By: A Survivor Not a Victim
May 9, 2016
I am having such a hard time functioning as a human being right now! I am so full of regret and guilt! I wish that I did something to stop him from raping me, anything! At the very least, I wish that I was not too scared or shocked to call 911 after it happened that morning or that I didn’t go to the emergency room. If I had called 911 or gone to the ER, maybe things would have been different. Maybe it would have been enough to get him arrested and put on trial.
This is something that I think about every day. How am I supposed to move on without justice? Am I supposed to let this go? He RAPED ME. He took away something so deep inside me. I am not myself and don’t think I will ever be whole again. This crime is the worst crime that a person can commit. I think it is worse than murder because my soul died that day, yet I have to walk this earth every day in despair with horrible thoughts, feelings, flashbacks, and memories that I don’t know how I will ever erase. I am tormented every day, and the thought that he gets to walk around free, not having to admit what he did, with no repercussions, a clean record, and the ability to do this to someone else makes me sick. How am I supposed to have hope when the justice system has failed me, much like it fails most rape victims. I don’t see how it is possible. At least if I had the courage to do something that day, maybe the outcome would have been different, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way, maybe I would start my journey of hope. I just don’t see how that is even possible at this point.
I keep having flashbacks about his “defense” in the courtroom when we had the hearing to extend the restraining order. He said that we had a one-day relationship. I felt so sick when I heard that. I almost vomited all over the courtroom and cried, but I kept my composure. This disgusting excuse for a human, this is what he said?!?! I have never even flirted with him in the past, nor have I ever kissed him, or ever gave him a verbal inclination that I was ever interested in him. The thing that kills me is that I told him that, THAT NIGHT, I would NEVER sleep with him. Ever! Those were my words! I was in shock and horror that morning when I woke up with no underwear on and… It was like I left my body, so surreal. I was scared, intimidated, and disturbed. I just froze; I have never felt like that. And I was still so drunk! I just wish so much that I could go back and do things differently. And I wish that some type of justice would be served!
I am broken and feel that I might be broken beyond repair. Nothing is helping me. I am seeking help, but nothing works. I am so overwhelmed with anguish that I just can’t bear it.
A Survivor Not a Victim 