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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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PTSD

Being Raped Has Ruined My Life – I Live In A Constant State Of FEAR

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Being raped is on of the worst experiences that a person can live through.  The aftermath of rape is equally as terrible. As if being raped isn’t bad enough,  the trauma from that event, the memories,  the scars….they last forever.

It is bad enough that I am TERRIFIED to leave my house,  or work once I arrive there safely.  This is my everyday reality.images (2)

My roommate left a few days ago,  and he won’t be back till next week.  I am petrified.  To the point where I sleep with a kitchen knife under my pillow.

It is completely unfair. My rapist lives his live unaccountable for his actions, untouched, unharmed, hell, I would not even be surprised if he jerks off to that morning and what he did to me. And I, am cursed to continue to live with flashbacks, nightmares, fear, visions, the inability to concentrate, sleep and eat.

I live every day of my life in fear, to the point where on most day’s, at least once, I become so overwhelmed with fear that I start to shake uncontrollably, and most day’s this happens more than once.

Rape has ruined my life…

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I’m Never Going To Be Ok…Can’t Believe This Happened Today

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Today started off wonderful.  It is sunny and warm.  I was actually happy this morning  (which is very very rare these days ). Around 11:30 I left the office to run to the grocery store to grab something for lunch, and a coupleof other things.

I was almost at the store when walking down the street,  in my direction, was my rapist.  He was with a friend.  The rapist was wearing a light blue polo shirt and sunglasses  (or it was his transition lenses) They were walking, talking, and he was smiling.  I was completely horrified and caught off guard.  Yes, we both work in Boston,  but he doesn’t exactly work near me. I  rushed into the store, then paused to make sure that they were not coming in.

They didn’t. At that point I began to shake, my eyes filled with tears.  I  couldn’t even remember what I was there for. I quickly walked around the store,  grabbed a few things and cautiously and anxiously walked back to the office. I  went to the bathroom and started to cry, and then I began violently shaking. I tried to pull myself together enough to get out of the bathroom before someone walked in.  When I was out of the bathroom, I walked be a coworker  and she asked me if I was ok. I just nodded and kept walking.

One coworker and one boss know what happened to me,  so I grabbed my coworker and told her,  I could hardly get the words out. She took me into a conference room and I just broke down. It was awful.  We talked and she asked me if I wanted her to get my boss,  so I said yes. When my boss came in I was crying and shaking.  We talked,  she also suggested that I call the hotline  (BARCC rape crisis) so I did. I ended up having to leave the office.  I was too scared to take the T, so I called an uber.

I’m so … I don’t even have the words to describe it.  I don’t feel safe,  I’m scared,  a nervous wreck,  and I see his face every day with flashbacks, and most nights in my nightmares. To see him today,  in person,  going about his happy unaffected life….is just a feeling that I can’t even put into words.

How I Feel After Being Raped; The ABC’s

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Awful

Broken

Choked 

Damaged

Emotional 

Fearful 

Guilty 

Hurt

Insignificant 

Jittery 

Kaput

Lost

Mutilated 

Nervous 

Overwhelmed 

Paralyzed 

Queasy

Restless 

Suicidal

Tired 

Undefinable

Violated 

Weak

X – is his name ie THE RAPIST 

Yucky

Zero

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Today Is My Birthday…But It Doesn’t Even Matter

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Today is my 33rd birthday…but it doesn’t even matter…I am not even celebrating. I have no plans, I made no plans. I am broken beyond belief because of what he has done to me. No justice, no responsibility, free to do it again to some other woman. I still can’t sleep, can’t eat, I am anxious all the time, jumpy….what is the point on celebrating this year when I am completely destroyed as a human. I don’t even want to be living most day’s. It is not fair and there is nothing that I can do about it. I am so depressed, exhausted, tired of the nightmares, flashbacks and…just living….there is nothing to celebrate!

 

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After Being Raped; I Don’t Think I Will Ever Heal

Trigger warning : graphic images

I chose to make this a visual post.  I have no problem expressing myself with words,  but sometimes,  visual depictions do what word’s cannot.

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Feel Like I’m Starting To Loose The Will To Live

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I  feel so defeated, so anxious,  stressed,  fearful and…I don’t even know.  I  also feel like my job of four years is in jeopardy.

I’ve always been a smart and successful person who never gives up! This is not me now. I don’t know who this is,  and I fear that I will never know that women again.

I  can feel it, deep down,  despite my family and friends who love me. Despite my dog’s who love and need me, I  feel that I am slipping away.  I’m afraid that my strength is running out. I  don’t want to leave my loved ones behind,  but the truth draws closer,  a person can only take so much,  and I am barely hanging on by a  single thread.

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I’m Not Ok

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On the outside I pretended that I am fine.

But inside. … inside I am dying!

Every day is a struggle.  Every night is a nightmare!

I don’t know how much more I can take

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My Rape Dreams Have Gotten Out Of Controle

Since my rape on February 14, 2016, I have been experiencing horrific nightmares! Sometimes they are about him, other times they are are about men that I know raping me, but last night was the most disturbing nightmare that I have ever had in my life!! EVER!

I can still vividly remember every detail, sight, sound, feeling, taste, emotion. Pardon my language, but it was fucking horrifying!! Initially I was going to write in detail about it, but first of all, no one needs to hear about it, two, I am sure that plenty of people have actually been through something like it, for real, thankfully mine was just a dream, although it truly felt real.

To give a very brief summary, it was a kidnapping gang rape. It was like it was actually happening and I could not wake up! I actually had an appointment with my counselor yesterday, yet this nightmare chapped last night, so I didn’t even get to talk with her about it. I know with dreams, usually you tend to forget the details as the day goes on….so not the case here, I could write a full in-depth report on this nightmare. I can still hear the voices, feel being brutalized, taste what I cannot even begin to talk about. It was horrifying and traumatizing.download (3)

I just got off the phone with the rape crisis hotline. She was very helpful and gave me some suggestions to help me sleep tonight (last night. ..I fell asleepwhile trying to finish this post so yeah!). However, my fear is that my subconscious mind is going to pick up where it left off an that scares me.  I am terrified to fall asleep still.

Why do I continue to have dreams like this, and why are they getting progressively worse? I do not understand?

 

I Am Losing It

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I am losing it. I just can’t take it anymore.  I can’t handle it; the sleep deprivation,  flashbacks,  jumpiness, depression,  being fearful every day that I am going to see him. It takes such a toll on me.  I’m literally exhausted!

I’m obsessed.  Obsessed with trying to find a way to bring him to justice.  It has completely consumed me.

I am becoming more jumpy each day. I can’t even count how many times someone came up to me at work today and I jumped clean into the air. It’s embarrassing, frustrating and fills me with anxiety.  And when they ask why, I just in an awkward way tell them that there is a reason,  and thankfully that ends the conversation.

I can’t live like this.  I don’t feel strong, or like a survivor,  or like myself.

I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW

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I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW! I JUST WANT TO SHUT MY BRAIN OFF!!!

I hate what you did to me. I  hate how I feel.  I hate how I can’t sleep.  I hate how I can’t eat.  I hate that I get flashbacks.  And images of your disgusting face in my mind.  I  hate who I have become,  someone I don’t know,  or like, or can even define.

I  was once so viscous, full of life,  complete, and content.  You took that away in a moments notice with no warning or accord.

I can’t concentrate,  I have nightmares,  I am jumpy and on edge.  I’m constantly looking over my shoulder,  I am scared and tormented.

I wish I could just sleep.  Sleep until these feelings go away,  but even sleep is not peaceful,  for forever in my mind you stay.

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Flashbacks…A Good Thing? ??

This article is from http://www.recoveryourlife.com/plugins/p2075_news/printarticle.php?p2075_articleid=1

While some of the information is helpful,  I couldn’t help but become furious when they say that flashbacks are a good sign.  Seriously?  I am a smart, well educated woman, and I highly doubt that the author of this article was ever raped.  If she or he was, …. the English language is comprised of so many words,  they could have chosen more appropriate language that would have conveyed the same message.

Initially I was going to post the entire article,  but I am clearly partial now. I just think that it had so much great and helpful information,  and was ruined by saying flashbacks are good.

Even if they are,  personally, I don’t want to re-live my rape every single day at random times! I don’t find that helpful at all.

Maybe I am being too harsh,  I did post the link because there is some great information there.

And, not all people are the same.  I am sure that there are thousands of survivors that actually need to hear those words.

It is a great article despite my personal one (small ) issue with it.

I would actually love to hear feedback, positive or negative on the article and/or my post.  All comments are welcome and appreciated.

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DEFEATED

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Exhaustion, depression, anxiety,  tribulation, indignation and preoccupation is my current state

For I cower at the thought that I don’t know  how much more my soul can take

Strong, resilient, vivacious I was

Now  transformed into a defeated faux pas

How long will this semblance persist

Every breath I take makes me not want to exist

My body is distressed, it’s toilsome to move

My mind  is wearisome and incompetent, not seeming to improve.

I’m so tired  from insufficient sleep, that if I can’t attain proper slumber,  I fear what will ensue

When will this cease,  when will I ameliorate, when will I no longer be a woman that I hate

 

Sleep Won’t Come

It’s nearly midnight and I should be sleeping

But thoughts of anxiety and anguish penetrate my mind, they are creeping.

As the ebon circles under my eyes grow darker

My cognizance distorts to a despondent state of preoccupancy

Resulting in kaput days that feel long

And  shuddersome causing me to waken in hostility.

As each day my face  grows more pale

My circles more prominent

But sleep won’t come

As I drift off, I’m suddenly roused with sweat and nightmares

My soul feels hopeless

As night turns into day

Now it’s too late

And off to work  I go in my wretched state

No Peace

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It’s almost 11pm. I’m still awake.  I’m exhausted and I can’t turn my mind off. I have to work tomorrow,  but I would rather crawl into a hole and sleep for day’s. …but sleep brings no peace.  For I am ridden with nightmares that keep me awake even when I fall asleep.

 

I  would rather crawl into a hole and die. But then, my two sweet innocent lil dog’s would have no one.  No one to take care of them, no one to love them,  and they will always know that they were abandoned by their mom. I could never do that to them. They are the only two beings on this earth that keep me going,  that make me smile,  and that I love more than anything else in this world.  If it wasn’t for them, I would have left this earth weeks ago.

It’s not fair that my life is in shambles.  That I can barely function.  That my sleep consists of nightmares,  and my day’s consist of flash backs and panic attacks.  And what about him? He lives his life.  Probably going on happy as a god damn clam. Maybe even looking for his next victim. It’s not fair.

I didn’t ask for this!

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This is my Life…

This is my Life…Depression, exhaustion, sleepless nights, miserable morning’s,  long day’s,  no joy, panic attacks,  high anxiety, and no support system. I hate how I feel.

I just want to get back to my normal happy self. The woman who appreciates all that life has to offer.  The person who can seethe good in every bad situation.  But there is nothing good from being raped. ..no good can ever come from that! I don’t know how to get back to good.  I don’t how to be able to sleep at night.  Or how to stop the image’s that pop into my head out of nowhere.  I don’t know how to stop being scared. I hate what I am going through.  I hate what he did to me.  Why did he do it? Why? I’m a good person. No one should ever haveto go through anything like that. ..no one! It’s not fair.

I don’t know how I am going to get through this. ..or if I will get through this.

😢

 

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