By: A Survivor Not a Victim
April 21, 2016
You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
A.A. Milne
This quote has always been a favorite of mine since as far back as I can remember. Since being raped and disclosing that to people, both people who I wanted to and publicly (before I felt ready – to raise money for The Boston Area Rape Crisis Center), additionally, having to look for a roommate, they all ask why my roommate is gone, and I can’t lie. In the roommate situation, I start by saying that the court removed him, but they always ask why, and I can’t and will not lie about that for two reasons: 1. I don’t lie. Ever. It makes me feel awful, and I am not good at hiding my inner emotions and feelings. 2. this is going to be an ongoing court dilemma, no matter what way you slice it, that I am going to make sure of, so any future roommate will/could potentially find out the real reason. I refuse to be made a liar!
Everyone who has been made aware has said (friend, family, acquaintance, friend I don’t talk with much, or stranger) something along the lines of “That is awful, I am so sorry…xyz…” Even today, while speaking with a woman from my local senator’s office, she said something along the lines of, ” I think that you are so strong and brave for standing up for yourself, advocating, and fighting for yourself; it is very brave of you, and I am glad that you are doing that, and you should keep fighting.” This was not the first time I had been told something like this. I have been told similar remarks from family, friends, BARCC staff, volunteers, and other services I have sought to help me. I don’t know why it has taken this long, with so many people telling me the same thing in different ways (and even the same words) to believe it, but I am finally starting to understand.
Every day I research about rape. I know that so many victims do not come forward, fight, or even talk about it, and I know exactly why! What makes me different? Maybe I should credit the person who molested me as a child? Or maybe I am strong-willed, or perhaps I don’t know. There is so much stigma, pain, and anguish attached to reporting and fighting, but at the same time, I can’t bear what comes along with being silent. I pass no judgment on what other victims choose to do because I am not in their shoes; I am not them. I support a victim and their right to choose the best option for them PERIOD! And to hell with what anyone else thinks!!! We are not all the same, our coping is not all the same (mine is not good right now), and our individual experiences and life in general are not the same. I get it, why people want to stay silent; there are a million and a half reasons. I feel that it is my duty to do something to help to stop rapists in their tracks the best I can. I don’t know why; I just do. And I plan to be successful with that or at least improve it before my time on this earth is complete.
I am just feeling so grateful for the support from family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, people helping me, followers, and readers of my blog; it is all of you who have been driving my strength that I feel like I didn’t have (oh, and I cannot forget, the undying love and affection and extra everything my two dogs have been giving me since I have been raped even though that includes their heightened awareness and stress which has lead to more barking than usual causing me more stress, but I know that they mean well) If it wasn’t for all of you equally, I can honestly say that I would not be here today. And for that, I am truly grateful!
A Survivor Not a Victim 