Road to Recovery…When Does It End?

It has been exactly 8 months since I was raped (actually 8 months yesterday because it is after midnight). I am  not doing much better at all, I am still having awful nightmares; the went a way for a couple of weeks, but not for long, migraines are in full swing (this one is 7 days long!) and I miss so much work because of them. I had stopped blogging because all I think about is rape, and I thought that taking a break might help – but it hasn’t.

I don’t want to live in this world anymore

What have any of you survivors who read my blog do/have done that help’s? I don’t know what to do. I need to change my life around, I miss being happy and full of joy, and I want it back. He took so much from me!

I came across this great read: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/life-after-rape-5-keys-to-growth-and-healing-for-women-0217155

I immediately started crying because of this (in particular the bold)

I rarely meet a woman who has experienced rape and is comfortable using that word. In fact, in my experience most try to avoid it and instead use language such as “I had an incident,” “You could say that he touched me,” or “I had sex with him but didn’t really want to.”

That almost  what I said to my boyfriend via text the day I was raped, and because of that, the police did not take me seriously. I was in shock and horror and…who want’t to say or write that out loud to anyone, let alone themselves or a boyfriend! I said, “We had sex but I didn’t want to”. Not only that but I also described that I woke up and he was on top  of me inside me. But police and DA’s in this country take the word over a Rapist every time.

I have been searching for ways to overcome this, and I see the same things….forgive yourself, blame the rapist, talk to family and friends, exercise, volunteer, therapy….I am having a very hard time finding something that helps. At first, about a month after, I forced myself to go out and do things – be social. Now I don’t want to talk to anyone, I am starting to feel weird around my boyfriend, and  just really wish I could find some answers.I miss…..me….

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7 thoughts on “Road to Recovery…When Does It End?

  1. I’ve been meaning to find a quiet time to sit down and read your blogs, for ages.

    Given the nature of the topic, it seemed disrespectful to just rush through them.

    I am so sorry about what you have been through, both at the time of the rape and ever since.

    It makes me so angry that justice is never done and those who ignore it and who have the power to help stop it, are just as guilty as the rapist himself.

    Yes, they may as well have been the ones on top of you and in God’s eyes, they are far from exonerated from the crime.

    I started reading your article about when you plucked up the courage to read your police report. It’s hardly surprising that they insulted you in this way – most defence lawyers and police are scum and have evil hearts. But if you were their daughter or wife, they would do their job properly.

    We live in a selfish, callous, world where many people in professional jobs only care about their pay check.

    I know many women of no faith say to themselves, “If there was a God, why didn’t he stop it?” It’s an understandable angry retort, but not one that will help you.

    God did see what happened and yes, he could have intervened, but the fact that he didn’t is not your fault, nor does it mean that he doesn’t care about you.

    Not only was he angry and saddened at your attack, but he wants to free you from the traumatic memory and give you your life back.

    I am praying for you because I know you probably don’t understand and you may think I’m saying ‘get religious and all your problems will be solved.’

    I am just wanting to give you good news. That through the power of Jesus, you can be set free from this nightmare and even though things may not happen overnight, he will walk with you through the pain, if you let him.

    Yea, he’s a man, but he respects and loves women in a perfect, holy way and he will bring all guilty to judgement one day.

    Nobody, gets away with anything and God is not a senile old man with Amnesia. All rapists will reap what they have sown and so will the insensitive ‘professionals’ who abused their positions by doing nothing at all to help you.

    They will have to stand before their Creator and give an account as to why they turned a deaf ear to your cry.

    This attack was intended to destroy you by the enemy of God, satan – who is not a fictitious character with red face and horns. But Jesus died for us long ago so that now whenever the enemy of your soul tries to kill your spirit, He steps in and says ‘No! Stop!’ He allowed the attack but did not orchestrate it. He allowed it to prove how he can deliver you out of this and comfort you. He allowed it so he can use you to minister to other victims. But I am not going to pretend I know everything because I don’t. I don’t know the main reason why he stood back and allowed this dreadful thing to happen to you. And if I was raped and someone said that to me…God allowed it for his purposes, I would want to slap them across the face.

    So I say it with respect, not arrogance. I say it because I know he allows many awful things to happen in this world but THAT DOES NOT MEAN HE IS HAPPY WITH WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU. No way – you are his precious daughter and he wants to comfort you, protect you and free you from this prison of torment.

    The first step is admitting any anger you have towards God for letting this rape happen.

    The second step is asking him to help you overcome it.

    The third is letting your boyfriend read all your articles so he can get a better understanding.

    The fourth is forgiving your boyfriend for the times he has not shown concern and understanding the way you expected him to.

    The fifth is accepting that despite the fact that you were TOTALLY INNOCENT, that as humans we all need to admit that we are natural sinners and need God’s forgiveness.

    The sixth is acknowleging that Jesus died to set you free from your sins and those of others and from the Devil’s schemes and to ask Jesus to come into your life to be a part of it. To help you, commune with you and be your best friend.

    I hope this helps. I know it’s long, but how does one shorten good news? I had to tell it all. Please forgive me for posting such a long reply.

    I am praying for you daily. You WILL get over this. God is on your side xx

    Like

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