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I’m (We Are ALL) Living In Rape Culture; This Conversation Actually Happened Last Night

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Last night I was talking with a “friend” who I had previously confided about being raped. We were talking because I was upset, I am having such a hard time moving on. My life is a mess, I am not myself, and I feel ruined.

As we were talking she said, “How do you even know for sure that you were raped? How do you know that is the whole story? What he did was wrong, but how do you know for sure that it was rape? You said yourself that you were so drunk, and you woke up to him on top of you and in you. How do you know that you were’t black out? I don’t think if a person is drunk that it really can be rape”

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Are you FUCKING ME?!?!?! I told her that regardless, even though I completely disagree with her, I told him no that night, that “I was never going to sleep with him” What he did WAS rape. I did not give consent, in fact I already told him no earlier, and I was not in a position to give consent. She said that I was drunk, and that I should have never gotten in the bed with him in the fist place….I was completely shocked to be hearing  this…from her. He was in my bed, in my room. I didn’t know why, I as shitfaced, tired, and figured that since I knew I made it clear that I would never have sex, that I had nothing to worry about. I was wearing clothes…it isn’t like I went to bed naked!! I had no idea that he would do that to me. And I couldn’t believe what she was saying. We argued about this for an hour, and it just made me sick. She really thinks that if a person is drunk, they cannot be raped. 

I have been a mess all day. I already feel like shit, and cannot cope with what happened, then I hear this from a supposed “friend” who was “trying to help”. What she is doing is victim blaming, making excuses for rapists, and saying that it is ok to rape drunk people.

I was raped, I have not doubt about it. There is no other explanation, no excuse. It doesn’t matter if I was drunk, he raped me, period, end of story. If this is what a “friend” thinks of certain types of rape situations, then what does the majority of society think. This is a prime example of rape culture….and it needs to end!

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Yes Rape Culture Exists; And If You Really Can’t See It, You Are Part Of The PROBLEM

This article gives great insight and examples to rape culture today.  I have copied and pasted it for your convenience.  Source below :

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/womens-blog/2014/feb/14/rape-culture-damage-it-does-everyday-sexism

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This is rape culture – and look at the damage it does

We live in a world where sexual assault can be dismissed with jokes or excuses, even used in a chatup line or plastered across a T-shirt. The UK rape statistics are shocking, and so are these harrowing reports to the Everyday Sexism Project

Laura Bates

Friday 14 February 2014 07.42 EST

What do we mean when we say “rape culture”? You may have heard the term used recently. It describes a culture in which rape and sexual assault are common (in the UK over 85,000 women are raped and 400,000 sexually assaulted every single year). It describes a culture in which dominant social norms belittledismissjoke about or even seem to condone rape and sexual assault. It describes a culture in which the normalisation of rape and sexual assault are so great that often victims are blamed, either implicitly or explicitly, when these crimes are committed against them. A culture in which other factors such as media objectification make it easier to see women as dehumanised objects for male sexual purposes alone.

It’s part of rape culture when “I’m feeling rapey” T-shirts are put up for sale on eBay. Or when a member of a University sports team goes out in a “casual rape” shirt, or another team plays a game called: “It’s not rape if …”

It’s part of rape culture when a child victim of sexual abuse is accused of being complicit and somehow “egging” on her abuser in the court case against him. It’s rape culture that makes it so hard for male victims to speak out too, because hand-in-hand with the dismissal of rape as a hilarious joke goes the stigmatisation of male rape victims as effeminate, impotent or non-existent.

Sometimes it’s hard to recognise or understand rape culture without hearing real-life examples of how it impacts on everyday lives, starting from an incredibly young age:


 Jill Nicholls @JillNicholls01

@EverydaySexism #followed home from primary school by gang of boys saying they’d rape me – didn’t know what it meant but was scared – ran

9:23 AM – 2 Mar 2013


Tasha Berg @TashaHugs

@EverydaySexism Overheard young boy on bus saying – “I’ll rape your mum so bad she can’t walk”. Sickening!

12:34 PM – 11 Feb 2014


It means that the discussion and threat of rape becomes an acceptable part of public discourse:


Rini Sardesai @ProjectReinette

@EverydaySexism Can’t go out for walks around my house bc routinely harassed, called names, and told that I need to be raped. Lovely stuff.

6:12 AM – 8 Aug 2013


Anna @Lethal_Brows

@EverydaySexism My coworker was walking me to my car after my closing shift, I thanked him and he laughed & said he could rape me right now.

10:51 AM – 23 Oct 2013


And the idea of rape becomes fair game for public jokes:


Angela Barnes @AngelaBarnes

Genuine chat up scene unfolding on this train: Boy: do you have a rape alarm?
Girl: yes
Boy: shame
I despair for humanity. @EverydaySexism

6:14 PM – 1 Feb 2014

 


Rape culture suggests that men have a ‘right’ to women’s bodies, thus undermining the concept of consent:


EmINy @Despairbunny

@EverydaySexism Guy I used to go out with decides he wants to restart stuff between us. When I decline he threatens to rape me #ShoutingBack

2:36 PM – 8 Jan 2013


This leads to common misconceptions about women “asking for it” or “wanting it”, even if they explicitly say otherwise:


Chocoholic Girl @chazzyb31

@EverydaySexism At a party with bf, met his friend & pregnant gf. Friend follows me into toilets & says he’s going to rape me bcs I want it.


3:09 PM – 2 Sep 2013— ♀Tw¡nk Sl¡thersby♀ (@Twinklecrepe)October 23, 2013

@EverydaySexism I was raped by a coworker. I told my boss about it; she said it wasn’t rape and implied I actually wanted it


This leads to public speculation about whether victims’ dress or behaviour could be to blame for their own assaults:


— elin who (@therosetylah)F

ebruary 11, 2014

@EverydaySexism two girls in my class were talking about how you’d only have yourself to blame for getting raped if you wore a short skirt


— Catherine (@Scathach_81)February 2, 2014

@EverydaySexism A former magistrate blames short skirts for rape on #bbctbqWelcome to 21st century Britain. #VictimBlaming


— Wolf Mommy (@Wolf_Mommy)July 30, 2013

When a man told me breastfeeding my baby in public is going to get me raped.@EverydaySexism


This shifts all the focus onto victims, while perpetrators are not addressed at all:


— The Family Buisness (@Sarah_Watsons)June 16, 2013

@EverydaySexism ever since I was little my mum told me how to not get raped but I have never heard her once tell my 2 brothers not to rape.


Rape culture can permeate every area of a woman’s life, from the pavement:


— Katie McArthur (@grrumblecakes)March 6, 2013

And FURIOUS that there are people alive who think threatening to rape me on my way to work is a funny joke #everydaysexism


To the workplace:


— AM (@adorrissey)June 17, 2013

@EverydaySexism upon hearing I was 19 and a virgin, my coworker suggested I “needed to get raped.”


From the classroom:


— Ellen Steenkamp (@EllenSteenkamp)April 18, 2013

@EverydaySexism At age 11 classmate on schooltrip stated that ‘no-one would rape me anyway cuz I’m too ugly’. Others only laughed at that


To our own homes and families:


— honey-senpai (@kawaiifriend)June 15, 2013

@EverydaySexism bought an open back t shirt for a concert a month ago; my father told me the shirt screamed “rape me”


As the word starts to lose its meaning, it becomes harder and harder to object to rape culture:— Charlie Price (@charliecat82)March 27, 2013

@EverydaySexism #LadCulture being told by an ex-boyfriend that he’d like to rape me and then he didn’t get why I was angry.


Worst of all, the widespread and normalised nature of rape culture makes it increasingly hard for victims to speak out, as they learn to believe they won’t be taken seriously, or are dismissed when they do:


— Amanda Tall (@AmandaLDTall)June 15, 2013

On a nearly empty metro 4 men shouted they wanted to rape me. Scary but we’re not meant to make a fuss so didn’t tell anyone @EverydaySexism


— Lorg Mo Chearta (@BriMonroeCarter)December 13, 2012

@EverydaySexism I was 15 & my rape happened at a party. Never reported it because I knew I would get blamed&no would believe me. #RapeIsRape


— Chitra Nagarajan (@chitranagarajan)March 13, 2012

#ididnotreport because I thought I was overreacting – when being followed by groups of men and threatened with rape


— Vidyut (@Vidyut)June 18, 2013

the usual. RT @THELOUDERMOUTH@EverydaySexism When I told friends I was raped, they said I ‘should have been more careful.’ #shoutingback


The cycle is perpetuated as victims are silenced and blamed, the crime normalised, and perpetrators completely ignored.

This is rape culture.

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Rape

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rape1

noun

1.

unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.

This is the definition of RAPE

“with or without force”
“without consent of the victim”
So…then why is our justice system so unresponsive and unwilling to prosecute perpetrators of this heinous crime?!?!
Worldwide – THIS IS A HUGE PROBLEM!
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Adrienne Truscott; Her Comedy Act Jokes About Rape – But Not In The Way You Might Think

A must see

Carl-Fredrik Arndt & Peter Jonsson; True Hero’s

Full Article & Video

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/06/07/the-swedish-stanford-students-who-rescued-an-unconscious-sexual-assault-victim-speak-out/

 

Carl-Fredrik Arndt and Peter Jonsson are the two young men who came to the rescue of the victim of the rapist – Brock Turner.

What these men did is something that everyone should realistically be doing for one another…looking out for each other. That being said, many people find it hard to get involved; whether it is because they are scared, worried that it is not their business, or that they simply just don’t care.

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Not only did these hero’s witness and stop the rape in progress, they chased the rapist down and held him until officers arrived. That is just beyond admirable. This world needs more people like these two young men.

While both Carl and Peter initially choose not to comment on this issue, once supports of the rapist began to “bash” the victim, they choose to publicly provide an account of what they saw that night.

 

“We can see that she isn’t moving at all but he is moving a lot. So we stop and think that there is something strange going on,” – Carl Fredrik Arndt

 

“Peter walks over and asks what he is doing and I am following him. When he stand up we see that she still isn’t moving, even the slightest, so we approach and ask something like: ‘What the hell are you doing?’” – Carl Fredrik Arndt

 

When Peter received the letter from the victim he posted it on his Facebook and encouraged others to read it.

“Thanks to everyone, friends and strangers, for all the encouragement and support over the last days and months. At this point I will not publicly comment on the process or the outcome of the trial. However, I do ask all of you to spare a few minutes and read this letter written by the Victim.”

“To me it is unique in its form and comes as close as you can possibly get to putting words on an experience that words cannot describe.” Peter Jonsson

 

Carl and Peter speak out on what the “sex offenders supports had to say” in the attached video (link at top of page). These men are very admirable in my opinion. Even though the rapist got pretty much a slap on the wrist, the sad truth is that if it wasn’t for their actions, the chances of the rapist getting a sentence far less sever to possibly the case not even making it to court is a sad reality many victims have to face every day. 

This woman had all the right circumstances, she wound up in the hospital (though if you read the full story it is devastating that someone had to explain to her what happened to her) she had witnesses. None if this makes it any easier for her at all, but it creates a very strong case for court. Many, like mine, will never make it past a DA’s desk. My point is despite all that, the creep still get’s off easy. Anyone who is a supporter of Brock Turner the rapist, or anyone who has raped is a supporter of rape themselves. I commend Carl and Peter, and all individuals who take a stand in the face of and the fight against rape.

 

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Lot’s of Men are Rape Victims Too

[ A New York Times Article]
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/24/health/as-victims-men-struggle-for-rape-awareness.html  

Men Struggle for Rape Awareness

By RONI CARYN RABINJAN. 23, 2012

24RAPE-jumbo

How a Ball Powers a

This ball harnesses energy from play and stores it for later.

ASSAULTED Keith Smith of East Windsor, N.J., was raped when he was a 14-year-old hitchhiker.CreditMichael Nagle for The New York Times

Keith Smith was 14 when he was raped by a driver who picked him up after a hockey team meeting. He had hitchhiked home, which is why, for decades, he continued to blame himself for the assault.

When the driver barreled past Hartley’s Pork Pies on the outskirts of Providence, R.I., where Mr. Smith had asked to be dropped off, and then past a firehouse, he knew something was wrong.

“I tried to open the car door, but he had rigged the lock,” said Mr. Smith, of East Windsor, N.J., now 52. Still, he said, “I had no idea it was going to be a sexual assault.”

Even today, years after the disclosure of the still-unfolding child abuse scandal in the Catholic Church and the arrest of a former Pennsylvania State University assistant football coach accused of sexually abusing boys,rape is widely thought of as a crime against women.

Until just a few weeks ago, when the federal government expanded its definition of rape to include a wider range of sexual assaults, national crime statistics on rape included only assaults against women and girls committed by men under a narrow set of circumstances. Now they will also include male victims.

While most experts agree women are raped far more often than men, 1.4 percent of men in a recent national survey said they had been raped at some point. The study, by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, found that when rape was defined as oral or anal penetration, one in 71 men said they had been raped or had been the target of attempted rape, usually by a man they knew. (The study did not include men in prison.)

And one in 21 said they had been forced to penetrate an acquaintance or a partner, usually a woman; had been the victim of an attempt to force penetration; or had been made to receive oral sex.

Other estimates have run even higher. A Department of Justice report found that 3 percent of men, or one in 33, had been raped. Some experts believe that one in six men have experienced unwanted sexual contact of some kind as minors.

But for many men, the subject is so discomfiting that it is rarely discussed — virtually taboo, experts say, because of societal notions about masculinity and the idea that men are invulnerable and can take care of themselves.

“We have a cultural blind spot about this,” said David Lisak, a clinical psychologist who has done research on interpersonal violence and sexual abuse and is a founding board member of 1in6, an organization that offers information and services to men who had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences as children.

“We recognize that male children are being abused,” Dr. Lisak said, “but then when boys cross some kind of threshold somewhere in adolescence and become what we perceive to be men, we no longer want to think about it in this way.”

Even when high-profile cases dominate the news, said Mai Fernandez, executive director of the National Center for Victims of Crime advocacy organization in Washington, “attention goes to the things we feel more comfortable talking about — such as whether Penn State had done enough, and what will happen to their football program — and not to the question, ‘What do we do to prevent boys from being sexually assaulted?’ ”

In an interview with The Washington Post this month, Joe Paterno, the Penn State football coach who was fired after the abuse scandal erupted and who died of lung cancer on Sunday, said that when an assistant had told him about witnessing an inappropriate encounter between a young boy and Jerry Sandusky, the former assistant coach who is facing charges of sexual abuse, he had been confused and unsure how to proceed. Mr. Paterno said the assistant “didn’t want to get specific. And to be frank with you, I don’t know that it would have done any good, because I never heard of, of rape and a man.”

Much of the research on the sexual assault of men has focused on prisons. But men are also raped outside of prison, usually by people they know, including acquaintances and intimate partners, but occasionally by complete strangers. They are raped as part of violent, drunken or drug-induced assaults; war crimes; interrogations; antigay bias crimes; and hazing rites for male clubs and organizations, like fraternities, and in the military.

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NIGHTMARES Keith Smith “was waking up screaming” for years after his rape, he said.CreditMichael Nagle for The New York Times

In one study of 3,337 military veterans applying for disability benefits forpost-traumatic stress disorder, 6.5 percent of male combat veterans and 16.5 percent of noncombat veterans reported either in-service or post-service sexual assault. (The rates were far higher for female veterans, 69.0 percent and 86.6 percent respectively.)

A Pentagon report released on Thursday found a 64 percent increase in sexual crimes in the Army since 2006, with rape, sexual assault and forcible sodomy the most frequent violent sex crimes committed last year; 95 percent of all victims were women.

Some studies have reported that the risk of rape is greatest for men who are young, are living in poverty or homeless, or are disabled or mentally ill. The C.D.C. study found that one-quarter of men who had been raped were assaulted before they were 10 , usually by someone they knew.

And young men raised by poor single mothers are especially vulnerable to male predators, said Dr. Zane Gates, an internist who cares for low-income patients on Medicaid at a community health center in Altoona, Pa.

“You’re looking for a male figure in your life desperately, and you’ll give anything for that,” he said.

Eugene Porter, a therapist in Oakland, Calif., and the author of the book “Treating the Young Male Victim of Sexual Assault,” said that while some assailants seek power and dominance, others “find that aggression enhances their sexual experience.”

“There is no arena in which rape takes place between men and women that it does not take place between men and men,” he said.

Like women, men who are raped feel violated and ashamed and may become severely depressed or suicidal. They are at increased risk forsubstance abuse, problems with interpersonal relationships, physical impairments, chronic pain, insomnia and other health problems.

But men also face a challenge to their sense of masculinity. Many feel they should have done more to fight off their attackers. Since they may believe that men are never raped, they may feel isolated and reluctant to confide in anyone. Male rape victims may become confused about their sexual orientation or, if gay and raped by a man, blame their sexual orientation for the rape.

“If you’re sexually assaulted, there’s this idea that you’re no longer a man,” said Neil Irvin, executive director of the organization Men Can Stop Rape. “The violence is ignored, and your sexual orientation and gender are confronted.”

Many rape crisis centers — which often also provide services for victims of domestic violence — do not have the resources to counsel male victims. Remarkably few male victims seek professional help for injuries, screening for sexually transmitted diseases or counseling after an attack, often waiting years or decades.

One study of 705 men in Virginia found that 91, or 13 percent, had been sexually assaulted, a vast majority of them before they turned 18. Fewer than one-fifth of victims had ever received professional services related to the assault.

“Men are affected — they have high rates of P.T.S.D. and depression — but the majority don’t get help,” said Dr. Saba W. Masho, the lead author of the Virginia study and an associate professor of epidemiology and community health at Virginia Commonwealth University. “It’s easy for you and I to talk about it, but when you put yourself in that victim’s shoes, they’re asking, ‘Do I want people to know? How do I seek help? Do I want my doctor to know? Where do I go?’ ”

Mr. Smith told his older brother and father about what had happened as soon as he got home, and the three went to the police to file a report. Mr. Smith had memorized the license plate number of the car, and the owner, who was known to the police because of a conviction for distributing pornography, was arrested. He was killed on the streets of Providence before he could stand trial.

Today, Mr. Smith is a member of the speakers bureau for Rainn, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, which provides online counseling for victims. For years, he said, he suffered from nightmares in which he was fleeing his assailant’s car, scared that the man, who had handed him $10 and dropped him off almost three hours after picking him up, was coming back.

“I was waking up screaming,” he said.


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Hoping This Leads To Something

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So…I have a friend who is very, very politically connected. Up until this point, I have not discussed my rape with this friend. I guess I didn’t even think about it. I mean, I can’t even tell what day it is most day’s.

It was only a matter of time that this friend would discover my recent traumatic event on their own; with all the posts on FB about trying to raise money for “The Walk for a Change” and the fact that I sometimes share posts from this blog on my FB. I also have a link to my blog on my FB.

The other day my friend sent me a message saying that they were sorry and that they had no idea. We discussed. It felt good to talk with this friend, a very dear friend of my whom I love so much.

Today, I received a  message from this person, saying that they wanted to reach out to someone that they know (political connection) but they wanted to know what city I am currently living in, as this person will want to speak with my Senator. Of course I obliged.

Maybe this is finally something that will take me one step closer towards the direction of justice! Either way, after reading that message I felt so happy. Happy that my friend cares about me (I know that I have seen countless others that do, but just to add), and happy that they are in a position to actually help, and are using that!! I am just so grateful! I feelings I felt were relief, even though nothing has even happen, the fact that something could just gives me great hope, and the determination to keep fighting with my head held high! And at a time like this, hope is really hard to come by.

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Hello My Name Is Rapist

” Hello, my name is Rapist,  and I raped my roommate on February 14th 2016. Why do you ask? Two reasons.

Reason number one…I’m not going to tell because that would be no fun.

Reason number two….because I knew that I would get away with it.  Who is going to believe that a successful middle aged man, with a great job history,  no criminal record,  and a Masters degree from an Ivy League University in the USA…. would be capable of raping someone?  No one,  that’s who! And guess what,  no one did! I still can’t believe that she was even able to get a restraining order on me. Do I care that that she didn’t want to sleep with me? Do I care that here word’s were “I will never sleep with you” Haha! Of course not, Because I am Rapist, and I get what I want.

Have I done this before?  I am not sharing that information.  Will I do it again?  What do you think?

I do have a wonderful job at a place that works with the vulnerable population.  My first day was two days after I raped my roommate,  so they will never find out about the domestic restraining order.

I am Rapist,  I  get what I want,  I get away with it,  and I always win.”

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Too Much Focus On “But Are They A Rapist?” And Not Enough On The Victim

17883530-mmmain

I cannot comprehend the society that we live in! Rape is the only crime where IF……and I mean IF….the victim comes forward and reports it, they are treated like a criminal. They are not taken seriously, and the main focus is “Oh, but were you really raped? What were you wearing, were you drinking, doing drugs, flirting, did you date, did you say no, if you said no, did you fight back, could you have fought back harder, why were you alone at night, why did you get in the car, why were you in that situation to begin with, did you get a rape kit – no – WHY…???…etc.

There is such a heavy focus on protecting rapists and their “character” that police, DA’s friends, family don’t want to get involved .

And people wonder why such a small percentage of rapes are actually reported!

I reported my rape, I worked with detectives, and in less than 24 hours, the detective called me and said that the DA was not going to move forward with my case? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!?!? They didn’t even question my rapist!! I was outraged, I had a breakdown on the phone.

Unless things change, Rapists are going to continue to rape at the already alarming rate that they do. Why – because they know that the chances of getting caught, or in trouble are slim to none! This IS RAPE CULTURE.

16046498._SX540_

I am so fed up with reading about how rape culture does not exist. Look at the facts, look at the statistics. As long as the chances of serious consequences are extremely low, it enforces that society does not take rape seriously. People turn a blind eye and until that changes, society is reinforcing that rape is acceptable.

Hardly any rape victims who come forward and seek justice actually get it, me included. Times that by how many rapists there are out there. Now come on, do you seriously think that one person rapes another person just once and never again?!? I am sure that it is happened, but realistically, I don’t believe that is the case with 99.9% of people who have committed the heinous crime of rape.

I don’t want to be apart of a world that reinforces rape, protects rapists, and condemns victims, what kind of world do you want to live in?

And I know that my pictures with the statistics are US statistics, but the reality that rape culture and the reinforcement of it is displayed all over the WORLD!

rape culture

 

A List Of Not What You Can Do To Prevent Getting Raped But….

This is great!  Education regarding rape is all about ” things that you can do to prevent yourself from being raped “

This is terrible because it shows that society accepts rape. It enforces “victim blaming ” when the fact of the matter is, getting raped is not a result of something that you did wrong. It is a result of some POS who enjoy talking power away from people.

I  saw this post on Twitter.  It drives home the point that we need to change how we educate people about rape,  and that the issue is with the rapists.

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Check out @Riahshizzle’s Tweet: https://twitter.com/Riahshizzle/status/693856030216695808?s=09

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