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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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When Is The Justice System Going To Finally Stand Up For Rape Victims?

SystemFailsSurvivors

When is the justice system going to start speaking up for survivors? !?!

Yes, there are a lot of great rape cases with strong evidence where the victim is too afraid / traumatized or any other of a million other reasons why they don’t want to persue a criminal case. BUT. ..what about the MAJORITY of rape victims,  which the District attorney office constantly refuses to press charges for, despite the victim’s dire want for justice?  Those  (I am am one of them )…those victims /survivors are unfortunately the majority of society.

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When are the district attorney offices going to stand against the beliefs of rape culture and society,  and attempt to gain justice for rape victims?

How are rape laws supposed to change if DA’S don’t persue the “tough cases”. The more “tough cases” they try, eventually,  the more they will win.  This will perpetuate more case law regarding rape,  thus leading to more and more “tough case ” convictions  (eventually. ..obviously it is going to be a struggle and a slow process,  but it MUST start somewhere )

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The way it stands currently,  no one is looking out for victims.  And victim advocates have EXTREMELY limated resources,  connections,  and are honestly not taken seriously.  In my personal opinion,  agencies only deal with them to  “look like they are concerned ” when in reality,  they are not.

It is high time for a change in the justice systems and in the sexual assault units. …when….when are rape victims going to be taken seriously?

horvath

Rape, Boston Massachusetts, & A DCF Employee

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I was raped in February by my former roommate.  He started a new job at the Department of Children and Families two days after he raped me.  So yes…he clearly passed the background check.

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My restraining order has recently been extended for two years  (the judge hardly batted an eye while granting it) and amended the order to keep the rapist away from my place of employment.

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I told the detective that the rapist worked for DCF. Additionally,  I recently had a  meeting with the DA’s office.  I  spoke with an ADA about a lot of things.  About how my rapist was never questioned or asked to give a statement when I filed a police report.  I also told the ADA thatthe rapist works for DCF. The ADA did not appear concerned at all. This is appalling and frightening to me. This rapist, this dispicable excuse for a person works for an agency who deals with a vulnerable population.  He either has direct access to the vulnerable population,  or access to their personal information.  They are NOT SAFE with him being an emphasis of DCF. Apparently,  the Suffolk County Justice System doesn’t seem to care.

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RAPE: I Don’t Know How Much More Of This I Can Take

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I am feeling the end of my breaking point!  The DA won’t charge my rapist, he wasn’t even questioned,  nor was there even an an attempt made to get a statement from him.

 

During the restraining order extention hearings  (two of them ) his story changed,  mine has never changed .

I am not willing to give up yet,  but I don’t know how much more that I can take.  I have no doubt in my mind that he will rape again  (he probably has raped before ). I  don’t want to loose hope,  but he has already taken so much away from me,  I just don’t know know how much more of this I can bare.

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I Came Forward, I Want To Press Charges & The DA Won’t Do Anything

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I was raped by my former roommate on February 14th 2016. I filed a police report.  Within less than 48 hours I was told that the DA would not be moving forward with the case.

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In fact,  I met with the DA this past Tuesday,  and it was confirmed that there was not even an attempt made to get a statement from my rapist.

 

Two weeks ago,  a judge granted a two year restraining order extention against my rapist because  (judges words) “My story was credible”. In fact,  on record and under oath,  the story of my rapist changed”.

I am just outraged.  I have no doubt in my mind that this dirt bag will do this again to someone.  And…..and, he works for the Department of children and families in Massachusetts!  His first day was 2 day’s after he raped me,  so he passed the background check.  When I told this to the DA, he was not concerned.

I refuse to give up, because I KNOW that this rapist knew EXACTLY what he was doing,  and I have  NO doubt in my mind that he will do it again. IF I had even the slightest bit of doubt,  even just a hair…I would drop it. But I don’t.

He didn’t accept no for an answer,  so why should I.  I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that he can’t do this to anyone else EVER AGAIN!

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Being Raped Has Ruined My Life – I Live In A Constant State Of FEAR

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Being raped is on of the worst experiences that a person can live through.  The aftermath of rape is equally as terrible. As if being raped isn’t bad enough,  the trauma from that event, the memories,  the scars….they last forever.

It is bad enough that I am TERRIFIED to leave my house,  or work once I arrive there safely.  This is my everyday reality.images (2)

My roommate left a few days ago,  and he won’t be back till next week.  I am petrified.  To the point where I sleep with a kitchen knife under my pillow.

It is completely unfair. My rapist lives his live unaccountable for his actions, untouched, unharmed, hell, I would not even be surprised if he jerks off to that morning and what he did to me. And I, am cursed to continue to live with flashbacks, nightmares, fear, visions, the inability to concentrate, sleep and eat.

I live every day of my life in fear, to the point where on most day’s, at least once, I become so overwhelmed with fear that I start to shake uncontrollably, and most day’s this happens more than once.

Rape has ruined my life…

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Rape

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rape1

noun

1.

unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.

This is the definition of RAPE

“with or without force”
“without consent of the victim”
So…then why is our justice system so unresponsive and unwilling to prosecute perpetrators of this heinous crime?!?!
Worldwide – THIS IS A HUGE PROBLEM!
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I’m Never Going To Be Ok…Can’t Believe This Happened Today

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Today started off wonderful.  It is sunny and warm.  I was actually happy this morning  (which is very very rare these days ). Around 11:30 I left the office to run to the grocery store to grab something for lunch, and a coupleof other things.

I was almost at the store when walking down the street,  in my direction, was my rapist.  He was with a friend.  The rapist was wearing a light blue polo shirt and sunglasses  (or it was his transition lenses) They were walking, talking, and he was smiling.  I was completely horrified and caught off guard.  Yes, we both work in Boston,  but he doesn’t exactly work near me. I  rushed into the store, then paused to make sure that they were not coming in.

They didn’t. At that point I began to shake, my eyes filled with tears.  I  couldn’t even remember what I was there for. I quickly walked around the store,  grabbed a few things and cautiously and anxiously walked back to the office. I  went to the bathroom and started to cry, and then I began violently shaking. I tried to pull myself together enough to get out of the bathroom before someone walked in.  When I was out of the bathroom, I walked be a coworker  and she asked me if I was ok. I just nodded and kept walking.

One coworker and one boss know what happened to me,  so I grabbed my coworker and told her,  I could hardly get the words out. She took me into a conference room and I just broke down. It was awful.  We talked and she asked me if I wanted her to get my boss,  so I said yes. When my boss came in I was crying and shaking.  We talked,  she also suggested that I call the hotline  (BARCC rape crisis) so I did. I ended up having to leave the office.  I was too scared to take the T, so I called an uber.

I’m so … I don’t even have the words to describe it.  I don’t feel safe,  I’m scared,  a nervous wreck,  and I see his face every day with flashbacks, and most nights in my nightmares. To see him today,  in person,  going about his happy unaffected life….is just a feeling that I can’t even put into words.

How I Feel After Being Raped; The ABC’s

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Awful

Broken

Choked 

Damaged

Emotional 

Fearful 

Guilty 

Hurt

Insignificant 

Jittery 

Kaput

Lost

Mutilated 

Nervous 

Overwhelmed 

Paralyzed 

Queasy

Restless 

Suicidal

Tired 

Undefinable

Violated 

Weak

X – is his name ie THE RAPIST 

Yucky

Zero

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More Debunked Rape Myth Statements

Brock Turner; Convicted Rapist…Don’t EVER Forget It

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Brock Turner has been convicted of raping an unconscious female behind a dumpster at a frat party. Two fellow male students caught him in the act, chased him down, and held him until police officers arrived on the scene.

Even though Brock Turner was found guilty, he was sentenced to only 6 MONTHS of jail time because it was in the opinion of the judge that, ““A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him. I think he will not be a danger to others.”

Brock Turner’s father want’s people to stop talking about his son being a rapist. He made the statement [in a letter where he was making the argument that his son should receive probation], “His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life”.

Dan Turner (father of Brock Turner) went on to say, “He will never be his happy go lucky self with that easy going personality and welcoming smile”.

Seriously?!?! HIS life will never be the one he dreamed of? HE will never be HIS happy go lucky self? CRY ME A RIVER! He brutally raped a woman, and now just like almost all rapists, he is getting a slap on the wrist with only 6 months of jail time.

The poor victim. At the sentencing, the young woman asked the judge if she could address her attacker, Brock Turner, directly, and read a letter that she wrote. It is heart wrenching. Some things she said were,

 “The next thing I remember I was in a gurney in a hallway. I had dried blood and bandages on the backs of my hands and elbow. I thought maybe I had fallen and was in an admin office on campus. I was very calm and wondering where my sister was. A deputy explained I had been assaulted. I still remained calm, assured he was speaking to the wrong person. I knew no one at this party. When I was finally allowed to use the restroom, I pulled down the hospital pants they had given me, went to pull down my underwear, and felt nothing. I still remember the feeling of my hands touching my skin and grabbing nothing. I looked down and there was nothing. The thin piece of fabric, the only thing between my vagina and anything else, was missing and everything inside me was silenced. I still don’t have words for that feeling. In order to keep breathing, I thought maybe the policemen used scissors to cut them off for evidence.”

On that morning, all that I was told was that I had been found behind a dumpster, potentially penetrated by a stranger, and that I should get retested for HIV because results don’t always show up immediately.

So one year later, as predicted, a new dialogue emerged. Brock had a strange new story, almost sounded like a poorly written young adult novel with kissing and dancing and hand holding and lovingly tumbling onto the ground, and most importantly in this new story, there was suddenly consent. One year after the incident, he remembered, oh yeah, by the way she actually said yes, to everything, so.

Full letter here:

https://www.buzzfeed.com/katiejmbaker/heres-the-powerful-letter-the-stanford-victim-read-to-her-ra?utm_term=.bqRdYBZqr0#.fmjY1r5amy

During an n interview with The Washington Post on 6/6/16 Santa Clara District Attorney Jeff Rosen stated that, “To this day, the defendant denies what he did, Turner “preyed upon” his victim and displayed violence”.

I hope no one ever….ever forgets the name Brock Turner, and the fact that he is a brutal rapist who got off easy. I hope everyone who reads this shares it with someone, or everyone they know so that it will cycle and cycle throughout the media outlets for years to come. So that in the future when others are looking up information, the name “Brock Turner; Rapist” will always and forever be connected as one, identifying him as a rapist for life, because that is what he is, a filthy, disrespectful, depraved, deceitful, and remorseless RAPIST!

 

 

Finally Got The Courage To Get A Copy Of My Police Report

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Since the DA will not prosecute my RAPIST, I have been forced to seek other means of justice. I have been working withe the victim law advocates, and they are trying to find me an attorney who might take my case to civil court. So far I have had no success.

Last night I was doing research for my blog, and I came across a site, and a lawyer who looked liked they might be able to help (maybe). I looked up this lawyer and emailed them. I received a response. This lawyer requested all restraining order documents and police reports.I sent all the restraining order documents, but I still never picked up the police report, I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.

Today I went to pick it up so I can send it to the lawyer tomorrow.

I was furious!! With what I saw in the report….or rather what I did not see!!

#1 – The section with the information about the rapist. I am fairly certain that I told the detectives that he is not a citizen of this country. Even if I am wrong, they know that is information relevant to the report, and they never asked me (but I am fairly certain that I told him…it should be in there!!!!!!!)

#2 – The description of what happened, it was very short, fine, a summary, but no where does it say that I told this asshole that I wold never have sex with him . I explicitly said that to him that night! I told the detectives that more than once! Why in the hell wasn’t it in the report?!?! Especially because the DA decided in the leingtt of less than 48 hours that they were not going to press charges, and the detectives never even questioned the rapist!!!

I feel like these detectives didn’t give a care in the world, and only did this paperwork because they “had to”. Oh, a girl was drinking and she “got raped”.

It is like they didn’t believe me.

What, I can’t drink in my own home and go to sleep in my own bed without being raped?

I am so outraged!

I want so bad to name my rapist!! He needs to be brought to justice!

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Rape Destroys Lives

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Today,  I spent the majority of the afternoon researching this topic to write a post about how rape destroys the lives of the victim and their families and friends.  Well, I was in for a shock when I saw what that search result yielded! 

That did lead me to a whole other set of research and a different topic of discussion,  but I became so upset,  so sad, angry,  depressed. ..you name it,  I felt it!

At first I was not going to write at all today,  but then I decided to stick with my original idea. . RAPE RUINS LIVES

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As of right now,  yes, my life is in shambles.  This rape has effected every relationship that I have,  it has effected my work,  my sleep,  my eating,  my self worth,  my view of my image,  my sanity.

Every day is a nightmare !  Some day’s might have some small happy moments sprinkled in that last for images (34)a very short time,  but each and every day, whether I am awake or asleep is a nightmare.I’m afraid to sleep because of the nightmares I get, I am afraid to be awake because of the thoughts,  visions,  flashbacks,  jumpiness,  anxiety,  and constantly looking over my shoulder. I am devised that I can’t get justice,  like so many others,  and my rapist walks around free to do the exact same thing to someone else,  living his life like nothing happened.  I  wouldn’t even be surprised if he goes home at night and jerks off to his crime!

When is it going to end? How many more victims do there have to be before things change?  Before society changes? I  ask myself this question many times a day.

How many more?  How many more?  How many more?  How many morimages (33)e?  This plays over and over again in my head on repeat!

I am fighting.  Doing everything I can.  Reaching out to advocates,  lawyer’s,  Senator’s,  but it is an up hill battle.  It’s like there is justice for victims,  and the law and society is so
concerned about protecting rapists!

Of all the people who I told that I was raped,  and they replied to me saying that they had also been raped,  all of their rapists never got to trial or anything!  (Accept one, the verdict is still out on that friend, the evidence is still being collected.  I think about this friend every day and I hope. …I hope so much that their rapist is tried,  convicted,  and put away!)

Victims matter!  We matter way more than the monsters who rape us!

How many more?

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The Frustration Continues

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The rapist that I formally lived with is still on my lease. I have had no luck so far in finding a new roommate (it must just be the time of year, as I have never had such a hard time before). I (we, but I got his too) have been served a 10 day notice to quit for the unpaid rent of the rapist for the month of April. March was taken care of by his last month’s rent that he gave upfront. He has stated to my landlord that “Since he is not living at the residence, he do not feel that he need’s to pay).

Well, that is not the way the law works! He is still responsible for rent, and so am I. Unfortunately, if the amount is not paid, the eviction process will start, and if evicted, that will effect us both. I want to stay here, so I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t. I have a flawless rental record that I do not want destroyed because of him, but I dimages (2)o not have the money to pay the entire rent. I plan on taking him to court to get all the money, this month and any other months that there might be with no one living here, but that is going to take time. I don’t know what I am going to do?! I also plan to take him to civil court for the rape. He should be held accountable for his actions, and I feel like I am never going to be able to move on until that happens, even if it isn’t criminal, at least it is something and I am not just sitting here letting him get away with rape. His actions are repulsive! Now I am under additional stress financially because of him. He says that this is not “fair” about having to pay rent. Well, it isn’t fair that he raped me. He signed the lease, he is on it until he is removed. Again, this is him avoiding responsibility for his actions. This is what all rapists do! It needs to stop! How know’s how many other women he has done this to, and if he isn’t stopped or deterred in some manner, who knows how many will be next?

I am so depressed, frustrated, and some days I feel like giving up. But then I remind myself that I can’t. I can’t for me, I can’t for his most likely past victims, and I really can’t for his potential future victims. I don’t believe that people who rape only do it once. Sure, maybe it has happened in a very few cases, but in general, these disgusting individuals are repeat offenders. And they are going to do it again. I mean, this disgusting excuse for a human groomed me all night! This was surely not his first offence.

I really hope things start to turn around soon. It is like he keeps coming out on top and I keep coming out on the bottom. Why does the rapist always seem to win?

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Too Much Focus On “But Are They A Rapist?” And Not Enough On The Victim

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I cannot comprehend the society that we live in! Rape is the only crime where IF……and I mean IF….the victim comes forward and reports it, they are treated like a criminal. They are not taken seriously, and the main focus is “Oh, but were you really raped? What were you wearing, were you drinking, doing drugs, flirting, did you date, did you say no, if you said no, did you fight back, could you have fought back harder, why were you alone at night, why did you get in the car, why were you in that situation to begin with, did you get a rape kit – no – WHY…???…etc.

There is such a heavy focus on protecting rapists and their “character” that police, DA’s friends, family don’t want to get involved .

And people wonder why such a small percentage of rapes are actually reported!

I reported my rape, I worked with detectives, and in less than 24 hours, the detective called me and said that the DA was not going to move forward with my case? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!?!? They didn’t even question my rapist!! I was outraged, I had a breakdown on the phone.

Unless things change, Rapists are going to continue to rape at the already alarming rate that they do. Why – because they know that the chances of getting caught, or in trouble are slim to none! This IS RAPE CULTURE.

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I am so fed up with reading about how rape culture does not exist. Look at the facts, look at the statistics. As long as the chances of serious consequences are extremely low, it enforces that society does not take rape seriously. People turn a blind eye and until that changes, society is reinforcing that rape is acceptable.

Hardly any rape victims who come forward and seek justice actually get it, me included. Times that by how many rapists there are out there. Now come on, do you seriously think that one person rapes another person just once and never again?!? I am sure that it is happened, but realistically, I don’t believe that is the case with 99.9% of people who have committed the heinous crime of rape.

I don’t want to be apart of a world that reinforces rape, protects rapists, and condemns victims, what kind of world do you want to live in?

And I know that my pictures with the statistics are US statistics, but the reality that rape culture and the reinforcement of it is displayed all over the WORLD!

rape culture

 

The Fucking By My Rapist Continues

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You violated my body,  deep down to the depths of my soul.

You didn’t care that I said I would never sleep with you,  how long were you planning this? I don’t know?

You’re mad because the court removed you from the apartment,  and with good reason they had

But guess what buddy,  you are still on the lease,  you are responsible for payment , that is legal, so too bad.

Until I find a roommate,  that responsibility is yours

Whether you find it fair or not , ignored will be your deplores.

And should things go awry, and the landlord decides to vacate

Don’t for a second think that it is only my rental record that is subject to taint

We are both on the lease, so outcome effects us both

Only I get the the shit end of the stick, because of what you did to me, and what I continue to undergo

My life is torn apart, I am broken, tarnished, and on the decline

While you carry on, probably even reminiscing about that morning, jerking off to it, and living the life divine

 

Who Am I

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Who am I?  For this I don’t know anymore.

But I am a woman who refuses to remain silent,  that’s for sure.

I was never one to back down in defeate

But the extent of your all encompassing deceit….

I am powerless to educe justice for the crime that occurred.

And how could I,  when it is word against word.

You had me in your sights all night from the start.

You groomed me all evening,  being sneaky and impart.

What kind of justice system do we have

What type of world do we live in

Where the guilty are immediately viewed uncensurable

And the victim’s indictable

I loose countless hours every day and night over these notions

This is not me, how I am, or how my brain typically functions.

Who am I

Who am I  becoming

Right now I am dark, decaying , drained and drowning

I hope I will evolve to someone more triumphing

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