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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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Flashbacks

Hauntings

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Healing,  oh it is such a strange process. It’s like one step forward and two steps back.
I  live in the apartment that I was raped in by my former roommate.  I have two dog’s,  and wasn’t planning on moving,  therefore I don’t have the funds to move.
I’m constantly haunted.  By flashbacks,  his face, things that he said. ..it’s awful.  And it’s like,  as soon as I feel that I am making progress,  I get thrown two steps back with flashbacks,  memories,  visions and nightmares.  I have completely changed my room,  the room that I was raped in, but that doesn’t always help. It’s like a never ending nightmare!
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One thing about me that is definitely unique,  and I know that some people might think that this sounds crazy,  but I can feel other people’s energy.  I have always been this way,  and when I was a kid,  I didn’t know it at the time,  so I  assumed that I was the one with the anxiety  (which I actually do have ) and all the other crazy emotions that I was getting from other people,  and mistaking them as my own. It wasn’t until I was about 28 thatI met a dear friend of mine who actually knows about all this “stuff” and the more I talked with her about it, and the more I researched on my own  was when I discovered that I actually do possess this weird capability.
Let me give you an example.  Let’s say that I am at a family gathering,  and someone who is typically full of anxious energy on a  normal basis is coming,  but has not arrived.  I  will know immediately when that person arrives by the shift of energy in the environment without even hearing or seeing that person.  This also works on a room full of strangers,  particularly if someone has very strong negative or positive energy.  I has happened so many times that I have lost count.
My problem is that I don’t listen to myself and second guess myself.
When I met my previous roommate,  he was polite,  well mannered,  but something inside me said. ..nope!. I  asked three other people who declined my offer.  Since I couldn’t put my finger on my reservations about him, out of desperation I asked him to be my roommate.  I  should have listened to myself.
Now I am looking for a new roommate,  and I intend to listen this time. Actually,  I just sent a rental application to the landlord.  Initially,  I said to myself “no straight male roommate’s “. But honestly,  prior to my rape,  I prefer living with guy’s.  Not to mention,  the thought of being raped by a roommate never ever occurred to me.
I have been on a paid app. I received a message from a guy shortly after I signed up.  But at that time,  I  was deleting all messages from men. Recently, I have been open to at least meeting them . I  sent a message to this same guy who was still looking for a place.  I  met him. I got a very positive vibe from him. My dog Hercules loved him and stopped barking immediately.  And he has really kind eyes. I  think eyes tell a lot about a person.
I  hope that my landlord approves his application.  Maybe once someone moves in, things will change and these horrible memories  and flashbacks will start to fade away.
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Tortured Mind

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This tortured mind of mine won’t rest

Anxiety, depression, thoughts of terror possessed

Repulsive memories flash through my mind

In bits and pieces discombobulated and intertwined.

Day’s are dark,  and night grow blacker with each sleep,  leaving me breathless, restless, petrified and fatigued.

With each passing night the nightmares take fight

And every passing day,  the flashbacks come out to play

There is no end in sight to this tournaments ignite

Each breath that I take, and blink that I make I wish for abrogation!

Alas, forlorn my hopes and efforts

As tortured mind, a tortured being, a toured soul, attains no rest

 

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Flashbacks…A Good Thing? ??

This article is from http://www.recoveryourlife.com/plugins/p2075_news/printarticle.php?p2075_articleid=1

While some of the information is helpful,  I couldn’t help but become furious when they say that flashbacks are a good sign.  Seriously?  I am a smart, well educated woman, and I highly doubt that the author of this article was ever raped.  If she or he was, …. the English language is comprised of so many words,  they could have chosen more appropriate language that would have conveyed the same message.

Initially I was going to post the entire article,  but I am clearly partial now. I just think that it had so much great and helpful information,  and was ruined by saying flashbacks are good.

Even if they are,  personally, I don’t want to re-live my rape every single day at random times! I don’t find that helpful at all.

Maybe I am being too harsh,  I did post the link because there is some great information there.

And, not all people are the same.  I am sure that there are thousands of survivors that actually need to hear those words.

It is a great article despite my personal one (small ) issue with it.

I would actually love to hear feedback, positive or negative on the article and/or my post.  All comments are welcome and appreciated.

4f6b69e08e5050de8fee857211a5ecef

 

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