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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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enough is enough

Rape

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rape1

noun

1.

unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.

This is the definition of RAPE

“with or without force”
“without consent of the victim”
So…then why is our justice system so unresponsive and unwilling to prosecute perpetrators of this heinous crime?!?!
Worldwide – THIS IS A HUGE PROBLEM!
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Types Of Rapists; Knowledge Is Power

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Until the criminal justice system decides to make some changes,  and actually make the consequences for raping someone more strict, people are going to continue to rape because they know that they will most likely get away with it .

This article talks talks about the types of rapists,  their mo, and what you could do (god forbid ) if you find yourself in this awful situation .

I per think that people need to be taught not to rape,  and that they should be held accountable to the fullest,  but in the meantime,  I thought this would be good to share,  it is something that I Def wish I knew prior to my rape.

http://faculty.csbsju.edu/uspp/crimpsych/CPSG-5.htm

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Almost Gone

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Smile so bright and eyes so blue
On the outside she looks happy but no one knew

Inside she was numb and subdue
Defeated the encompassing afflictions that ail her Beyond her control
Blackness and decay she feels in the depths of he soul

But no one will know
She hides behind her lively smile
And big doe eyes
No one understands that she is projecting lies
Strength and aspiration dissolved
Transposed to decay, desolation, and despair

She doesn’t crave death
For she perished long ago.

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How I Feel After Being Raped; Three Months Later

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Dirty

Scared

Terrified

Lost

Not myself

Anxious

Depressed

Gross

Awful

Terrible

Alone

Ashamed

Victim

Disgrace

Innocence lost

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Lot’s of Men are Rape Victims Too

[ A New York Times Article]
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/24/health/as-victims-men-struggle-for-rape-awareness.html  

Men Struggle for Rape Awareness

By RONI CARYN RABINJAN. 23, 2012

24RAPE-jumbo

How a Ball Powers a

This ball harnesses energy from play and stores it for later.

ASSAULTED Keith Smith of East Windsor, N.J., was raped when he was a 14-year-old hitchhiker.CreditMichael Nagle for The New York Times

Keith Smith was 14 when he was raped by a driver who picked him up after a hockey team meeting. He had hitchhiked home, which is why, for decades, he continued to blame himself for the assault.

When the driver barreled past Hartley’s Pork Pies on the outskirts of Providence, R.I., where Mr. Smith had asked to be dropped off, and then past a firehouse, he knew something was wrong.

“I tried to open the car door, but he had rigged the lock,” said Mr. Smith, of East Windsor, N.J., now 52. Still, he said, “I had no idea it was going to be a sexual assault.”

Even today, years after the disclosure of the still-unfolding child abuse scandal in the Catholic Church and the arrest of a former Pennsylvania State University assistant football coach accused of sexually abusing boys,rape is widely thought of as a crime against women.

Until just a few weeks ago, when the federal government expanded its definition of rape to include a wider range of sexual assaults, national crime statistics on rape included only assaults against women and girls committed by men under a narrow set of circumstances. Now they will also include male victims.

While most experts agree women are raped far more often than men, 1.4 percent of men in a recent national survey said they had been raped at some point. The study, by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, found that when rape was defined as oral or anal penetration, one in 71 men said they had been raped or had been the target of attempted rape, usually by a man they knew. (The study did not include men in prison.)

And one in 21 said they had been forced to penetrate an acquaintance or a partner, usually a woman; had been the victim of an attempt to force penetration; or had been made to receive oral sex.

Other estimates have run even higher. A Department of Justice report found that 3 percent of men, or one in 33, had been raped. Some experts believe that one in six men have experienced unwanted sexual contact of some kind as minors.

But for many men, the subject is so discomfiting that it is rarely discussed — virtually taboo, experts say, because of societal notions about masculinity and the idea that men are invulnerable and can take care of themselves.

“We have a cultural blind spot about this,” said David Lisak, a clinical psychologist who has done research on interpersonal violence and sexual abuse and is a founding board member of 1in6, an organization that offers information and services to men who had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences as children.

“We recognize that male children are being abused,” Dr. Lisak said, “but then when boys cross some kind of threshold somewhere in adolescence and become what we perceive to be men, we no longer want to think about it in this way.”

Even when high-profile cases dominate the news, said Mai Fernandez, executive director of the National Center for Victims of Crime advocacy organization in Washington, “attention goes to the things we feel more comfortable talking about — such as whether Penn State had done enough, and what will happen to their football program — and not to the question, ‘What do we do to prevent boys from being sexually assaulted?’ ”

In an interview with The Washington Post this month, Joe Paterno, the Penn State football coach who was fired after the abuse scandal erupted and who died of lung cancer on Sunday, said that when an assistant had told him about witnessing an inappropriate encounter between a young boy and Jerry Sandusky, the former assistant coach who is facing charges of sexual abuse, he had been confused and unsure how to proceed. Mr. Paterno said the assistant “didn’t want to get specific. And to be frank with you, I don’t know that it would have done any good, because I never heard of, of rape and a man.”

Much of the research on the sexual assault of men has focused on prisons. But men are also raped outside of prison, usually by people they know, including acquaintances and intimate partners, but occasionally by complete strangers. They are raped as part of violent, drunken or drug-induced assaults; war crimes; interrogations; antigay bias crimes; and hazing rites for male clubs and organizations, like fraternities, and in the military.

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NIGHTMARES Keith Smith “was waking up screaming” for years after his rape, he said.CreditMichael Nagle for The New York Times

In one study of 3,337 military veterans applying for disability benefits forpost-traumatic stress disorder, 6.5 percent of male combat veterans and 16.5 percent of noncombat veterans reported either in-service or post-service sexual assault. (The rates were far higher for female veterans, 69.0 percent and 86.6 percent respectively.)

A Pentagon report released on Thursday found a 64 percent increase in sexual crimes in the Army since 2006, with rape, sexual assault and forcible sodomy the most frequent violent sex crimes committed last year; 95 percent of all victims were women.

Some studies have reported that the risk of rape is greatest for men who are young, are living in poverty or homeless, or are disabled or mentally ill. The C.D.C. study found that one-quarter of men who had been raped were assaulted before they were 10 , usually by someone they knew.

And young men raised by poor single mothers are especially vulnerable to male predators, said Dr. Zane Gates, an internist who cares for low-income patients on Medicaid at a community health center in Altoona, Pa.

“You’re looking for a male figure in your life desperately, and you’ll give anything for that,” he said.

Eugene Porter, a therapist in Oakland, Calif., and the author of the book “Treating the Young Male Victim of Sexual Assault,” said that while some assailants seek power and dominance, others “find that aggression enhances their sexual experience.”

“There is no arena in which rape takes place between men and women that it does not take place between men and men,” he said.

Like women, men who are raped feel violated and ashamed and may become severely depressed or suicidal. They are at increased risk forsubstance abuse, problems with interpersonal relationships, physical impairments, chronic pain, insomnia and other health problems.

But men also face a challenge to their sense of masculinity. Many feel they should have done more to fight off their attackers. Since they may believe that men are never raped, they may feel isolated and reluctant to confide in anyone. Male rape victims may become confused about their sexual orientation or, if gay and raped by a man, blame their sexual orientation for the rape.

“If you’re sexually assaulted, there’s this idea that you’re no longer a man,” said Neil Irvin, executive director of the organization Men Can Stop Rape. “The violence is ignored, and your sexual orientation and gender are confronted.”

Many rape crisis centers — which often also provide services for victims of domestic violence — do not have the resources to counsel male victims. Remarkably few male victims seek professional help for injuries, screening for sexually transmitted diseases or counseling after an attack, often waiting years or decades.

One study of 705 men in Virginia found that 91, or 13 percent, had been sexually assaulted, a vast majority of them before they turned 18. Fewer than one-fifth of victims had ever received professional services related to the assault.

“Men are affected — they have high rates of P.T.S.D. and depression — but the majority don’t get help,” said Dr. Saba W. Masho, the lead author of the Virginia study and an associate professor of epidemiology and community health at Virginia Commonwealth University. “It’s easy for you and I to talk about it, but when you put yourself in that victim’s shoes, they’re asking, ‘Do I want people to know? How do I seek help? Do I want my doctor to know? Where do I go?’ ”

Mr. Smith told his older brother and father about what had happened as soon as he got home, and the three went to the police to file a report. Mr. Smith had memorized the license plate number of the car, and the owner, who was known to the police because of a conviction for distributing pornography, was arrested. He was killed on the streets of Providence before he could stand trial.

Today, Mr. Smith is a member of the speakers bureau for Rainn, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, which provides online counseling for victims. For years, he said, he suffered from nightmares in which he was fleeing his assailant’s car, scared that the man, who had handed him $10 and dropped him off almost three hours after picking him up, was coming back.

“I was waking up screaming,” he said.


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These 4 Questions Got 120 Men To Admit To Rape

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When I reported my rape, the detectives did not even question my rapist! While attempting to research what the reason is that they would not do that, I came across the article below:

http://www.upworthy.com/whoa-4-questions-that-got-120-rapists-to-admit-they-were-rapists-5

It poses these four exact questions  for the study that was conducted;

***The exact questions asked in the study were:

  1. Have you ever been in a situation where you tried, but for various reasons did not succeed, in having sexual intercourse with an adult by using or threatening to use physical force (twisting their arm, holding them down, etc.) if they did not cooperate?
  2. Have you ever had sexual intercourse with someone, even though they did not want to, because they were too intoxicated (on alcohol or drugs) to resist your sexual advances (e.g., removing their clothes)?
  3. Have you ever had sexual intercourse with an adult when they didn’t want to because you used or threatened to use physical force (twisting their arm; holding them down, etc.) if they didn’t cooperate?
  4. Have you ever had oral sex with an adult when they didn’t want to because you used or threatened to use physical force (twisting their arm; holding them down, etc.) if they didn’t cooperate?

Check out thimagese link. When initially asked to the group of men who all (of course) said that they have never raped anyone ever. But when phrased with those exact words above, 120 of them answered YES.

This is truly appalling to me! When in the hell are things going to change, and what makes people think that they have the right to do any of the things in the above mentioned questions to someone else!?!?!

 

Another article relating to this:

http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2009/11/12/rapists-who-dont-think-theyre-rapists/

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My Rape Dreams Have Gotten Out Of Controle

Since my rape on February 14, 2016, I have been experiencing horrific nightmares! Sometimes they are about him, other times they are are about men that I know raping me, but last night was the most disturbing nightmare that I have ever had in my life!! EVER!

I can still vividly remember every detail, sight, sound, feeling, taste, emotion. Pardon my language, but it was fucking horrifying!! Initially I was going to write in detail about it, but first of all, no one needs to hear about it, two, I am sure that plenty of people have actually been through something like it, for real, thankfully mine was just a dream, although it truly felt real.

To give a very brief summary, it was a kidnapping gang rape. It was like it was actually happening and I could not wake up! I actually had an appointment with my counselor yesterday, yet this nightmare chapped last night, so I didn’t even get to talk with her about it. I know with dreams, usually you tend to forget the details as the day goes on….so not the case here, I could write a full in-depth report on this nightmare. I can still hear the voices, feel being brutalized, taste what I cannot even begin to talk about. It was horrifying and traumatizing.download (3)

I just got off the phone with the rape crisis hotline. She was very helpful and gave me some suggestions to help me sleep tonight (last night. ..I fell asleepwhile trying to finish this post so yeah!). However, my fear is that my subconscious mind is going to pick up where it left off an that scares me.  I am terrified to fall asleep still.

Why do I continue to have dreams like this, and why are they getting progressively worse? I do not understand?

 

Hoping This Leads To Something

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So…I have a friend who is very, very politically connected. Up until this point, I have not discussed my rape with this friend. I guess I didn’t even think about it. I mean, I can’t even tell what day it is most day’s.

It was only a matter of time that this friend would discover my recent traumatic event on their own; with all the posts on FB about trying to raise money for “The Walk for a Change” and the fact that I sometimes share posts from this blog on my FB. I also have a link to my blog on my FB.

The other day my friend sent me a message saying that they were sorry and that they had no idea. We discussed. It felt good to talk with this friend, a very dear friend of my whom I love so much.

Today, I received a  message from this person, saying that they wanted to reach out to someone that they know (political connection) but they wanted to know what city I am currently living in, as this person will want to speak with my Senator. Of course I obliged.

Maybe this is finally something that will take me one step closer towards the direction of justice! Either way, after reading that message I felt so happy. Happy that my friend cares about me (I know that I have seen countless others that do, but just to add), and happy that they are in a position to actually help, and are using that!! I am just so grateful! I feelings I felt were relief, even though nothing has even happen, the fact that something could just gives me great hope, and the determination to keep fighting with my head held high! And at a time like this, hope is really hard to come by.

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Is It Bad I Would Rather Have Dreams About This?

So I was scrolling through FB, and my lil pups were begging for attention. I happen to stop scrolling and this picture of a beautiful woman holding flowers  posted by “Buckle Up Bitches” was what was visible, the words in the post were “sleep tight”.

As you will will notice there is a delay in what happens to the picture, I must have looked away seconds before it changed to give my two fur-balls some love. When the screen eventually caught my eye….it was mid the part of the picture that had “changed”….horrifying! I mean, number one, you are not expecting it, and number tow, I like terrifying disturbing things (like/don’t like but am drawn to them). The more you watch and analyze it, the more disturbing it becomes! Definitely something to give me or a lot of people nightmares.

That being said, I would rather have this image flash through my head on a daily basis, and have it’s face haunt my dreams every night than what currently does….the face of my rapist.

 

Too Much Focus On “But Are They A Rapist?” And Not Enough On The Victim

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I cannot comprehend the society that we live in! Rape is the only crime where IF……and I mean IF….the victim comes forward and reports it, they are treated like a criminal. They are not taken seriously, and the main focus is “Oh, but were you really raped? What were you wearing, were you drinking, doing drugs, flirting, did you date, did you say no, if you said no, did you fight back, could you have fought back harder, why were you alone at night, why did you get in the car, why were you in that situation to begin with, did you get a rape kit – no – WHY…???…etc.

There is such a heavy focus on protecting rapists and their “character” that police, DA’s friends, family don’t want to get involved .

And people wonder why such a small percentage of rapes are actually reported!

I reported my rape, I worked with detectives, and in less than 24 hours, the detective called me and said that the DA was not going to move forward with my case? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!?!? They didn’t even question my rapist!! I was outraged, I had a breakdown on the phone.

Unless things change, Rapists are going to continue to rape at the already alarming rate that they do. Why – because they know that the chances of getting caught, or in trouble are slim to none! This IS RAPE CULTURE.

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I am so fed up with reading about how rape culture does not exist. Look at the facts, look at the statistics. As long as the chances of serious consequences are extremely low, it enforces that society does not take rape seriously. People turn a blind eye and until that changes, society is reinforcing that rape is acceptable.

Hardly any rape victims who come forward and seek justice actually get it, me included. Times that by how many rapists there are out there. Now come on, do you seriously think that one person rapes another person just once and never again?!? I am sure that it is happened, but realistically, I don’t believe that is the case with 99.9% of people who have committed the heinous crime of rape.

I don’t want to be apart of a world that reinforces rape, protects rapists, and condemns victims, what kind of world do you want to live in?

And I know that my pictures with the statistics are US statistics, but the reality that rape culture and the reinforcement of it is displayed all over the WORLD!

rape culture

 

If You Are Drunk, & Didn’t Give Prior Consent. …it’s RAPE

rape-time-to-stop

I still struggle with my rape every day.  Yes, I was drunk when he raped me.  Actually,  I was passed out and woke up to him on top and inside me. Bottom line. …I DID NOT GIVE CONSENT!

As a matter of fact, earlier on, before I was wasted,  I specifically told him that I would never sleep with him.

I read this article;

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/6810428/Drunk-women-are-not-fair-game-for-sex-says-rape-review-peer-Baroness-Stern.html

It definitely highlights the fact that just because a person is drunk,  does not mean that you have a pass to have sex with them. It also highlights that law enforcement does not take drunk rape victims seriously.

 

THE WORLD NEEDS A CHANGE

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