By: A Survivor Not a Victim
October 15, 2016
It has been exactly eight months since I was raped (actually eight months yesterday because it is after midnight right now). I’m not doing much better at all; I am still having awful nightmares; they went away for a couple of weeks, but not for long; migraines are in full swing (this one is seven days long!), and I miss so much work because of them. I had stopped blogging because all I think about is rape, and I thought that taking a break might help – but it hasn’t.
I don’t want to live in this world anymore
What have any survivors who read my blog done that helps you? I don’t know what to do. I need to change my life around. I miss being happy and full of joy, and I want it back. He took so much from me!
I came across a great read and immediately started crying because of the following quote, particularly the bolded section.
I rarely meet a woman who has experienced rape and is comfortable using that word. In fact, in my experience most try to avoid it and instead use language such as “I had an incident,” “You could say that he touched me,” or “I had sex with him but didn’t really want to.”
GoodTherapy Blog
That’s almost exactly what I said to my boyfriend via text the day I was raped, and because of that, the police did not take me seriously. I was in shock and horror, and who wants to say or write that out loud to anyone, let alone themselves or a boyfriend? I said, “We texted sex, but I didn’t want to”. Not only that, but I also described that I woke up, and he was on top of and inside me. But police and District Attorneys in this country take the word of a rapist over the person who has been assaulted every time.
I’ve been searching for ways to overcome this, and I see the same things forgive yourself, blame the rapist, talk to family and friends, exercise, volunteer, and go to therapy. I’m having a very hard time finding something that helps. At first, about a month after, I forced myself to go out and do things and be social. Now, I don’t want to talk to anyone; I’m starting to feel weird around my boyfriend, and I really wish I could find some answers. I miss the person who I used to be.
A Survivor Not a Victim 
It takes time…I know that is what you hear from everyone, but it does. Everyone’s healing path is different. The biggest lesson I have had to learn is that the road is long and never linear, and when the emotions come ride them out. Last night in therapy, my therapist said he wished he had the golden answer for me. I know that no one does, it sucks big time that this happened to you. Know that you are not alone. Writing about it, talking about and getting support are huge. You are doing everything right…and it sucks! Hang in there, you are not alone. Big hugs to you!
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My ‘incidents’ happened many years ago, and I still can’t use the actual word. My therapist told me that saying it won’t make it more real. Which I know is true, but the word gets stuck and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t get it out. No one really seems to understand this. Hell, I don’t even understand how one word can be so hard to say. I think there’s still a deep sense of shame that I haven’t been able to get over. I also haven’t really found anything that helps, so unfortunately I have no words of wisdom to share. ❤
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