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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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Rape

Let’s talkk about consent……

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People are taught that consent is a “yes”. But clearly there is a lot of confusion about this topic.  I was initially going to make this more of a facetious post geared towards the individuals who disregard boundaries ,  but number one, that is not who my audience is, and number two,  the intent of my blog is to be helpful. ..so I ditched that part of my idea.

Still, people act as if consent is grey when it is really black and white.  I  will use me for an example.  I  know that I didn’t give consent.  I verbally told him no and that it was never going to happen.  He raped me when I was passed out and I woke up to it. However,  that day and the next,  being raped really messes with your mind and makes you question everything.  Not only did I not want to believe that I was raped,  I never thought that it would happen to me. Knowing that I didn’t give consent wasn’t enough,  it was like I need proof of some sort for my mind.

So I came up with an idea to post what consent is not. So if sex occurs from any of the below,  there is no need to doubt or second guess, it is rape.

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Carl-Fredrik Arndt & Peter Jonsson; True Hero’s

Full Article & Video

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/06/07/the-swedish-stanford-students-who-rescued-an-unconscious-sexual-assault-victim-speak-out/

 

Carl-Fredrik Arndt and Peter Jonsson are the two young men who came to the rescue of the victim of the rapist – Brock Turner.

What these men did is something that everyone should realistically be doing for one another…looking out for each other. That being said, many people find it hard to get involved; whether it is because they are scared, worried that it is not their business, or that they simply just don’t care.

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Not only did these hero’s witness and stop the rape in progress, they chased the rapist down and held him until officers arrived. That is just beyond admirable. This world needs more people like these two young men.

While both Carl and Peter initially choose not to comment on this issue, once supports of the rapist began to “bash” the victim, they choose to publicly provide an account of what they saw that night.

 

“We can see that she isn’t moving at all but he is moving a lot. So we stop and think that there is something strange going on,” – Carl Fredrik Arndt

 

“Peter walks over and asks what he is doing and I am following him. When he stand up we see that she still isn’t moving, even the slightest, so we approach and ask something like: ‘What the hell are you doing?’” – Carl Fredrik Arndt

 

When Peter received the letter from the victim he posted it on his Facebook and encouraged others to read it.

“Thanks to everyone, friends and strangers, for all the encouragement and support over the last days and months. At this point I will not publicly comment on the process or the outcome of the trial. However, I do ask all of you to spare a few minutes and read this letter written by the Victim.”

“To me it is unique in its form and comes as close as you can possibly get to putting words on an experience that words cannot describe.” Peter Jonsson

 

Carl and Peter speak out on what the “sex offenders supports had to say” in the attached video (link at top of page). These men are very admirable in my opinion. Even though the rapist got pretty much a slap on the wrist, the sad truth is that if it wasn’t for their actions, the chances of the rapist getting a sentence far less sever to possibly the case not even making it to court is a sad reality many victims have to face every day. 

This woman had all the right circumstances, she wound up in the hospital (though if you read the full story it is devastating that someone had to explain to her what happened to her) she had witnesses. None if this makes it any easier for her at all, but it creates a very strong case for court. Many, like mine, will never make it past a DA’s desk. My point is despite all that, the creep still get’s off easy. Anyone who is a supporter of Brock Turner the rapist, or anyone who has raped is a supporter of rape themselves. I commend Carl and Peter, and all individuals who take a stand in the face of and the fight against rape.

 

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Brock Turner Rapist. .. Blaming College “Party Culture”

Full article

http://abcnews.go.com/US/stanford-student-brock-turner-blames-party-culture-sexual/story?id=39702144

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Brock Turner,  typical rapist as displayed in this article.  He blames peer pressure to drink and party culture for making a “bad decision “.

Brock Turner  the rapist – “My poor decision-making and excessive drinking hurt someone that night, and I wish I could just take it all back”

Rapists never admit blame, it is always something or someone else.

It makes me laugh but also furious how he says that he made a “bad decision ” due to drinking.  No…no,no,no!!!! A bad decision would be drinking too much and puking all over your friends apartment,  or getting into a ridiculous argument with a good friend where you said some awful things that you didn’t mean, or  partying so hard that you miss a midterm /final. Those are bad decisions.  Raping an unconscious person behind a dumpster  (mind you,  there were two actual physical eyewitnesses who caught this creep in the act) does not qualify as a “bad decision “.

Here is where we see Brock Turner the rapist trying to plea with anyone who will listen that he is the victim here. That is the bottom line.

Brock Turner the rapist – “I want to take what I can from who I was before this situation happened and use it to the best of my abilities moving forward. I know I can show people who were like me the dangers of assuming what college life can be like without thinking about the consequences one would potentially have to make if one were to make the same decisions that I made”

Oh, and check out this gem that I found posted by Brock the rapist himself….

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I encourage you to read the full article,  it is just. …I don’t even have words!

Brock Turner the rapist – “There isn’t a second that has gone by where I haven’t regretted the course of events I took on January 17th/18th. My shell and core of who I am as a person is forever broken from this. I am a changed person. At this point in my life, I never want to have a drop of alcohol again. I never want to attend a social gathering that involves alcohol or any situation where people make decisions based on the substances they have consumed. I never want to experience being in a position where it will have a negative impact on my life or someone else’s ever again”

And the young woman addressed this in her letter to him;

Victim – “If you are hoping that one of my organs will implode from anger and I will die, I’m almost there. You are very close,” her letter reads in part. “This is not a story of another drunk college hook-up with poor decision-making. Assault is not an accident. Somehow, you still don’t get it. Somehow, you still sound confused”

Changes need to be made, Brock Turner is not a “nice guy” he is a rapist…period, the reinforcement of rape culture needs to end!

10waysnottorape

More Debunked Rape Myth Statements

Brock Turner; Convicted Rapist…Don’t EVER Forget It

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Brock Turner has been convicted of raping an unconscious female behind a dumpster at a frat party. Two fellow male students caught him in the act, chased him down, and held him until police officers arrived on the scene.

Even though Brock Turner was found guilty, he was sentenced to only 6 MONTHS of jail time because it was in the opinion of the judge that, ““A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him. I think he will not be a danger to others.”

Brock Turner’s father want’s people to stop talking about his son being a rapist. He made the statement [in a letter where he was making the argument that his son should receive probation], “His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life”.

Dan Turner (father of Brock Turner) went on to say, “He will never be his happy go lucky self with that easy going personality and welcoming smile”.

Seriously?!?! HIS life will never be the one he dreamed of? HE will never be HIS happy go lucky self? CRY ME A RIVER! He brutally raped a woman, and now just like almost all rapists, he is getting a slap on the wrist with only 6 months of jail time.

The poor victim. At the sentencing, the young woman asked the judge if she could address her attacker, Brock Turner, directly, and read a letter that she wrote. It is heart wrenching. Some things she said were,

 “The next thing I remember I was in a gurney in a hallway. I had dried blood and bandages on the backs of my hands and elbow. I thought maybe I had fallen and was in an admin office on campus. I was very calm and wondering where my sister was. A deputy explained I had been assaulted. I still remained calm, assured he was speaking to the wrong person. I knew no one at this party. When I was finally allowed to use the restroom, I pulled down the hospital pants they had given me, went to pull down my underwear, and felt nothing. I still remember the feeling of my hands touching my skin and grabbing nothing. I looked down and there was nothing. The thin piece of fabric, the only thing between my vagina and anything else, was missing and everything inside me was silenced. I still don’t have words for that feeling. In order to keep breathing, I thought maybe the policemen used scissors to cut them off for evidence.”

On that morning, all that I was told was that I had been found behind a dumpster, potentially penetrated by a stranger, and that I should get retested for HIV because results don’t always show up immediately.

So one year later, as predicted, a new dialogue emerged. Brock had a strange new story, almost sounded like a poorly written young adult novel with kissing and dancing and hand holding and lovingly tumbling onto the ground, and most importantly in this new story, there was suddenly consent. One year after the incident, he remembered, oh yeah, by the way she actually said yes, to everything, so.

Full letter here:

https://www.buzzfeed.com/katiejmbaker/heres-the-powerful-letter-the-stanford-victim-read-to-her-ra?utm_term=.bqRdYBZqr0#.fmjY1r5amy

During an n interview with The Washington Post on 6/6/16 Santa Clara District Attorney Jeff Rosen stated that, “To this day, the defendant denies what he did, Turner “preyed upon” his victim and displayed violence”.

I hope no one ever….ever forgets the name Brock Turner, and the fact that he is a brutal rapist who got off easy. I hope everyone who reads this shares it with someone, or everyone they know so that it will cycle and cycle throughout the media outlets for years to come. So that in the future when others are looking up information, the name “Brock Turner; Rapist” will always and forever be connected as one, identifying him as a rapist for life, because that is what he is, a filthy, disrespectful, depraved, deceitful, and remorseless RAPIST!

 

 

Can’t Even Describe How I Am Feeling

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I know that it has been a long time since I have posted, and that I have not been posting daily as per usual.

I have been in such a dark dark place. It has been just about 4 months since heimages (1) raped me. My dreams, flashbacks, sleeping issues, concentration, eating issues, etc. are really not improving much at all. I am beyond exhausted, physically, mentally and spiritually.  Feeling like this is new to me (I am not speaking to feeling like being raped…or I suppose maybe in a way I am). By nature I am a happy positive person. In my life, I have dealt with many downs, some very dark and very bad (like everyone). That being said, I have always had the ability to bounce back quickly, see the positive, and not live in despair. I am(or should I say WAS)  like that annoying stereotypical happy person that pessimists and people who are in a bad or fair mood detest…lol.

I don’t know how to deal with all that I am feeling, and in certain cases, what I am not feelintumblr_myw1514Y3s1t5u7l9o1_500g. I don’t know how to focus like this, I don’t know how to stop the nightmares, the flashbacks, the looking over my shoulder, the always being jumpy. I am sinking deeper and deeper into sadness, despair, confusion, and un-expressible emotions. I have never in my life ever been like this and it scares me. If there is one thing I know, it is self expression and communication. This is uncharted territory.

 

I have not been able to take pleasure in things that I like since February, and now, I can’t even bring myself to blog. Blogging has been my outlet. I am very concerned about what is happening with me. I am, have been and am continuing to seek help, but nothing seems to be improving. I am anxious about what the upcoming months are going to bring.note_to_myself_i_miss_you_by_velvetlusia

I just really feel that I am broken and damaged beyond repair right now.

Finally Got The Courage To Get A Copy Of My Police Report

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Since the DA will not prosecute my RAPIST, I have been forced to seek other means of justice. I have been working withe the victim law advocates, and they are trying to find me an attorney who might take my case to civil court. So far I have had no success.

Last night I was doing research for my blog, and I came across a site, and a lawyer who looked liked they might be able to help (maybe). I looked up this lawyer and emailed them. I received a response. This lawyer requested all restraining order documents and police reports.I sent all the restraining order documents, but I still never picked up the police report, I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.

Today I went to pick it up so I can send it to the lawyer tomorrow.

I was furious!! With what I saw in the report….or rather what I did not see!!

#1 – The section with the information about the rapist. I am fairly certain that I told the detectives that he is not a citizen of this country. Even if I am wrong, they know that is information relevant to the report, and they never asked me (but I am fairly certain that I told him…it should be in there!!!!!!!)

#2 – The description of what happened, it was very short, fine, a summary, but no where does it say that I told this asshole that I wold never have sex with him . I explicitly said that to him that night! I told the detectives that more than once! Why in the hell wasn’t it in the report?!?! Especially because the DA decided in the leingtt of less than 48 hours that they were not going to press charges, and the detectives never even questioned the rapist!!!

I feel like these detectives didn’t give a care in the world, and only did this paperwork because they “had to”. Oh, a girl was drinking and she “got raped”.

It is like they didn’t believe me.

What, I can’t drink in my own home and go to sleep in my own bed without being raped?

I am so outraged!

I want so bad to name my rapist!! He needs to be brought to justice!

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Types Of Rapists; Knowledge Is Power

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Until the criminal justice system decides to make some changes,  and actually make the consequences for raping someone more strict, people are going to continue to rape because they know that they will most likely get away with it .

This article talks talks about the types of rapists,  their mo, and what you could do (god forbid ) if you find yourself in this awful situation .

I per think that people need to be taught not to rape,  and that they should be held accountable to the fullest,  but in the meantime,  I thought this would be good to share,  it is something that I Def wish I knew prior to my rape.

http://faculty.csbsju.edu/uspp/crimpsych/CPSG-5.htm

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Sex After Rape

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I am anxiously awaiting the return of my man. He hasbeen away since very shortly after my rape, and due to return next month in June sometime.

I’m so afraid of what sex is going to be like and how it is going to effect us. So scared!  He has assured me his support,  but still I worry because I care for him so much!

I read this amazing article that gives me hope;

http://www.fortrefuge.com/12-things-no-one-told-me-about-sex-after-rape.php

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I am really hoping that everything works out!

Full Of Regret, Guilt and Shame; Can’t Move On

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I am having such a hard time functioning as a human being right now! I am so full of regret and guilt! I wish that I did something to stop him from raping me, anything! At the very least, I wish that I was not to scared or shocked to  call 911 after it happened that morning, or that I didn’t go to the emergency room. If I called 911, or went to the ER, maybe things would be different. Maybe it would have been enough to get him arrested and put on trial.

This is something that I think about every day. How am I supposed to move on without justice, I am I supposed to let this go? He RAPED ME. He took away something so deep inside me. I am not myself, and I don’t think that I will ever be whole again. This crime, it is the worst crime that a person can commit, I think worse than murder, becauseimages (11)se my soul died that day, yet I have to walk this earth every day in despair with horrible thoughts, feelings, flashbacks and memories that I don’t know how I will ever erase.  I am tormented every day, and the thought that he gets to walk around free, not having to admit what he did, no repercussions, a clean record, with the ability to do this to someone else makes me sick. I am I supposed to have hope when the justice system has failed me, much like it fails most rape victims. I don’t see how it is possible. At least if I had the courage to do something that day, maybe the outcome would have been different, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way, maybe I would start my journey of hope. I just don’t see how that is even possible at this point.

I keep having flashbacks about his “defense” in the courtroom when we had the hearing to extend the restraining order. He said that we had a one day relationship. I felt so sick when I heard that, I almost vomited all over the courtroom and cried, but I kept my composure. This….disgusting excuse for a human…this is what he said?!?! I have never even flirted with him in the pa97st, nor have I ever kissed him, or ever gave him a verbal inclination that I was ever interested in him. The thing that kills me is that I told him that…THAT NIGHT, that I would never sleep with him..ever! Those were my words! I was in shock and horror that morning when I woke up with no underwear on, to him fucking me! It was like I left my body, so surreal. I was scared, intimidated, and disturbed. I just, froze, I have never felt like that. And I was still so drunk! I just wish so much that I could go back and do things differently. And, I wish that some type of justice would be served!

I am broken, and I feel that I might be broken beyond repair. Nothing is helping me. I am seeking help, but nothing works. I am so overwhelmed with anguish that I just can bear it.

 

Who Am I

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Who am I?  For this I don’t know anymore.

But I am a woman who refuses to remain silent,  that’s for sure.

I was never one to back down in defeate

But the extent of your all encompassing deceit….

I am powerless to educe justice for the crime that occurred.

And how could I,  when it is word against word.

You had me in your sights all night from the start.

You groomed me all evening,  being sneaky and impart.

What kind of justice system do we have

What type of world do we live in

Where the guilty are immediately viewed uncensurable

And the victim’s indictable

I loose countless hours every day and night over these notions

This is not me, how I am, or how my brain typically functions.

Who am I

Who am I  becoming

Right now I am dark, decaying , drained and drowning

I hope I will evolve to someone more triumphing

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The Good, Bad, & Ugly of Trying to Get Supporters for A Walk For A Change

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If you follow my blog, you know that I was raped by my roommate,  this year, 2016 on (the early morning of) February 14th.

Trying to cope with this has been and continues to be a major struggle for me.  When I am better,  I fully intend to be an advocate.  And I’m not just talking about helping other rape victims,  I am also talking about changing laws!

But for now,  I can barely function on a daily basis.  When I saw that BARCC (Boston Area Rape Crisis Center,  they have been and are continuing to help me) was having a walk on April 10th to raise money,  I immediately wanted to be apart of it.  That was /is something that I CAN do right now to help others.  So I will be walking with one of my dog’s on April 10th.

Now,  before I say anything,  I want to say that I currently have a lot of people who are supporting me (not for the walk,  I mean in general ) . And for that I am greafull and feel extremely fortunate.

Now,  I am not big on social media.  I have never done anything to raise money before  (except when I was a little girl selling girl scout cookies ). This cause means so much to me.  I am extremely passionate about it.  On Facebook,  there are only 1-3 people that I don’t personally know.  Everyone else is from high school,  college, previous jobs, family,  or friends.

I  thought that since. ..well,  no one supports rape,  that I would be able to get some sponsors.  Well, I only got a few (and I  am  eternally grateful for them!!!) Additionally,  for my first and second post,  I received very. ..very few likes. Now, I know this might sound so high schoolish, but I  normally would never take something like that personally.  First,  let me say, that I am also eternally grateful for! I know that some people cannot give money,  but just liking the cause ment so much to me, and made me so happy.

But of all my friends and family (not direct family,  they are ALL already supportive and have made that known) that support was few and far between.  And I am not just talking about the sponsoring me for the walk.

Last week,  my brother’s fiancé suggested that I say that BARCC directly helps me with my rape. Initially I didn’t want to.  But the 10th of April is coming up and I really want to reach my goal.  So I did.

The result,  no likes, no response,  no supporters  (and of course,  anyone who previously did any of those,  in person,  online,  or supported my walk, this does not apply to ). The thing that upsets me the most  is that it was one thing before I disclosed that I was raped and that BARCC was helping me.  Now that I have and nothing. …this makes me think that these people don’t care about rape.  And if people who personally know me (family and friends ) don’t care, then how in the hell are we supposed to get society to care enough to change the laws and make the consequences of rape more strict, and make it easier to convict rapists.  Look at the statistics,  a very small percentage of rapists go to trial,  and even less are convinced.

And all those who are worried about false accusations and non rapists going to jail. …that is 2% which is the exact same for ALL other crimes, so why can’t we change the laws on rape?

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I am sad and disheartened.  But at the same time grateful for the family and friends who are supporting me through this awful time.  I’m normally not very good at keeping in touch with people.  I have health problems.  I am sick a lot and when I make plans,  I have to cancel a lot. I  have  lost close friends over this.  Going through what I am going through now,  I am never EVER going to forget who is here for me, and I am always going to make an effort to stay in touch.  I  feel very special.

As for the rest,  especially my “family ” (again,  I am NOT talking about my immediate family ) just because we share the same blood. ..doesn’t mean s*#@! If I ever saw a post like I posted from a family member,  I would send them a message.  And of course,  I am talking about active FB people.

 

https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/FundraisingPage.aspx?langPref=en-CA&RegistrationID=3259670#.VvCJwlZ8Lsc.mailto

I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW

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I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW! I JUST WANT TO SHUT MY BRAIN OFF!!!

I hate what you did to me. I  hate how I feel.  I hate how I can’t sleep.  I hate how I can’t eat.  I hate that I get flashbacks.  And images of your disgusting face in my mind.  I  hate who I have become,  someone I don’t know,  or like, or can even define.

I  was once so viscous, full of life,  complete, and content.  You took that away in a moments notice with no warning or accord.

I can’t concentrate,  I have nightmares,  I am jumpy and on edge.  I’m constantly looking over my shoulder,  I am scared and tormented.

I wish I could just sleep.  Sleep until these feelings go away,  but even sleep is not peaceful,  for forever in my mind you stay.

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Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

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I’m not scared of wolves

It’s the wolves in sheep’s clothing I fear

Feigned, conniving and deceitful is the true essence they hide

But with wolves you see their true nature,  no shame, no apologies,  no lies

You are a wolf in sheep’s clothing

The lowest of the low

What you deserve  something,  so awful,  more damaging than anyone could undergo

How could you do this to me? Are you that twisted?

Because I said I would never sleep with you,   my boundaries you omitted?

You are worthless,  insignificant,  more grotesque than scum on the bottom of the filthiest shoe.

And don’t you worry,  because one day Karma WILL COME FOR YOU

I will take care, and run with the wolves

They are safer to be around,  you know what to expect from them

Take care my rapist,  for one day,  Karma will bring your perfect world to a shattering end

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Thank Goodness!

So, since I didn’t get a rape kit,  I was told to wait about a month to get STD testing done. I  did.

I have been so incredibly worried.  It was bad enough that I was raped,  and I am fairly certain that he didn’t use a condom.  But he also isn’t even from this country,  and he was in his home country this summer,  and I know that he frequents escorts.  So I have be a wreck!

I got my results today and thankfully everything is negative!  I am so happy about the good news 😊

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DARK AND WITHERING

The joy in my life has ceced

A veil of tenebrosity ensues

What has my life disparaged to

How can one man  incite so much anguish

For a person should not have the kind of power over you

Yet, when a person  defiles you, that assertion does not hold true.

To have your boundaries disregarded is unexplainable to convey

I force a smile for all the world too see

But on the inside I’m withering, and as dark as can be.

 


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