On the outside I pretended that I am fine.
But inside. … inside I am dying!
Every day is a struggle. Every night is a nightmare!
I don’t know how much more I can take
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Healing, oh it is such a strange process. It’s like one step forward and two steps back.
I live in the apartment that I was raped in by my former roommate. I have two dog’s, and wasn’t planning on moving, therefore I don’t have the funds to move.
I’m constantly haunted. By flashbacks, his face, things that he said. ..it’s awful. And it’s like, as soon as I feel that I am making progress, I get thrown two steps back with flashbacks, memories, visions and nightmares. I have completely changed my room, the room that I was raped in, but that doesn’t always help. It’s like a never ending nightmare!
One thing about me that is definitely unique, and I know that some people might think that this sounds crazy, but I can feel other people’s energy. I have always been this way, and when I was a kid, I didn’t know it at the time, so I assumed that I was the one with the anxiety (which I actually do have ) and all the other crazy emotions that I was getting from other people, and mistaking them as my own. It wasn’t until I was about 28 thatI met a dear friend of mine who actually knows about all this “stuff” and the more I talked with her about it, and the more I researched on my own was when I discovered that I actually do possess this weird capability.
Let me give you an example. Let’s say that I am at a family gathering, and someone who is typically full of anxious energy on a normal basis is coming, but has not arrived. I will know immediately when that person arrives by the shift of energy in the environment without even hearing or seeing that person. This also works on a room full of strangers, particularly if someone has very strong negative or positive energy. I has happened so many times that I have lost count.
My problem is that I don’t listen to myself and second guess myself.
When I met my previous roommate, he was polite, well mannered, but something inside me said. ..nope!. I asked three other people who declined my offer. Since I couldn’t put my finger on my reservations about him, out of desperation I asked him to be my roommate. I should have listened to myself.
Now I am looking for a new roommate, and I intend to listen this time. Actually, I just sent a rental application to the landlord. Initially, I said to myself “no straight male roommate’s “. But honestly, prior to my rape, I prefer living with guy’s. Not to mention, the thought of being raped by a roommate never ever occurred to me.
I have been on a paid app. I received a message from a guy shortly after I signed up. But at that time, I was deleting all messages from men. Recently, I have been open to at least meeting them . I sent a message to this same guy who was still looking for a place. I met him. I got a very positive vibe from him. My dog Hercules loved him and stopped barking immediately. And he has really kind eyes. I think eyes tell a lot about a person.
I hope that my landlord approves his application. Maybe once someone moves in, things will change and these horrible memories and flashbacks will start to fade away.
Since my rape on February 14, 2016, I have been experiencing horrific nightmares! Sometimes they are about him, other times they are are about men that I know raping me, but last night was the most disturbing nightmare that I have ever had in my life!! EVER!
I can still vividly remember every detail, sight, sound, feeling, taste, emotion. Pardon my language, but it was fucking horrifying!! Initially I was going to write in detail about it, but first of all, no one needs to hear about it, two, I am sure that plenty of people have actually been through something like it, for real, thankfully mine was just a dream, although it truly felt real.
To give a very brief summary, it was a kidnapping gang rape. It was like it was actually happening and I could not wake up! I actually had an appointment with my counselor yesterday, yet this nightmare chapped last night, so I didn’t even get to talk with her about it. I know with dreams, usually you tend to forget the details as the day goes on….so not the case here, I could write a full in-depth report on this nightmare. I can still hear the voices, feel being brutalized, taste what I cannot even begin to talk about. It was horrifying and traumatizing.
I just got off the phone with the rape crisis hotline. She was very helpful and gave me some suggestions to help me sleep tonight (last night. ..I fell asleepwhile trying to finish this post so yeah!). However, my fear is that my subconscious mind is going to pick up where it left off an that scares me. I am terrified to fall asleep still.
Why do I continue to have dreams like this, and why are they getting progressively worse? I do not understand?
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