A Survivor Not a Victim

I know that it has been a long time since I have posted, and that I have not been posting daily as per usual.

I have been in such a dark dark place. It has been just about 4 months since he raped me. My dreams, flashbacks, sleeping issues, concentration, eating issues, etc. are really not improving much at all. I am beyond exhausted, physically, mentally and spiritually.  Feeling like this is new to me (I am not speaking to feeling like being raped…or I suppose maybe in a way I am). By nature I am a happy positive person. In my life, I have dealt with many downs, some very dark and very bad (like everyone). That being said, I have always had the ability to bounce back quickly, see the positive, and not live in despair. I am(or should I say WAS)  like that annoying stereotypical happy person that pessimists and people who are in a bad or fair mood detest…lol.

I don’t know how to deal with all that I am feeling, and in certain cases, what I am not feeling. I don’t know how to focus like this, I don’t know how to stop the nightmares, the flashbacks, the looking over my shoulder, the always being jumpy. I am sinking deeper and deeper into sadness, despair, confusion, and un-expressible emotions. I have never in my life ever been like this and it scares me. If there is one thing I know, it is self expression and communication. This is uncharted territory.

I have not been able to take pleasure in things that I like since February, and now, I can’t even bring myself to blog. Blogging has been my outlet. I am very concerned about what is happening with me. I am, have been and am continuing to seek help, but nothing seems to be improving. I am anxious about what the upcoming months are going to bring.

I just really feel that I am broken and damaged beyond repair right now.