to scared or shocked to  call 911 after it happened that morning, or that I didn’t go to the emergency room. If I called 911, or went to the ER, maybe things would be different. Maybe it would have been enough to get him arrested and put on trial.

This is something that I think about every day. How am I supposed to move on without justice, I am I supposed to let this go? He RAPED ME. He took away something so deep inside me. I am not myself, and I don’t think that I will ever be whole again. This crime, it is the worst crime that a person can commit, I think worse than murder, becauseimages (11)se my soul died that day, yet I have to walk this earth every day in despair with horrible thoughts, feelings, flashbacks and memories that I don’t know how I will ever erase.  I am tormented every day, and the thought that he gets to walk around free, not having to admit what he did, no repercussions, a clean record, with the ability to do this to someone else makes me sick. I am I supposed to have hope when the justice system has failed me, much like it fails most rape victims. I don’t see how it is possible. At least if I had the courage to do something that day, maybe the outcome would have been different, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way, maybe I would start my journey of hope. I just don’t see how that is even possible at this point.

I keep having flashbacks about his “defense” in the courtroom when we had the hearing to extend the restraining order. He said that we had a one day relationship. I felt so sick when I heard that, I almost vomited all over the courtroom and cried, but I kept my composure. This….disgusting excuse for a human…this is what he said?!?! I have never even flirted with him in the pa97st, nor have I ever kissed him, or ever gave him a verbal inclination that I was ever interested in him. The thing that kills me is that I told him that…THAT NIGHT, that I would never sleep with him..ever! Those were my words! I was in shock and horror that morning when I woke up with no underwear on, to him fucking me! It was like I left my body, so surreal. I was scared, intimidated, and disturbed. I just, froze, I have never felt like that. And I was still so drunk! I just wish so much that I could go back and do things differently. And, I wish that some type of justice would be served!

I am broken, and I feel that I might be broken beyond repair. Nothing is helping me. I am seeking help, but nothing works. I am so overwhelmed with anguish that I just can bear it.

 

So Scared

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I know that I cannot control the universe,  but seriously,  I have been dealt such a bad hand.

I’m running out of time and options to find a roommate to fill my apartment,  and my rapist refuses to pay rent even though he is still on the lease.

My rental history is perfect.  While I would love for him to have an eviction on his record,  I cannot afford to have one on mine. This isn’t fair,  it isn’t just!

I have about two weeks to secure a roommate,  or else I am basically homeless!  I have been endlessly searching for a roommate since March 1st, to no avail.  I am so scared,  I am running out of options.  I feel hopeless,  and if I can’t secure one, I am going to end up on the streets.

I not only don’t have the funds to move, but even if I could create them,  finding an apartment with two dog’s is so hard,  and the outlook is not good.

If I don’t find a roommate, I will not be able to go on anymore. ..

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Tortured Mind

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This tortured mind of mine won’t rest

Anxiety, depression, thoughts of terror possessed

Repulsive memories flash through my mind

In bits and pieces discombobulated and intertwined.

Day’s are dark,  and night grow blacker with each sleep,  leaving me breathless, restless, petrified and fatigued.

With each passing night the nightmares take fight

And every passing day,  the flashbacks come out to play

There is no end in sight to this tournaments ignite

Each breath that I take, and blink that I make I wish for abrogation!

Alas, forlorn my hopes and efforts

As tortured mind, a tortured being, a toured soul, attains no rest

 

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Rape Destroys Lives

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Today,  I spent the majority of the afternoon researching this topic to write a post about how rape destroys the lives of the victim and their families and friends.  Well, I was in for a shock when I saw what that search result yielded! 

That did lead me to a whole other set of research and a different topic of discussion,  but I became so upset,  so sad, angry,  depressed. ..you name it,  I felt it!

At first I was not going to write at all today,  but then I decided to stick with my original idea. . RAPE RUINS LIVES

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As of right now,  yes, my life is in shambles.  This rape has effected every relationship that I have,  it has effected my work,  my sleep,  my eating,  my self worth,  my view of my image,  my sanity.

Every day is a nightmare !  Some day’s might have some small happy moments sprinkled in that last for images (34)a very short time,  but each and every day, whether I am awake or asleep is a nightmare.I’m afraid to sleep because of the nightmares I get, I am afraid to be awake because of the thoughts,  visions,  flashbacks,  jumpiness,  anxiety,  and constantly looking over my shoulder. I am devised that I can’t get justice,  like so many others,  and my rapist walks around free to do the exact same thing to someone else,  living his life like nothing happened.  I  wouldn’t even be surprised if he goes home at night and jerks off to his crime!

When is it going to end? How many more victims do there have to be before things change?  Before society changes? I  ask myself this question many times a day.

How many more?  How many more?  How many more?  How many morimages (33)e?  This plays over and over again in my head on repeat!

I am fighting.  Doing everything I can.  Reaching out to advocates,  lawyer’s,  Senator’s,  but it is an up hill battle.  It’s like there is justice for victims,  and the law and society is so
concerned about protecting rapists!

Of all the people who I told that I was raped,  and they replied to me saying that they had also been raped,  all of their rapists never got to trial or anything!  (Accept one, the verdict is still out on that friend, the evidence is still being collected.  I think about this friend every day and I hope. …I hope so much that their rapist is tried,  convicted,  and put away!)

Victims matter!  We matter way more than the monsters who rape us!

How many more?

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Stigma Hurts

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I have never felt rape stigma so bad as I do now, trying to find a new roommate! I have been looking for a roommate since March 1st. It has not been an easy task. With the people that have ended up coming to see my apartment, and the people that I do like and could see myself living with, I keep running into the same issue for the most part. Not all cases, but 99% of them. They meet me, they like me, they like the place, the price, location, etc. Then they ask why the previous roommate left….What the hell am I supposed to say?!?!?!?! I am the honest type, I am not going to lie or deceive anyone no matter what the cost. images (6)

This is how it goes; Prospective – “Why did your roommate leave?” Me-  “He was removed by the court” Prospective – “Why? What did he do??” Me- Umm…. He raped me” Prospective – “crickets” — no they say, “I am so sorry, that is terrible…blah blah balhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!” Then I never hear from them again! Female, Male, Gay, Straight, Bi…it is all the same. What is this?!?! I don’t get it? Am I supposed to lie? I don’t think so! Are they passing judgement on me? Were they just playing me all along and pretending that they loved the place and wanted to fill out an application….wasting my time and theirs??? I am sensing a pattern, and I have learned the hard way to trust my gut, and my gut says that is directly has to do with telling these people that I was raped by my former roommate. Now what the hell am I supposed to do to overcome this? Not only do I need a new roommate asap….It has to be the right roommate for me, I am not letting anyone just move on up in here. images (4) I just feel so defeated, and I don’t  know. I have never been raped before…let alone by a roommate! I don’t know how to handle this, I don’t know how to proceed! I don’t know what or when to tell people, so I only tell when asked. So why are people so ridiculous when they find out that I have been raped? I have had roommates for years, many many years, and have never ever had a hard time finding replacements or new roommates. What gives? It’s like The havoc that this rapist has reaped on my life is endless and continues to grow every single day! When is it going to end! I mean sure, most things happen for a reason, so clearly none of these prospective people are for me in regards to roommates, but I am reaching the the end here. Rapist who is still on the lease will not pay, I am running out of time and resources to get someone in here. I am just at such a loss!

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The Frustration Continues

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The rapist that I formally lived with is still on my lease. I have had no luck so far in finding a new roommate (it must just be the time of year, as I have never had such a hard time before). I (we, but I got his too) have been served a 10 day notice to quit for the unpaid rent of the rapist for the month of April. March was taken care of by his last month’s rent that he gave upfront. He has stated to my landlord that “Since he is not living at the residence, he do not feel that he need’s to pay).

Well, that is not the way the law works! He is still responsible for rent, and so am I. Unfortunately, if the amount is not paid, the eviction process will start, and if evicted, that will effect us both. I want to stay here, so I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t. I have a flawless rental record that I do not want destroyed because of him, but I dimages (2)o not have the money to pay the entire rent. I plan on taking him to court to get all the money, this month and any other months that there might be with no one living here, but that is going to take time. I don’t know what I am going to do?! I also plan to take him to civil court for the rape. He should be held accountable for his actions, and I feel like I am never going to be able to move on until that happens, even if it isn’t criminal, at least it is something and I am not just sitting here letting him get away with rape. His actions are repulsive! Now I am under additional stress financially because of him. He says that this is not “fair” about having to pay rent. Well, it isn’t fair that he raped me. He signed the lease, he is on it until he is removed. Again, this is him avoiding responsibility for his actions. This is what all rapists do! It needs to stop! How know’s how many other women he has done this to, and if he isn’t stopped or deterred in some manner, who knows how many will be next?

I am so depressed, frustrated, and some days I feel like giving up. But then I remind myself that I can’t. I can’t for me, I can’t for his most likely past victims, and I really can’t for his potential future victims. I don’t believe that people who rape only do it once. Sure, maybe it has happened in a very few cases, but in general, these disgusting individuals are repeat offenders. And they are going to do it again. I mean, this disgusting excuse for a human groomed me all night! This was surely not his first offence.

I really hope things start to turn around soon. It is like he keeps coming out on top and I keep coming out on the bottom. Why does the rapist always seem to win?

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Is It Bad I Would Rather Have Dreams About This?

So I was scrolling through FB, and my lil pups were begging for attention. I happen to stop scrolling and this picture of a beautiful woman holding flowers  posted by “Buckle Up Bitches” was what was visible, the words in the post were “sleep tight”.

As you will will notice there is a delay in what happens to the picture, I must have looked away seconds before it changed to give my two fur-balls some love. When the screen eventually caught my eye….it was mid the part of the picture that had “changed”….horrifying! I mean, number one, you are not expecting it, and number tow, I like terrifying disturbing things (like/don’t like but am drawn to them). The more you watch and analyze it, the more disturbing it becomes! Definitely something to give me or a lot of people nightmares.

That being said, I would rather have this image flash through my head on a daily basis, and have it’s face haunt my dreams every night than what currently does….the face of my rapist.

 

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