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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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despair

Can’t Even Describe How I Am Feeling

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I know that it has been a long time since I have posted, and that I have not been posting daily as per usual.

I have been in such a dark dark place. It has been just about 4 months since heimages (1) raped me. My dreams, flashbacks, sleeping issues, concentration, eating issues, etc. are really not improving much at all. I am beyond exhausted, physically, mentally and spiritually.  Feeling like this is new to me (I am not speaking to feeling like being raped…or I suppose maybe in a way I am). By nature I am a happy positive person. In my life, I have dealt with many downs, some very dark and very bad (like everyone). That being said, I have always had the ability to bounce back quickly, see the positive, and not live in despair. I am(or should I say WAS)  like that annoying stereotypical happy person that pessimists and people who are in a bad or fair mood detest…lol.

I don’t know how to deal with all that I am feeling, and in certain cases, what I am not feelintumblr_myw1514Y3s1t5u7l9o1_500g. I don’t know how to focus like this, I don’t know how to stop the nightmares, the flashbacks, the looking over my shoulder, the always being jumpy. I am sinking deeper and deeper into sadness, despair, confusion, and un-expressible emotions. I have never in my life ever been like this and it scares me. If there is one thing I know, it is self expression and communication. This is uncharted territory.

 

I have not been able to take pleasure in things that I like since February, and now, I can’t even bring myself to blog. Blogging has been my outlet. I am very concerned about what is happening with me. I am, have been and am continuing to seek help, but nothing seems to be improving. I am anxious about what the upcoming months are going to bring.note_to_myself_i_miss_you_by_velvetlusia

I just really feel that I am broken and damaged beyond repair right now.

Feel Like I’m Starting To Loose The Will To Live

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I  feel so defeated, so anxious,  stressed,  fearful and…I don’t even know.  I  also feel like my job of four years is in jeopardy.

I’ve always been a smart and successful person who never gives up! This is not me now. I don’t know who this is,  and I fear that I will never know that women again.

I  can feel it, deep down,  despite my family and friends who love me. Despite my dog’s who love and need me, I  feel that I am slipping away.  I’m afraid that my strength is running out. I  don’t want to leave my loved ones behind,  but the truth draws closer,  a person can only take so much,  and I am barely hanging on by a  single thread.

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I Just Don’t Know What To Do Anymore

 

I am approaching the end of my rope and I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t take it, I can’t cope. I have done everything right, and nothing is working out for me. On top of that, I am seeking help, sharing my story, both here, and with family and friends in person, I am seeking counseling, and nothing is bringing ease to my pain and suffering, I am not feeling any better!

I am admits the pit of deep dark and despair, with no hope or glimmer of light. I have been through a lot of tough times in my life (and no, I am not talking about love struggles, but I do know first hand how terribly awful those are and can be), so I am no stranger to dark times. I have always remained positive and came out ok…this time, I am getting worried, I have never in my life felt such despair, such anguish, such….just at a loss of words (which for me is not at all typical!).

I don’t know how much longer I can continue like this. I keep looking at my two little dog’s, the only reason why I have not relinquished hope and given up right now, but it is getting harder and harder to function, live, breathe…..I just don’t know what to do.

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