By: A Survivor Not a Victim
June 29, 2016
Since I was raped on February 14th this year (2016), I have been suffering from major anxiety, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, and so much more. About two weeks ago, I passed my rapist on the street. I had a panic attack ( which I have never experienced in my life).
Since then, I have been even more anxious (which I didn’t even think was possible, but it is ) and paranoid. I am afraid to leave my house. I don’t feel safe. When I leave for work, the whole (15-minute trip ) is a nightmare! All my muscles tense up, my heart pounds out of my chest, my stomach hurts, and I want to cry. I work on a locked floor, so in my office, I feel safe. But I have to run errands daily. This has proven to be a struggle. The same feelings that I get on my way to work, I feel, only times three! I walk around Boston now with my camera open, fearing seeing him again.
Some days, I feel like I’m going to pass on on the street.
Today, after work, I was on my way to counseling. I stopped at the T to have a clove. I am an empath. All of a sudden, I felt like someone was staring at me, so I looked around. It was this man.
The man reminds me of my rapist; he is carrying a conspicuous “suitcase.” I stared at him while he was on the phone and watched him for about 15 minutes. He was DEFINITELY staring at me. I snapped a few pictures of the one on the phone (so if I ever end up dead, FYI).
I have learned the hard way to trust my gut. In college, I was walking home from the train; I got a feeling that someone was following me. But I told myself I was worrying about nothing since I lived near the train. He was actually following me; he stopped at the gate to the yard of my house and prevented me from going into the gate of my house.
And that is not the only time I ignored my intuition.
I’m in fear for my well-being, my life, and I wish that the sexual assault unit in Boston actually investigated my rape.
I don’t know what to do.
A Survivor Not a Victim 
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. ❤ I agree with hswoods that it does get better. While I don't see my attacker, because he died several years ago, I do feel more confident now that I've learned to trust and listen to my intuition. I've avoided going out when I felt led not to and learned about things happening that could have happened to me if I had. I've avoided people and learned later that they were dangerous. I've felt when things weren't right and gotten them addressed to find that I was right and was able to get the medical attention necessary. You are wiser and more intuitive than you even realize, especially with the gift of empathy that you've been given. It feels like a curse right now, but it's because evil in the world is turning it against you. The gift of empathy helps us have compassion and love for people, and know things about them that no one else knows. You have an amazing gift to be someone you never had… but do now that you realize it's always been you. (((hugs)))
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It gets better, I promise. I’ve seen my rapist a handful of times, and even though it’s terrifying, my general anxiety is pretty much gone. It just takes time.
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