Search

A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

Tag

No hope

Being Raped Has Ruined My Life – I Live In A Constant State Of FEAR

images (3)

Being raped is on of the worst experiences that a person can live through.  The aftermath of rape is equally as terrible. As if being raped isn’t bad enough,  the trauma from that event, the memories,  the scars….they last forever.

It is bad enough that I am TERRIFIED to leave my house,  or work once I arrive there safely.  This is my everyday reality.images (2)

My roommate left a few days ago,  and he won’t be back till next week.  I am petrified.  To the point where I sleep with a kitchen knife under my pillow.

It is completely unfair. My rapist lives his live unaccountable for his actions, untouched, unharmed, hell, I would not even be surprised if he jerks off to that morning and what he did to me. And I, am cursed to continue to live with flashbacks, nightmares, fear, visions, the inability to concentrate, sleep and eat.

I live every day of my life in fear, to the point where on most day’s, at least once, I become so overwhelmed with fear that I start to shake uncontrollably, and most day’s this happens more than once.

Rape has ruined my life…

images (1)

How I Feel After Being Raped; The ABC’s

images (1)

Awful

Broken

Choked 

Damaged

Emotional 

Fearful 

Guilty 

Hurt

Insignificant 

Jittery 

Kaput

Lost

Mutilated 

Nervous 

Overwhelmed 

Paralyzed 

Queasy

Restless 

Suicidal

Tired 

Undefinable

Violated 

Weak

X – is his name ie THE RAPIST 

Yucky

Zero

images

Full Of Regret, Guilt and Shame; Can’t Move On

guilt-complex-test-quiz

I am having such a hard time functioning as a human being right now! I am so full of regret and guilt! I wish that I did something to stop him from raping me, anything! At the very least, I wish that I was not to scared or shocked to  call 911 after it happened that morning, or that I didn’t go to the emergency room. If I called 911, or went to the ER, maybe things would be different. Maybe it would have been enough to get him arrested and put on trial.

This is something that I think about every day. How am I supposed to move on without justice, I am I supposed to let this go? He RAPED ME. He took away something so deep inside me. I am not myself, and I don’t think that I will ever be whole again. This crime, it is the worst crime that a person can commit, I think worse than murder, becauseimages (11)se my soul died that day, yet I have to walk this earth every day in despair with horrible thoughts, feelings, flashbacks and memories that I don’t know how I will ever erase.  I am tormented every day, and the thought that he gets to walk around free, not having to admit what he did, no repercussions, a clean record, with the ability to do this to someone else makes me sick. I am I supposed to have hope when the justice system has failed me, much like it fails most rape victims. I don’t see how it is possible. At least if I had the courage to do something that day, maybe the outcome would have been different, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way, maybe I would start my journey of hope. I just don’t see how that is even possible at this point.

I keep having flashbacks about his “defense” in the courtroom when we had the hearing to extend the restraining order. He said that we had a one day relationship. I felt so sick when I heard that, I almost vomited all over the courtroom and cried, but I kept my composure. This….disgusting excuse for a human…this is what he said?!?! I have never even flirted with him in the pa97st, nor have I ever kissed him, or ever gave him a verbal inclination that I was ever interested in him. The thing that kills me is that I told him that…THAT NIGHT, that I would never sleep with him..ever! Those were my words! I was in shock and horror that morning when I woke up with no underwear on, to him fucking me! It was like I left my body, so surreal. I was scared, intimidated, and disturbed. I just, froze, I have never felt like that. And I was still so drunk! I just wish so much that I could go back and do things differently. And, I wish that some type of justice would be served!

I am broken, and I feel that I might be broken beyond repair. Nothing is helping me. I am seeking help, but nothing works. I am so overwhelmed with anguish that I just can bear it.

 

How I Feel After Being Raped; Three Months Later

images

Dirty

Scared

Terrified

Lost

Not myself

Anxious

Depressed

Gross

Awful

Terrible

Alone

Ashamed

Victim

Disgrace

Innocence lost

images (1)

Stigma Hurts

images (5)

I have never felt rape stigma so bad as I do now, trying to find a new roommate! I have been looking for a roommate since March 1st. It has not been an easy task. With the people that have ended up coming to see my apartment, and the people that I do like and could see myself living with, I keep running into the same issue for the most part. Not all cases, but 99% of them. They meet me, they like me, they like the place, the price, location, etc. Then they ask why the previous roommate left….What the hell am I supposed to say?!?!?!?! I am the honest type, I am not going to lie or deceive anyone no matter what the cost. images (6)

This is how it goes; Prospective – “Why did your roommate leave?” Me-  “He was removed by the court” Prospective – “Why? What did he do??” Me- Umm…. He raped me” Prospective – “crickets” — no they say, “I am so sorry, that is terrible…blah blah balhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!” Then I never hear from them again! Female, Male, Gay, Straight, Bi…it is all the same. What is this?!?! I don’t get it? Am I supposed to lie? I don’t think so! Are they passing judgement on me? Were they just playing me all along and pretending that they loved the place and wanted to fill out an application….wasting my time and theirs??? I am sensing a pattern, and I have learned the hard way to trust my gut, and my gut says that is directly has to do with telling these people that I was raped by my former roommate. Now what the hell am I supposed to do to overcome this? Not only do I need a new roommate asap….It has to be the right roommate for me, I am not letting anyone just move on up in here. images (4) I just feel so defeated, and I don’t  know. I have never been raped before…let alone by a roommate! I don’t know how to handle this, I don’t know how to proceed! I don’t know what or when to tell people, so I only tell when asked. So why are people so ridiculous when they find out that I have been raped? I have had roommates for years, many many years, and have never ever had a hard time finding replacements or new roommates. What gives? It’s like The havoc that this rapist has reaped on my life is endless and continues to grow every single day! When is it going to end! I mean sure, most things happen for a reason, so clearly none of these prospective people are for me in regards to roommates, but I am reaching the the end here. Rapist who is still on the lease will not pay, I am running out of time and resources to get someone in here. I am just at such a loss!

images (7)

I Just Don’t Know What To Do Anymore

 

I am approaching the end of my rope and I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t take it, I can’t cope. I have done everything right, and nothing is working out for me. On top of that, I am seeking help, sharing my story, both here, and with family and friends in person, I am seeking counseling, and nothing is bringing ease to my pain and suffering, I am not feeling any better!

I am admits the pit of deep dark and despair, with no hope or glimmer of light. I have been through a lot of tough times in my life (and no, I am not talking about love struggles, but I do know first hand how terribly awful those are and can be), so I am no stranger to dark times. I have always remained positive and came out ok…this time, I am getting worried, I have never in my life felt such despair, such anguish, such….just at a loss of words (which for me is not at all typical!).

I don’t know how much longer I can continue like this. I keep looking at my two little dog’s, the only reason why I have not relinquished hope and given up right now, but it is getting harder and harder to function, live, breathe…..I just don’t know what to do.

12747819_1572437489743618_1776414230_a

Getting The Short End Of The Stick Continues!!!!!!!!!

anger2

This sucks!!!! Everything sucks, and the hit’s just keep on coming! I have been looking for a roommate for a month now to no avail. Today I received a text from my landlord saying that he has only received half of the rent for this month, and to please let him know by the end of the day when he can expect the rest.

Now, my landlord has been understanding, he knows the situation, and I know regardless, he needs to get paid, so that is not where this is going. The ASSHOLE who raped me is still on the lease, therefor, he is still legally responsible for rent until he is no longer on the lease. I had a conversation with my landlord, we both do not want to get the courts involved, but have decided that if that is necessary, then we will.

I then have been in touch with BARCC today, and will be early next week. So far, it is looking like my options are very limited, a no options are looking to solve the immediate problem at hand .ie: getting my landlord his money asap. Even if I take this scumbag to small claims court, that will take forever to “potentially” get money, and that is only if they decide that I am owed it.

I am so FUCKING ANGRY!!! THIS ASSHOLE HAS MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL, AND THE SHIT LIST CONTINUES TO PILE UP!!! IT ISN’T FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!

You know something,  is it fair that he is legally responsible for rent while he isn’t living here…wahhhh, cry me a river!  Is it fair that he stuck his dick inside a passed out person who already told him that she would never sleep with him?

Life+just+isn+t+fair+now+is+it+_d9c0a33f9be96e6ce36748350b45b573
Enter a caption

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

threesmallwords

I was raped

Fixated To Free

...The Final Journey From Fixation...

518-songofmypeople

A town everyone hates, yet no one leaves...

laurenruiz

la vita e bella

burbuqeraufi

Burbuqe's blog- affirmations, quotes, short stories

Frank Solanki

If you want to be a hero well just follow me

Unspoken Conversations.

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Rape/Sexual Assault.

nicolesundays

humor. storytelling. general stupidity.

mikadO frenzy

health, food/recipes, personal venting/writing, miscellaneous

MakeItUltra™

Psychology to Motivate | Inspire | Uplift

WaveringParisian

Mental health. Self improvement. Life.

Love You More

Live, Love, Inspire

My Story

One woman's story of survival

surviving the specter

Surviving through Depression. "Specter" is the personification of my depression.

crazysobergirl

Sober living in a crazy world

Speaking When the World Sleeps

The blog of a bad survivor

POSSIBILITY IN EVERY OPPORTUNITY

THERE IS NO HARM IN DOING YOUR BEST

overcomeabuse

How I Survived Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence

ShySnail

the unpopular celeb

50-shades-of-abuse

Abuse is Abuse..No and Or But Or In-between

Richardsiaw.com

The unsaid of Africa

Confessions of a Clairsentient

glimpses of life captured through the lens of the heart..

my child within

Healing from trauma

Courage Coaching

HELPING YOU TAKE THAT FIRST STEP

sweety5225's Blog

My thoughts about Depression, suicide and living

trsimplicity

The musing of a country wife learning about farm life, homeschooling and honoring God in my new life.

Light-bites For Your Heart

Seeing God's wisdom shine through every circumstance

Ben's Bitter Blog

"We make bitter better."

Sambrano Times

Alexia Sambrano, editor, writer, intersectional feminist

Certainly Comment

questions concerns comments

Mark Geoffrey Kirshner

Human Rights Advocate and Electronic Editorial Journalist :focus on issuesues of Women s Rights, Human Rights in Iran, Founder: Tenth Wall Defense of Baha'i s in Iran and #TenthWall

PEMBANGUNAN MENERANGI DAN MENCERDASKAN

Jln Gereja Moria RT25 RW06 Kelurahan Liliba Kupang NTT

Sweet Dreams & Rude Awakenings

sweetdreamsxxxrudeawakenings.wordpress.com

Aui's Writings

Read, Write and Heal

Good Time Stories

Inspiring and Heartwarming Stories

%d bloggers like this: