So Anxious; I Can’tDeal With This Anymore

Since I was raped on February 14th this year  (2016) I have been suffering from major anxiety,  PTSD,  suicidal thoughts and so much more.  About two weeks ago,  I passed my rapist on the street.  I had a panic attack ( which I have never experienced in my life).

Since then,  I have been even more anxious  (which I didn’t even think was possible. …but it is ) and paranoid. I am afraid to leave my house.  I don’t feel safe.  When I leave to go to work,  the whole  (15 minute trip ) is a nightmare!  All my muscles tense up, my heart pounds out of my chest,  my stomach hurts. ..and I want to cry. I work on a locked floor,  so in my office,  I feel safe.  But, I have to run errands daily.  This has proven to be a struggle.  The same feelings that I get on my way to work I feel,  only times three! ! I walk around Boston now with my camera open in fear of seeing him again.

Some day’s I feel like I am going to pass on on the street.

Today,  after work,  I was on my way to counseling.  I stopped at the T to have a clove.  I am an empath. All of the sudden I felt like someone was staring at me so I looked around.  It was this man…

 

You will notice that he is of Indian descent,  like my rapist,  carrying a conspicuous “suitcase “.  I stared at him while he was on the phone. ..and watched him for about 15 minutes.  He was DEFINITELY staring at me. I snapped a few pictures…the one on the phone   (so if I ever end up dead. … fyi).

20160629_181658

I  have learned the hard way to trust my gut. In college,  I was walking home from the T, I got a feeling that someone was following me. But since I lived close to the T, I told myself that I was worrying about nothing.  He actually was following me, stopped me and prevented me from going into the gate of my house.

And that is not the only time I ignored my intuition.

I am in fear of my well being,  my life, and I wish that the fucking sexual assault unit in Boston actually invistigated my rape.

I don’t know what to do.

2 thoughts on “So Anxious; I Can’tDeal With This Anymore

  1. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. ❤ I agree with hswoods that it does get better. While I don't see my attacker, because he died several years ago, I do feel more confident now that I've learned to trust and listen to my intuition. I've avoided going out when I felt led not to and learned about things happening that could have happened to me if I had. I've avoided people and learned later that they were dangerous. I've felt when things weren't right and gotten them addressed to find that I was right and was able to get the medical attention necessary. You are wiser and more intuitive than you even realize, especially with the gift of empathy that you've been given. It feels like a curse right now, but it's because evil in the world is turning it against you. The gift of empathy helps us have compassion and love for people, and know things about them that no one else knows. You have an amazing gift to be someone you never had… but do now that you realize it's always been you. (((hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It gets better, I promise. I’ve seen my rapist a handful of times, and even though it’s terrifying, my general anxiety is pretty much gone. It just takes time.

    Liked by 1 person

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