How Am I Supposed To Recover?

By: A Survivor Not a Victim
May 4, 2016

I am just at a loss. Every day, every single day of the week, I research ways to cope with and recover from what happened to me. I am seeking counseling; I am fighting; I am sharing my story, and I am doing everything possible! Nothing, and I mean nothing, is helping! I keep searching, reading, and looking for something to help me get back to myself and looking for some magical piece of advice that will work to stop it all! Stop the fear, the anxiety, the restless nights, the loss of appetite, the flashbacks, the worry, the jumpiness, the everything that has been making me not myself since he raped me. But there is nothing out there. I feel like I am never going to be able to get past this. I am in terror – fear and shame every day! I am at my wit’s end! I don’t understand how people move on from this and lead normal lives. What is their secret? I want my life back. I was so happy; my life was not perfect, but I worked so hard to be happy, and I was in such a good place, happy and satisfied with myself.

He took that away! He didn’t just rape my physical body; he raped my soul as well. My entire being is just devastated, angry, a mess, and depressed. I have been through some pretty heavy stuff in my life, including being molested by a relative when I was in middle school, but this – being raped; is by far the worst thing that I have ever been through in my life! EVER! I wish I had done something more. I wish that I could have foreseen it! I wish that I could have stopped him! I wish I hadn’t been scared to go to the ER after it happened! I wish I could get him put away for this before he does it to anyone else! I wish I could just forget! I wish that it never ever happened! I feel like my whole life, my whole being is ruined, and I can’t do anything about it.