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A Survivor Not a Victim

Overcoming Rape

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Story #3 ~ Harley

#3 Harley ¬† ūüíĖ

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This fall will be four years since it happened. I met this guy in one of my classes, and we had been dating a little. He seemed like a nice guy, and I thought I really liked him. He went downtown to the bar one night, and I went with some friends and met him there. He was ready to leave and pretty drunk. I had not drank any so I was fine. He asked if I wanted to go to his place to watch movie.

We got to his apartment, and he asked if I wanted a drink. I told him no, and he threw a glass at the wall and screamed. He kept drinking, but I would not have anything. I told him I thought it would be best if I called a taxi to leave and we could talk the next day. He got very angry and slapped me and pushed me onto the couch. I kicked him and screamed, but nothing helped. He started taking my clothes off, and I couldn’t do anything. It was like I was in another world. I couldn’t scream anymore or couldn’t make myself move. I felt so weak and helpless. He slapped me a couple times while hurting me. After what seemed like a lifetime he got up and slapped me again and laughed at me calling me names. I would have rather been dead than be in that situation. I couldn’t move or do anything. I sat on the floor the rest of the night.

He got up the next morning and grabbed me and said he was taking me home. I cried the whole ride which seemed like hours while he was laughing and calling me names. I got home and showered and decided I wasn’t telling anyone. I was so ashamed and so embarrassed and weak feeling I never wanted anyone to know. It’s been almost four years, and I just told three people in the last few months. I hope one day to be completely passed it, but at the moment I am not and still have nightmares and think about it daily.

How I Feel After Being Raped; The ABC’s

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Awful

Broken

Choked 

Damaged

Emotional 

Fearful 

Guilty 

Hurt

Insignificant 

Jittery 

Kaput

Lost

Mutilated 

Nervous 

Overwhelmed 

Paralyzed 

Queasy

Restless 

Suicidal

Tired 

Undefinable

Violated 

Weak

X Рis his name ie THE RAPIST 

Yucky

Zero

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Sex After Rape

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I am anxiously awaiting the return of my man. He hasbeen away since very shortly after my rape, and due to return next month in June sometime.

I’m so afraid of what sex is going to be like and how it is going to effect us. So scared! ¬†He has assured me his support, ¬†but still I worry because I care for him so much!

I read this amazing article that gives me hope;

http://www.fortrefuge.com/12-things-no-one-told-me-about-sex-after-rape.php

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I am really hoping that everything works out!

Rape : Fight Back And Report

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I came across this page on the net;http://drlwilson.com/articles/RAPE.htm

Of all the things that I read on it, the words below stuck in my mind…

“FIGHT BACK

If possible, always report rapes. Otherwise, rapists usually strike again and again.  They can be some of the most violent and vile criminals in existence.  Do not be intimidated.

If you can, go public with your rape.¬†Rapists dislike publicity.¬† Rape thrives on secrecy.¬† Going public with your rape is needed at this time in order to increase the ridiculously short jail sentences for rape.”

This is not an easy thing to do,  I have been there personally.

But thefact remains is that this is a true statement. ¬†I told my boyfriend what happened, ¬†immediately. ¬†I have never, ¬†nor would I ever cheat on someone, ¬†and while the circumstances of our relationship were in flux (but not defined, ¬†as we were upset with each other over miss communicated texts ) be that as is may, I am seriously questioning if I am in love with this man, I’m not the person, ¬†nor have I ever been to jump into bed with someone else for any reason other than true feelings.

I was raped. ¬†When I told my rapist that I told my boyfriend what happened, ¬†he got this look on his face like he had seen a ghost. ¬†Then he had the audacity to say to me ” I wish you consulted me before you told him”.SERIOUSLY? !?! Like what? ¬†Like we had a love affair? ¬†I ¬†woke up with his dick inside me! I ¬†couldn’t believe his comment! ¬†I ¬†guess I also couldn’t believe that he raped me.

The point is, YES! Rapists thrive on secrecy,  my rapist prooved that.

Please if anyone out there has been raped,  or god forbid ever falls victim to rape,  please please please consider reporting.

We needto change the way society sees victims,  and we need to change laws.

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Story #2 ~ Amelia

#2 Amelia ‚̧

My father used to come home from work and take a shower. I was 11 years old, watching Hannah Montana on his bed when he came out of the shower and tickled me. He was naked the whole time.

My father was kind of creepy after that, like touching my butt and stuff, so I stayed my distance from him. But, one night, I begged him to buy me some boots that all the other girls in school were getting. I told him I would do anything. He took me into his bedroom and gave me oral sex. I was just 11 years old.

Oral sex happened about 10 times over the next 2 years. He justified it by saying it was how to show me how much he loved me.

My father never had intercourse with me, saying that was something only a husband and a wive did. What a hypocrite! He is no longer in my life.

I’m sorry I can’t say anything positive, but I’m over it and I think that is positive.

Amelia

 

Story #1 ~ Katie

#1 Katie ‚ô°

Almost 7 years have gone by. I blocked out what he had done for 4 years until a memory, a flashback, a realization came in like a flood. And no matter how hard I wanted to, there was no going back. I had to face it. He raped me. He took my virginity and all my innocence. Right in my own bed. There are some things I will never remember. Like the day or days it happened. What exactly was said. But there are many things I do remember. It was right around my 21st birthday. I remember him convincing my sick and over emotional mind that my neighbor was a predator and that he could protect me. I never imagined that the predator would be my friend’s husband. That it was he I needed protecting from. He did everything he could to get my neighbor out of my life. He would spend the night in my bedroom on an air mattress the first few times. And then he sweet talked his way into my bed. And he sweet talked his way inside me. I don’t remember exactly what he said. It could have been something like “I’m going to show you how a real man does it” or “Sex will get rid of your headache.” He never said so, but he implied that he was protecting me from my neighbor so I needed to thank him. He never said it in those words but that’s what he did.
It was soon after that. That I did my last, but serious suicide attempt.
I hated myself, who I had become. That I had slept with my friend’s husband (though now I know it was really rape) and what a deadbeat loser I was. Other factors played into it. And I knew it was time to exit the world, that no one would miss me. I downed probably close to a bottle of Tylenol PM, crying the whole time. I must have gotten scared and had second thoughts. Maybe God reached out to me. Because I called myself an ambulance.
I went to the ER. They pumped my stomach. Stuck a tube right down my throat and just to be safe, made me drink the gosh-awful charcoal to absorb all the poison in my system
After all that, my neighbor came to the ER. He saw the EMT’s take me away and he never felt so sick in all his life. Despite the temporary restraining order my abuser convinced me to get on him, despite everything. He came to see me. To tell me that nothing was worth me dying over.
He stayed with me until I was taken to the psych ward. And he came and visited me every day until I returned home.
We realized we loved each other and didn’t want to live a day without one another. We knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.
He used to hold my hand and make me feel safe until I fell asleep. But he never made me do anything I didn’t want to.
I decided that summer, the summer I turned 21 (a few months after my rape or rapes that it was time to get my life together and be someone worth loving. I finally quit cutting, blocked everything out that had to do with him or pain, or my old life. Only moving forward. It was shortly after that, that I received my temporary job trial at the library which ended up becoming permanent. I put everything into becoming a new person. In hindsight, it was probably triggered or set off by the trauma I went through. I had to do anything and everything I could do to forget. Yes, I’d see him, he even showed up at the apartment once or twice. But, I pretended like we were friends and it was normal. I do remember pretending, pretending, pretending. Anything to keep that out of my mind, and my new happy life.
It caught up with me a few years later. I could no longer deny what happened, and that something had to have happened to cause me this much pain and trauma.
In therapy I remember talking about him and what he did and going “it’s almost like he raped me.” And after that it was like “oh my gosh. He did”
So, for the past three years I have been going through what I should have right after it happened.
It happened almost 7 years ago, but feels like it was not long ago.
Now, I’m on the long journey of healing. To finding myself and to forgiving myself. There is no going back, only forward! I have taken great strides and have come so far in my recovery. I still border between survivor and thriver, but I’m working hard to stick with one… Thriving!
I have talked opening about what happened to me with my therapist and close friends and blogging. And while I’ll still be blogging, my goals are to focus less on what he did, what happened to me and how I can actively take back my life, and be the best Katie I can be! I’m also going to focus more on my self care, and be more fair to myself.
My name is Katie, something bad happened to me but it no longer defines me. I’m not a victim or survivor, I’m just Katie.

Rebuilding Your Life After Rape

I found this great article

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Becoming Whole Again: Rediscovering Life After Rape

Published Apr 9, 2014

Rape is one of the worst violations a person can suffer, and the scars can be everlasting ‚ÄĒ but you can reclaim your life.

More than 17 million women and 2.78 million men in the United States have been victims of rape, according to the National Institute of Justice and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The pain and trauma of rape are indescribable because rape robs you of your sense of safety, your sense of being in control, and your authority over your own body. Coming back from this place of deep hurt and rage will be very difficult. It is possible to heal after rape and to survive sexual assault with your heart and spirit intact, but the journey of healing will take time, strength, and determination.

Many people compare rape to a sort of death. Your whole life becomes split in two: Life before rape and life after rape. The person you were before the rape might feel distant, unreal, and unreachable. A new person has emerged and may not be someone you even recognize because this new individual is anxious, mistrusting, angry, lost, and in constant pain.

Millions of rape survivors must work through similar distress. A survivor has to sort out her identity and make sense of the trauma. Reaching a place of strength and hope after rape will take time and effort. The healing won’t happen overnight. There are certain feelings that many rape survivors share: You will likely feel shut off from much of your past life.

You might lose interest in things you once enjoyed, and you might discover that you have a whole new set of goals and priorities. You might reevaluate your friendships or relationships with people around you, and you might even decide that you want to move or make another life change. All of these are normal, healthy measures of healing, but it’s important to make sure that you don’t make decisions in haste. It is also crucial to surround yourself with a strong support system and healing activities.

  • Friends and family can help you stay connected to your true self and keep you from losing sight of the person you used to be, and therapy can help you work through your new fears and anxieties as you rebuild your life.
  • Volunteering can also be a wonderful way for you to rediscover a sense of purpose and control. By doing good in the world around you, you can help to combat those feelings of sadness and loss. You might volunteer at a local crisis center or a women‚Äôs shelter, or you might volunteer in a field unrelated to your attack, such as an animal shelter or a soup kitchen. By bringing joy and hope to other people, you can help to bring joy and hope back to yourself, and these feel-good emotions will keep depression and anxiety at bay.
  • Exercise is another crucial part of the healing process. Even if you aren‚Äôt one for sweating it out at the gym, there is no denying the power of exercise. It is healing to the mind, body, and spirit, and it can help you reconnect with your body and your inner strength in a way that is physical and real to the touch. By pushing your body and finding willpower and strength you didn‚Äôt even know you had, you can start to reconstruct your identity and regain control over your destiny. But you don‚Äôt have to run on the treadmill or do a boring workout video. Instead, find an exercise that you enjoy on a physical and emotional level, whether that is swimming, softball, dancing, walking, etc. Don‚Äôt focus on weight loss; instead, put your focus on strength and personal growth. With each mile you run or each pound you lift, remember that you are in control. And that can feel amazing and empowering.
  • Lastly, make sure to give voice to your personal story. Don‚Äôt hide your rape or force down your emotions. Every step you take on your healing journey is an important one and that includes crying. Talking about your rape will help you work through these emotions and give meaning to your story. It is also an opportunity to help others who are suffering through similar circumstances.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/dr-laura-berman-on-love-and-sex/becoming-whole-again-rediscovering-life-after-rape/

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Silver Linings

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While I am not feeling particularly positive or hopeful today, ¬†I ¬†really wanted to write a post that is less dark. ¬†This blog is dedicated to the gruesome facts, feelings, and results of rape and sexual assault, ¬†but that doesn’t mean everything has to be so gloomy. (This post is dedicated to all silver linings, ¬†not just from rape and sexual assault )

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I have sat and pondered for a good portion of the day about silver linings to ¬†being raped to little avail. Then since I am an avid researcher, I researched the topic. ¬†The result. … even less examples than what I could come up with on my own.¬†But I am damn stubborn, ¬†so I wasn’t going to let me stop that from making this post. ¬†Although there are not many examples, ¬†I hope that this will help someone, ¬†anyone, ¬†if it helps just one person, ¬†I will be satisfied.

 

#1. REALIZING THAT YOU DO HAVE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU

Now, for me, I actually knew this already, ¬†but so many don’t. ¬†Whether they suffer from depression to begin with, ¬†or something else, ¬†if you are suicidal, ¬†you feel like you are alone. ¬†I have been suicidal ¬†(not from the rape. ..ok, maybe yes , but there was a ¬†time that I literally planned out how I would kill myself, ¬†researched it to make sure that it would not be a failed attempt ). I didn’t go through with it because of my dog’s, ¬†but I never told anyone then how I was feeling. ¬†I ¬†didn’t think that they wouldimages (9)¬†understand, ¬†I was afraid of their reactions.So, I know that every person is not going to necessarily be supportive, ¬†and to be honest, ¬†some people don’t know what to say, ¬†and need their own time to process what you told them. ¬†But that doesn’t mean they don’t support you. ¬†The more I tell people ¬†(and it’s not easy, ¬†I have had to do it very slowly ), the larger my support system grows. And that doesn’t even mean you “have” to talk to them about whatever happened to you after the first talk you have with them. For me, I still haven’t yet because it is too hard. ¬†But knowing that they are there, ¬†that they are really actually there and care just means so much to me.

 

#2 YOU WILL BE STRONGER FROM THIS EXPEimages (5)RIENCE

Now, personally, ¬†I don’t feel this way currently, ¬†but I have hope that someday it will be true. What I went through, what you went through, ¬†what someone else went through, ¬†every situation is different. ¬†This even goes for all situations , not just rape and sexual assault. ¬†Eventually we will be stronger, ¬†wiser and more capable handling anything life throws at us. If we can get through this, ¬†we CAN get through anything.

 

#3 HELPING OTHERS

I have always considered myself to be a caring and helpful person. ¬†For me personally, ¬†this ordeal has invoked something more in me. The aftermath of such a horrific ordeal has caused me to want to be an advocate. ¬†This is what I intend to do when I am physically and mentally capable.I know bad thidownloadngs happen, or people get into extremely dark places. People either deal with it and recover or don’t recover. ¬†People don’t deal with it and don’t recover or do recover. ¬†Becoming an advocate was never something that I thought I would ever do, but when a person goes through something, something that brings a passion that they have never felt, ¬†I urge you to listen to it. ¬†Just one person really can make all the different to someone going through what you went/are going through.

 

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