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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

Category

PTSD

I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW

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I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW! I JUST WANT TO SHUT MY BRAIN OFF!!!

I hate what you did to me. I  hate how I feel.  I hate how I can’t sleep.  I hate how I can’t eat.  I hate that I get flashbacks.  And images of your disgusting face in my mind.  I  hate who I have become,  someone I don’t know,  or like, or can even define.

I  was once so viscous, full of life,  complete, and content.  You took that away in a moments notice with no warning or accord.

I can’t concentrate,  I have nightmares,  I am jumpy and on edge.  I’m constantly looking over my shoulder,  I am scared and tormented.

I wish I could just sleep.  Sleep until these feelings go away,  but even sleep is not peaceful,  for forever in my mind you stay.

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DARK AND WITHERING

The joy in my life has ceased

A veil of tenebrosity ensues

What has my life disparaged to

How can one man incite so much anguish

For a person should not have the kind of power over you

Yet, when a person defiles you, that assertion does not hold true.

To have your boundaries disregarded is unexplainable to convey

I force a smile for all the world too see

But on the inside I’m withering, and as dark as can be.


wither___by_xjnfr-d6uvik6

Image borrowed by;

http://www.deviantart.com/tag/wither

DEFEATED

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Exhaustion, depression, anxiety,  tribulation, indignation and preoccupation is my current state

For I cower at the thought that I don’t know  how much more my soul can take

Strong, resilient, vivacious I was

Now  transformed into a defeated faux pas

How long will this semblance persist

Every breath I take makes me not want to exist

My body is distressed, it’s toilsome to move

My mind  is wearisome and incompetent, not seeming to improve.

I’m so tired  from insufficient sleep, that if I can’t attain proper slumber,  I fear what will ensue

When will this cease,  when will I ameliorate, when will I no longer be a woman that I hate

 

Sleep Won’t Come

It’s nearly midnight and I should be sleeping

But thoughts of anxiety and anguish penetrate my mind, they are creeping.

As the ebon circles under my eyes grow darker

My cognizance distorts to a despondent state of preoccupancy

Resulting in kaput days that feel long

And  shuddersome causing me to waken in hostility.

As each day my face  grows more pale

My circles more prominent

But sleep won’t come

As I drift off, I’m suddenly roused with sweat and nightmares

My soul feels hopeless

As night turns into day

Now it’s too late

And off to work  I go in my wretched state

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