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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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Anger

How I Feel After Being Raped; The ABC’s

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Awful

Broken

Choked 

Damaged

Emotional 

Fearful 

Guilty 

Hurt

Insignificant 

Jittery 

Kaput

Lost

Mutilated 

Nervous 

Overwhelmed 

Paralyzed 

Queasy

Restless 

Suicidal

Tired 

Undefinable

Violated 

Weak

X – is his name ie THE RAPIST 

Yucky

Zero

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After Being Raped; I Don’t Think I Will Ever Heal

Trigger warning : graphic images

I chose to make this a visual post.  I have no problem expressing myself with words,  but sometimes,  visual depictions do what word’s cannot.

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Wish I Could Just Erase The Horrible Memories

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I’m so exhausted.  Physically, emotionally,  and spirituality.  I use to be so full of life.

I was that women,  where no matter where I go, people tend to  flock to me. Maybe it’s because I always gave off such positive energy,  or that I was always smiling,  maybe I had a light inside me.

I don’t want this disgusting excuse for a human being to be the reason why my light goes out. But it’s just so incredibly challenging to cope.

For example,  today,  one of my favorite clients came in for a meeting.  He came in with two other gentleman.  I was how I would normally be  (they are clients,  and I am trying to be like “normal”anyway at work,  but it is hard.  Especially on 4 or less hours of sleep a night for over a month now). I  smiled,  I  small talked, etc. When they were leaving,  one of the men said, ” Now I know why ******** likes coming here so much ” . That made me feel happy,  and he said it right in front of one of the owners of the company I work for.

But later in the day it made me feel sad. Sad because of all the energy it took for me to have those small, short interactions,  when normally that is just how I am.

I just want to erase my brain from what happened on February 14th.

I Wish I Could Do More About This!

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If you follow my blog,  you know that the DA is not pressing charges against my rapist.  This is not fair, and it happens to far too many people!  I am so angry that I struggle every day just to function,  while he gets to live his life.

I wish that there was something I could do. A way to convince the DA that this happened,  and a way to help them prove the case.  He RAPED ME and he should be held responsible!  I know that this wouldn’t change anything that happened,  but I am so sick of rapists getting away scott free! I read about it literally every single day in my research.  It is sickening.

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How are we supposed to start to end rape,  when rapists are continuously not being prosecuted,  or are being aquitted. Why are they always assumed innocent,  and the victim is assumed guilty?  It is an atrocity! Things will never change until we start holding these monsters accountable for their actions.

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I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW

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I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW! I JUST WANT TO SHUT MY BRAIN OFF!!!

I hate what you did to me. I  hate how I feel.  I hate how I can’t sleep.  I hate how I can’t eat.  I hate that I get flashbacks.  And images of your disgusting face in my mind.  I  hate who I have become,  someone I don’t know,  or like, or can even define.

I  was once so viscous, full of life,  complete, and content.  You took that away in a moments notice with no warning or accord.

I can’t concentrate,  I have nightmares,  I am jumpy and on edge.  I’m constantly looking over my shoulder,  I am scared and tormented.

I wish I could just sleep.  Sleep until these feelings go away,  but even sleep is not peaceful,  for forever in my mind you stay.

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