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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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Too Much Focus On “But Are They A Rapist?” And Not Enough On The Victim

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I cannot comprehend the society that we live in! Rape is the only crime where IF……and I mean IF….the victim comes forward and reports it, they are treated like a criminal. They are not taken seriously, and the main focus is “Oh, but were you really raped? What were you wearing, were you drinking, doing drugs, flirting, did you date, did you say no, if you said no, did you fight back, could you have fought back harder, why were you alone at night, why did you get in the car, why were you in that situation to begin with, did you get a rape kit – no – WHY…???…etc.

There is such a heavy focus on protecting rapists and their “character” that police, DA’s friends, family don’t want to get involved .

And people wonder why such a small percentage of rapes are actually reported!

I reported my rape, I worked with detectives, and in less than 24 hours, the detective called me and said that the DA was not going to move forward with my case? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!?!? They didn’t even question my rapist!! I was outraged, I had a breakdown on the phone.

Unless things change, Rapists are going to continue to rape at the already alarming rate that they do. Why – because they know that the chances of getting caught, or in trouble are slim to none! This IS RAPE CULTURE.

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I am so fed up with reading about how rape culture does not exist. Look at the facts, look at the statistics. As long as the chances of serious consequences are extremely low, it enforces that society does not take rape seriously. People turn a blind eye and until that changes, society is reinforcing that rape is acceptable.

Hardly any rape victims who come forward and seek justice actually get it, me included. Times that by how many rapists there are out there. Now come on, do you seriously think that one person rapes another person just once and never again?!? I am sure that it is happened, but realistically, I don’t believe that is the case with 99.9% of people who have committed the heinous crime of rape.

I don’t want to be apart of a world that reinforces rape, protects rapists, and condemns victims, what kind of world do you want to live in?

And I know that my pictures with the statistics are US statistics, but the reality that rape culture and the reinforcement of it is displayed all over the WORLD!

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I Just Don’t Know What To Do Anymore

 

I am approaching the end of my rope and I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t take it, I can’t cope. I have done everything right, and nothing is working out for me. On top of that, I am seeking help, sharing my story, both here, and with family and friends in person, I am seeking counseling, and nothing is bringing ease to my pain and suffering, I am not feeling any better!

I am admits the pit of deep dark and despair, with no hope or glimmer of light. I have been through a lot of tough times in my life (and no, I am not talking about love struggles, but I do know first hand how terribly awful those are and can be), so I am no stranger to dark times. I have always remained positive and came out ok…this time, I am getting worried, I have never in my life felt such despair, such anguish, such….just at a loss of words (which for me is not at all typical!).

I don’t know how much longer I can continue like this. I keep looking at my two little dog’s, the only reason why I have not relinquished hope and given up right now, but it is getting harder and harder to function, live, breathe…..I just don’t know what to do.

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Getting The Short End Of The Stick Continues!!!!!!!!!

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This sucks!!!! Everything sucks, and the hit’s just keep on coming! I have been looking for a roommate for a month now to no avail. Today I received a text from my landlord saying that he has only received half of the rent for this month, and to please let him know by the end of the day when he can expect the rest.

Now, my landlord has been understanding, he knows the situation, and I know regardless, he needs to get paid, so that is not where this is going. The ASSHOLE who raped me is still on the lease, therefor, he is still legally responsible for rent until he is no longer on the lease. I had a conversation with my landlord, we both do not want to get the courts involved, but have decided that if that is necessary, then we will.

I then have been in touch with BARCC today, and will be early next week. So far, it is looking like my options are very limited, a no options are looking to solve the immediate problem at hand .ie: getting my landlord his money asap. Even if I take this scumbag to small claims court, that will take forever to “potentially” get money, and that is only if they decide that I am owed it.

I am so FUCKING ANGRY!!! THIS ASSHOLE HAS MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL, AND THE SHIT LIST CONTINUES TO PILE UP!!! IT ISN’T FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!

You know something,  is it fair that he is legally responsible for rent while he isn’t living here…wahhhh, cry me a river!  Is it fair that he stuck his dick inside a passed out person who already told him that she would never sleep with him?

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If You Are Drunk, & Didn’t Give Prior Consent. …it’s RAPE

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I still struggle with my rape every day.  Yes, I was drunk when he raped me.  Actually,  I was passed out and woke up to him on top and inside me. Bottom line. …I DID NOT GIVE CONSENT!

As a matter of fact, earlier on, before I was wasted,  I specifically told him that I would never sleep with him.

I read this article;

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/6810428/Drunk-women-are-not-fair-game-for-sex-says-rape-review-peer-Baroness-Stern.html

It definitely highlights the fact that just because a person is drunk,  does not mean that you have a pass to have sex with them. It also highlights that law enforcement does not take drunk rape victims seriously.

 

THE WORLD NEEDS A CHANGE

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TOO MANY RAPE VICTIMS

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So, I have been slowly telling family and friends what happened to me.

Last night I decided to tell someone that I wasn’t sure if I should.  But I told her because I trust her.

The really sad thing is, after I told her, she told me that she was raped in college,  and she shared her story.

What is even worse. … she is not the first girl the I told who then disclosed that she was also raped.

In fact,  several of the men I have told personally know someone  (friend or family member ) who has been raped.

This is truly disturbing! The number of people who I have told,  and I mean had actual conversations with,  not just via posting my story,  or through promoting the walk I am doing,  is a fairly small number.

I don’t even have words to describe my disgust at the amount of people who get raped.

I Am Losing It

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I am losing it. I just can’t take it anymore.  I can’t handle it; the sleep deprivation,  flashbacks,  jumpiness, depression,  being fearful every day that I am going to see him. It takes such a toll on me.  I’m literally exhausted!

I’m obsessed.  Obsessed with trying to find a way to bring him to justice.  It has completely consumed me.

I am becoming more jumpy each day. I can’t even count how many times someone came up to me at work today and I jumped clean into the air. It’s embarrassing, frustrating and fills me with anxiety.  And when they ask why, I just in an awkward way tell them that there is a reason,  and thankfully that ends the conversation.

I can’t live like this.  I don’t feel strong, or like a survivor,  or like myself.

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