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Healing,  oh it is such a strange process. It’s like one step forward and two steps back.
I  live in the apartment that I was raped in by my former roommate.  I have two dog’s,  and wasn’t planning on moving,  therefore I don’t have the funds to move.
I’m constantly haunted.  By flashbacks,  his face, things that he said. ..it’s awful.  And it’s like,  as soon as I feel that I am making progress,  I get thrown two steps back with flashbacks,  memories,  visions and nightmares.  I have completely changed my room,  the room that I was raped in, but that doesn’t always help. It’s like a never ending nightmare!
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One thing about me that is definitely unique,  and I know that some people might think that this sounds crazy,  but I can feel other people’s energy.  I have always been this way,  and when I was a kid,  I didn’t know it at the time,  so I  assumed that I was the one with the anxiety  (which I actually do have ) and all the other crazy emotions that I was getting from other people,  and mistaking them as my own. It wasn’t until I was about 28 thatI met a dear friend of mine who actually knows about all this “stuff” and the more I talked with her about it, and the more I researched on my own  was when I discovered that I actually do possess this weird capability.
Let me give you an example.  Let’s say that I am at a family gathering,  and someone who is typically full of anxious energy on a  normal basis is coming,  but has not arrived.  I  will know immediately when that person arrives by the shift of energy in the environment without even hearing or seeing that person.  This also works on a room full of strangers,  particularly if someone has very strong negative or positive energy.  I has happened so many times that I have lost count.
My problem is that I don’t listen to myself and second guess myself.
When I met my previous roommate,  he was polite,  well mannered,  but something inside me said. ..nope!. I  asked three other people who declined my offer.  Since I couldn’t put my finger on my reservations about him, out of desperation I asked him to be my roommate.  I  should have listened to myself.
Now I am looking for a new roommate,  and I intend to listen this time. Actually,  I just sent a rental application to the landlord.  Initially,  I said to myself “no straight male roommate’s “. But honestly,  prior to my rape,  I prefer living with guy’s.  Not to mention,  the thought of being raped by a roommate never ever occurred to me.
I have been on a paid app. I received a message from a guy shortly after I signed up.  But at that time,  I  was deleting all messages from men. Recently, I have been open to at least meeting them . I  sent a message to this same guy who was still looking for a place.  I  met him. I got a very positive vibe from him. My dog Hercules loved him and stopped barking immediately.  And he has really kind eyes. I  think eyes tell a lot about a person.
I  hope that my landlord approves his application.  Maybe once someone moves in, things will change and these horrible memories  and flashbacks will start to fade away.
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